Stress cup so full... have to move house and no idea where to...

[scout86]

A lot of that sounds like a familiar pattern. Good luck! I hope the new place comes through with no complications and it turns out to be a good move!

 

[Ecdysis]

Ughhh... life being the strange shitshow that it is sometimes, has dumped another massive additional stressor/ task on top of my already overwhelming current to-do list.
I kind of had a meltdown on the w/e and have called in sick at work for the first half of the week.
I'm not sure how to cope.
I may have to quit this job and go back on disability while all these other issues are getting sorted out.
I'm pretty much at my breaking point.

 

[Ecdysis]

I contacted the disability place today to ask them how I need to quit my job/ what paperwork they need (Dr's assessment) so that I don't get payments reduced for "just quitting" my job.

Now I need to work out: a) what date do I want to quit my job and b) what to tell my boss.

I'll be at work normally next week (unless things get even worse, sigh) so I'm going to try and use that as a guage - to work out how much longer I can cope before I need to hand in my notice.

I'm unsure how to prioritise money vs health right now. It's a balancing act. Because if finances are bad, that impacts health too.

 

[Ecdysis]

It's been 3 weeks since my last post on this topic and it's been another 3 weeks of roller-coaster intensity. So many appointments, so many people to talk to, so many things to consider... It's been frying my brain several times per week...

I'm at a strange crossroads right now (and I don't even know for sure whether this crossroads is what I think it is or not... things keep shifting around like everything's quicksand)...

Probably by the end of this week, I'll find out if I can rent the place nearby that I've been hoping for. There have been quite a few twists and turns on that front too and it's taken much longer than initially expected. I dunno what on earth to feel about it... I've been anxious to the point of feeling vomity about it for so many weeks and that's alternated with feeling so numb from overwhelm that I can't feel anything at all... So yeah, sort of getting my hopes up, sort of trying not to, just to avoid having even more emotions swirling around at top speed.

As for the farm... that's been like a bizarre witche's cauldron of bubbling newt's eyes and other gory crap... Just so many possible scenarios being presented, so many unexpected turns of events, every second day a new hiccup or hurdle or opportunity presents itself and I've no idea what's what anymore.

My current tentative "plan" (and yah, the universe is laughing its f*cking ass off at that word...) is to sell half the farm and keep the other half.

It's taken weeks of mind-bending discussions with countless people to come up with this... "plan" and I'm not yet 100% sure that it'll work.

I'm meeting with a real-estate agent on Thursday who's been very helpful throughout this entire process and we're going to discuss the options of splitting the farm up both in terms of the land and the buildings and who I need to talk to at the local building and planning department to get it sorted out.

I've got 3 buyers who are interested in buying the farm, before it's even gone on the market. All 3 would prefer to buy the farm outright (ie. all of it) and I'm not sure if they're interested in buying half. Two of them I think may be up for it and I've already told one of them about this idea and asked them to give it some thought.

Apart from that, I've figured out some helpful ways to market (half) the farm, once everything's sorted out, so I'm pretty confident that I'll be able to find a buyer for half the farm if all the legal details work out.

So... if I am able to sell half the farm and can stay on the other half of the farm... then I won't need the other rental place... which I also really like... but the timing is kinda... weird... cos I dunno whether to sign the rental lease, if I get offered it, just in case selling half the farm doesn't turn out as I hope it will...

Currently, my best bet is if the guy who's currently renting the rental place I'm interested in, if he takes his sweet time moving to the house he's bought... Cos if it takes him, say, another 2 months, then by that time I probably will have worked out whether I can sell half the farm or not, and hence will have a pretty good idea of whether I need the rental place as a backup plan or not...

So yeah... that's where things stand currently.

Oh, the other thing that's going on is that I tried applying to my local bank for an interim loan to tide me over until half (or all) of the farm is sold and they refused it, for really frustrating reasons. I offered them the whole farm as collateral for the loan but they were totally fussy and annoying and I ended up walking out in the middle of the conversation with the bank employee and basically told her to f*ck off, while still having enough presence of mind to word it less coarsely, but she knew exactly what I meant.

So now another task on my endless to-do list is to phone around and talk to other banks, which is a task I need like a hole in the head.

I've got enough money I can put on my credit card to tide me over (just) but it's a way, way tighter budget than I'd wish and the interest on a credit card is annoyingly expensive compared to a proper loan.

But yeah, all in all, that's where things stand. I've noooo idea where things'll be at 3 weeks from now, none at all. Life's like standing on quicksand, while trying to juggle 10 hot potatos atm...

 

[Ecdysis]

Oh, and I forgot to add - I'm still working at my job... I cut my hours down from 15 hours per week to 10 hours so that's kind of the sweet-spot compromise between handing in my notice (to have more time, focus on my health, get much needed rest) and keep working to have money, a sense of achievement, something to get out of the house for, a regular schedule, etc. I'm pretty happy with that compromise and quietly pleased/ proud of myself for having managed to make that work and to stay regulated enough to be functional at work.

 

[scout86]

Life's like standing on quicksand, while trying to juggle

Except that it sounds like you WILL have a roof over your head, it's just a question of which roof.

Of course regulations vary depending on where you live. Everywhere I've ever lived (US) they don't stop people from selling part of a farm but they might have something to say about what can be done with the part you've sold. The last place I lived, for example, they only allowed 2 houses on 40 acres. If there were already 2 houses on that 40, you could sell 10 acres but the buyer couldn't build a house. It's up to the buyer to figure out if they'll be able to use the land the way they want to or not.

I hope things go smoothly from here!

 

[Ecdysis]

So this topic is still going on... Still need to move... Still worried about ending up homeless.

I've been putting in a lot of work the last couple of weeks (out of desparation) but it's making me more desparate...

I'm getting more dysregulated, more in crisis, feeling like everything has to be fixed "now" and since it can't, that everything is doomed - I'm doomed, those I care about are doomed, the whole world is doomed.

Depression symptoms are going through the roof and I'm becoming increasingly suicidal.

I need to work out how to slow things down, how to cancel some appointments and how to reregulate.

The problem that's currently most difficult for my brain: I've got two offers for a shared-housing place, both of them are better than I expected, but both are not what I need/ am looking for.

I feel like I HAVE to accept them anyway (well, one of them, and I don't know which one) because it's "the best offers I've got" and if I reject both of them, then I'll have "nothing" and then the universe/ fate will punish me by not sending anymore good/ better offers my way to make me regret rejecting the two offers that don't actually meet my needs.

Growing up with trauma, "accepting options that didn't fulfill my needs" was basicall my go-to method of survival. Waiting for an option that actually met my needs would have equalled death. So it's a really ingrained pattern.

When I was in my 30s, I developed a kind of counter-thought to that... That finding what you need is like finding the right pair of shoes when you go shopping. And if you reject the first 10 or 20 pairs you try on, then it doesn't mean you'll not have other shoes to try on... and that rejecting the ones that are "wrong" acutally increases the likelihood of finding a pair that fits really well. And that the pair that fits you may be a pair that doesn't fit others well, and that's fine because all you need is to find the one pair that fits you.

I don't know if I can get my mind to try and focus on that a bit? It feels like the difference is when I go into town, there's say 10 shoe shops with hundreds of shoes in each, so the choices are almost infinite. The housing market on the other hand feels awful and it feels impossible to find the right thing... Feels like I have to compromise way beyond what feels "okay". Feels like I have to take the least-shit-option so that I don't end up homeless.

I currently need to work out whether to say "no" to the first shared-housing place I got offered. I should really do that today, if I can. The whole thing feels so doomed. I felt so lucky to have found this "almost good" place but it's only almost good. My depression is making it impossible to think clearly/ logically, with a reasonable amount of optimism and my dysregulation is making everything feel impossible.

I feel like I should just send a polite message cancelling this offer and then deal with the fallout later. I can't fully make sense of things right now or work out how to get things to be okay but I know that this first offer isn't going to be workable for me.

This reminds me of when I first started working freelance... It was such a nerve-wracking time and I felt like I'd never be able to be successful in this job. I remember getting first contracts and some of them were not paid well enough. As a newbie, you're tempted to accept those contracts, because any money is better than no money. But there are basically "minimum" prices for the industry, below which, no one can make a living wage. And if you encourage customers who are asking for such dumping prices, then you're not only screwing yourself but also others in the industry. So you have to learn to say "no" to those offered contracts that are just asking for indecent pricing. But the first times you say no, it feels really scary too, because it feels like you might jinx yourself and then you'll get no more offers at all.

So this feels kind of similar...

One aspect that is really bugging me is this - the first shared housing place I got offered... One of the main reasons that it's not a good option is that I've been looking for rental options on farms, where I can bring my pets. This place (which is really nice in basically all other respects) is a farm house on directly on a very busy, very fast highway where their animals keep getting run over. So, basically I could bring my pets but chances are they'd be run over and killed within the first two months. This just doesn't make any sense to my brain. Why would I bring my pets if I know they're going to get killed in the near future. I went to the farm yesterday to have another look at it because I was really concerned about it and when I got there, they told me another of their cats had been runover that very day.

I didn't say anything but I drove home really upset because I could feel that I would have to tell them I'm not going to move in, which is such a shame because everything else about the farm/ the housing/ the people that live there is pretty much really good.

By the time I got home I was so dysregulated that I've been a total mess since yesterday and feeling like I'm too sick to find a rental place at all and I'm too symptomatic to be able to live in shared housing anyway and blahblahblah... It's turned it into a huge mess in my head and now it feels like it's a giant clusterf*ck and like my brain is using the busy road that keeps getting their animals killed as an "excuse" to reject an otherwise good offer.

Ugh... it all feels so shitty and miserable and doomed and back to front... It feels crap to be writing a message to them sayin that I'm cancelling *while* I'm dysregulated. I feel like I should re-regulate, so I can make this decision calmly and feel sure that I'm making the probably-right-choice.

 

[scout86]

it all feels so shitty and miserable and doomed and back to front

That's a horrible feeling!

This reminds me of when I first started working freelance...

So this feels kind of similar...

I'd say you're exactly right, it's pretty much the same situation. Fortunately, you've had practice handling situations like that!

Why would I bring my pets if I know they're going to get killed in the near future.

You wouldn't. (Would you?) The question seems to be, "How realistic is that fear?" I'm not a cat person. (There's a cat that lives here, but she's more of an employee, although I like her.) I HAVE, though, lived on busy roads with dogs where the dog survived the experience. Mostly because the dog never went outside alone. Things can go wrong and pets can get killed, but it doesn't HAVE to happen. Unless maybe there are going to be irresponsible people going in & out of your house who might let an animal escape? Or your animals are really bent on escaping? No way for me to know, but take a look at the facts because feelings have a way of obscuring reality sometimes.

Feels like I have to take the least-shit-option so that I don't end up homeless.

IF that happens to be the case right now, remember, you don't have to stay there forever. Maybe you stay there until you find something better? All those old feelings wrapped around this situation make it more complicated. I wish that wasn't true for you. It's good that you realize that a lot of what you're dealing with is childhood feelings being stirred up and make it hard to see the facts of the current situation. Does writing about it help? For me, sometimes it helps to make a list of pros and cons. Writing things out that way seems to engage the more rational part of my brain. What happened with the farm? (Did I miss that?)

 

[Ecdysis]

I've just written to them asking to cancel the rental contract... Legally they can still require me to pay 3 months rent anyway. Hopefully they'll be willing to compromise about that.

I'm not too worried about my dog, because, yeah, I wouldn't let him out alone. One of the other renter's dogs got killed because another renter accidentally left a door open. But I could've been hypervigilant about my dog and that would've been okay.

But seeing my cats are outdoor cats there's simply no chance at all of preventing them running onto the road.

Being there yesterday and seeing the run-over cat on the street really made me realise that it's just not an option. It's such a busy road and people there drive over the speed limit. It's obvious that it would end badly.

Sigh... I just hope they're not shitty about it and don't make me pay the maximum amount of rent they could legally ask for, without me ever living there for a single day.

If they do, I'll have to accept it tho as part of the price I'm paying for living in such insecure circumstances at the moment and not knowing what decisions are right/ wrong/ best/ worst at the moment.

It's really hard knowing what to do right now...

I took some Quetiapine earlier (my prn med) which helped.

I'll try and answer about the farm later... I've been too dysregulated today... Mustn't add to that by thinking/ writing about topics that are going to upset me more... Will try and find a calm moment to write about it.

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm a bit lost too, but I like @scout 's observation. (And she knows all about animals. )

I'm not sure for you, but decisions for me (choosing) always feel like they have an element of finality to them (ie black-or-white thinking). And yes, many are mutually exclusive, but not necessarily forever. And also homelessness is more a catastrophic thought (hopefully). At he very least it is an extreme.

That being said, some things are avoidance. But some small reasons or decisions end up being providential. How do you feel after withdrawing the application (worry about the possible -not definite- 3 month bill aside)? Is it relief? Shame? Self-doubt? How do you feel in regards to saying no to this place on it's own, apart from concern about finding a different one?

 

[scout86]

How do you feel after withdrawing the application (

I think that's a good question to ask yourself. It's something I've learned to try to notice. If I feel relieved, then I know it was the right choice. Sometimes, I use this phenomenon to help make decisions. I'll tell myself I'll flip a coin, heads I do A, tails B. If I then find I want to do "best 2 out of 3" then I know what I really want.

 

[Ecdysis]

I thought I'd update this, because quite a bit of stuff has happened in the meantime.

I understand people being lost... the whole thing is a confusing mess... I'm not even sure I understand it properly and there's so many contingencies of how things could turn out... Sigh... Plus I'm so bad at verbalising things these days, so I'm surprised if any of it makes any sense at all, tbh.

Anyway, I've re-signed the lease on the shared-housing place described above... It's a small farm, the family lives downstairs with their 4 kids and they rent out the upstairs floor to 4 people who each have their own big room but share the kitchen, bath, etc.

I'm super lucky to have found this place. I'm allowed to bring my dog, (my cats) and my chickens. I've decided to seek an alternative option for the cats tho, as the only real drawback of this farm is that it's located directly on a busy rural road and animals keep getting run over there.

Currently, the cats can stay on the old farm until the summer and after that I've got an option for them to live in a horse stable near the new farm, where I can go and feed them and check on them every day. It's not a perfect solution, but it's pretty good and I think if I hold out trying to look for a "more perfect" solution, I'm just going to end up finding nothing, tbh, and even this 90% good option disappearing because someone else signs the lease.

The family was really understanding about me backing out of the lease because of the cats... They were like "take your time but we'd really love to have you as a tenant, we think you'd fit in really well here". So for a few weeks we were kind of at a standoff of "The road is gonna kill my cats and I have zero idea of how to fix this." And then eventually I asked the family if they maybe knew a farm nearby where I could rent some space for the cats and look after them there and they asked around and did actually find a place. So I ended up re-signing the lease with them.

I'm still not 100% sure what's happening with the old farm yet. I guess there's about a 75% chance that it'll be sold, but there's also about a 25% chance we could find an investor for it and open up a social housing project there. If that were to end up happening, then I'd have the chance to move back there as a tenant (which would be my preferred option). And the cats could stay there too - also their preferred option.

So the next 2 months are going to be me moving all my furniture and belongings that will fit into the shared housing... And leaving a small core amount of stuff at the old farm, because there's still a lot of work to be done there, before it can be sold/ an investor can be sought. So that's February and March, moving my stuff and packing up other stuff that will go into storage. During this time I also need to find a new paddock to lease for the sheep, near the new farm. I'll still be living mostly at the old farm during this time and then in April/ May presumably the transition of shifting to the new farm will start happening.

Sigh. It's all so complicated... And I'm so symptomatic and so non-functioning that I don't have the ability to really deal with any of it... Which also makes it all more complicated than it should be. It's a mess and I'm going to have to muddle through it as best I can and just keep ticking off boxes of getting one important item after another sorted out.

It all feels really surreal... And my brain still hopes that we might find a fitting investor to create a social housing project...