Stressing About New T

[rowean]

So I posted about standing up to a T and being in control of my own therapy and feeling good about that. And I do still good about that. But on Thursday I see a new T and I have been stressing about it for the past week or so.

The other T triggered me to a greater degree then I realized and now I will be going to this intake interview with the new T carrying that with me.

I am frustrated because the reason for going back into therapy was not to deal specifically with the PTSD. I know that my history has an impact on any work that I need to do, but I did so much work before and really felt like I had reached a good place in terms of my sense of self, my sense of what happened, all that. I know that the emotional roller coaster that I am on right now is not abnormal, that my brian is doing what it does, and that I have coping mechanisms that I can use.

I am so worried that I will end up in a repeat of what I had with the other guy. How do I say to this new T that yes I have been diagnosed with PTSD, I have been in counseling for it off and on for over 10 yeas, I have worked through the worst of it, I recognize it will impact our work, but I want to work on now stuff without coming across like I am resisting therapy or trying to hide something?

I think the worry that I will be accused of resisting therapy is the biggest one, perhaps because that was a big problem when I was orginally in therapy for the PTSD. I just think the last guy rushed me into talking about stuff and then didn't listen to me because he had his own agenda.

I really don't want to go into this first session defensive, that won't be fair to the new T - he may be great. He may not. But I really want to stop panicing about this!

 

[rowean]

so how do I get through this week without imploding? Appointment is on Thursday - I have to remain functional. Seriously this sucks. I almost canceled class today because of the migraine this brought on, I am purposely not taking the pain killers because I think I am just looking for an excuse to take something to get me out of my headspace. I have things to do and focus on and if I don't get on them I will end up so far behind in work.

I am so ticked that I am here now. Seriously, I thought I had handled the bad Therapy session well, even spoke to a friend about it (who is a trauma therapist with the Vet Hospital) and she validated what I was reacting to. But now, I am in full shake down mode.

I am stronger than this so why the hell is this happening?

I am so worried that this new T will not be a good call.

 

[bethinhfx]

Its very stressful. Period, and it hurts. Period. It brings up all of the painful feelings from other people who haven't been there or who have hurt you. I have had 2 therapies go south and although you learn from them they are also painful.........because in therapy you are vulnerable. Maybe your inner child needs to know that no matter what happens that you are going to be there for them and that you, as the adult, can set your own pace and get your needs met. Maybe the child part of you needs to know all of that to feel safe. Just a thought! Beth

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Remember you can always fire your new T. That might help with stress level, because then you have a sense of control. Your interviewing your new T and seeing if it works for you.

 

[Loveneverfails]

I agree with Beth and Ayesha. This needs to be about you. Sometimes it takes interviewing a couple of T's to find one that fits. This is what you need. If the T doesn't fit that, then there's absolutely nothing wrong with keeping on looking. Be direct, tell them how you feel. Explain that what is important for you is to deal with the new stuff, as it is impacting your daily life far more than the rest. Any T worth their salt should be able to see sense in that observation and should be willing to go at the pace that is comfortable for you. If they don't, they're not doing the therapy for you, they're doing it for them.

 

[rowean]

Thanks guys, you are all making good points. I am worried that I am going to sabotage the therapy before it even starts because I am so anxious about it. I am on a full scale defensive mode right now, bouncing back and forth between panic and anger attacks. I haven't felt this out of control in ages.

I know that I have to make the choice about whether the therapist is the right one for me or not, and I will, but I want to give them a chance. Also, I am havign that whole fear of not being believed, which ties right into the PTSD - thank you screw up T who got me in this head space.

OK, so - breathe my way through the next couple of days. I have to think about what I need from therapy this time around, what I need to know from the therapist, but mostly how to talk about it without sounding defensive or like I am going to resist therapy.

I can do this. I have to sleep tonight, have to find a calm place, have to get through tomorrow with some focus. I can do that.

 

[Loveneverfails]

I find that sometimes writing down the most important things I need to say helps me to feel more confident about saying them. We believe you, no matter what happens. We hear you and we will believe you. :)

 

[rowean]

So, if I say "I know that my PTSD plays a role in how I deal with stress and conflict, and I know we have to be able to address it if it comes up, but I want to focus on the stuff that is happening now." that starts me off putting conditions on therapy, plus, to be honest, right now, I am falling into being pretty highly symptomatic, which is really kind of confusing, because I really truly thought I had worked through the trauma so how come I am back into this state? I almost feel like the stupid trauma reaction is getting in the way of me being able to deal with the now stuff.

Ok, I have to stop negating everything.

I only have to share what I want to share about my history, details wise, in this first interview. I have to remember that. I don't have to open up about everything in this first meeting, I can take the time to decide if I like this guy. I have to stop making him into a monster in my head before I have ever met with him. Ok, last guy was a creepster, but my first Therapist was great, and seriously, without his support and guidance, I would not have my son, and maybe not even be alive given the direction I was headed when I started seeing him.

 

[rowean]

Gave it up today and canceled classes. In addition to stressing about tomorrow's impending appointment additional life crap hit the wall, a program I had invested time, energy and heart into got pulled out from under me, a colleague is pulling his usual line of BS and the result is a 5 alarm migraine that the painkillers are not touching. I have to make it to a particularly tense committee meeting this afternoon (for which I will be suitably doped) but boy am I going to be in great shape for an initial intake interview with a new T tomorrow - a week's plus of little or no sleep, now a migraine or at the very least a migraine hangover, had a lovely panic attack yesterday. At least the need for counseling will be readily appearant.

Trying really hard to use appropriate stress releases. The need to stay present and focused is a real challenge.

Okay, have to get away from the computer screen, the headache is starting to pulsate and that is a bad sign. I think I can take another pain killer though.

 

[bethinhfx]

The good news is that you have a lot of insight into PTSD and trauma reactions and all of that. I wish I had that much insight. I am off to treatment (hopefully) for a couple of months I am so traumatized by everything that has been going on--- honestly, I can't get over it. This site has been very helpful. You don't have to give away the store; take your time and see if it feels right...you will know! Beth

 

[rowean]

bethinhfx, good luck with your treatment - remember the light at the end of the tunnel isn't necessarily a train barreling down the tracks - although it feel like it. ;)

I am trying to put a positive attitude on this appointment tomorrow. If I can get past the headache tonight, it keeps me from clear thinking.

 

[bethinhfx]

:)