Struggles Saying Goodbye To My Counsellor

[Hashi]

I've been seeing a wonderful counsellor at a charity. They've given me two extensions beyond the normal time limit, but my time's definitely up in mid-December and they have strict rules that I can't see her privately after that.

We're having our last few sessions and are supposed to be reflecting on what the time together has meant to us - it's been quite a journey for both of us. I'm struggling to do this though, and finding it hard to thank her like I want to (and like she deserves).

One reason is that although I can cope with finishing, it's too soon and I'd much rather be able to continue with her a bit longer. I've recently disclosed a major thing, in fact the major thing, and while I'm glad I was able to before I stopped seeing her, I wish I could spend more time processing the feelings that are still coming up from having talked about it. I can't, though, we have an agreement that we're only doing finishing stuff now. That's fair enough, but I can't engage very well with reflecting back on the therapy when I really want to talk about what came up for me during the week.

I've been actively looking for another theapist to see next but still haven't found anyone suitable, which doesn't help.

I'm also seriously exhausted. Therapy and life have both been intense and I'm dragging myself through the days only just managing. Work takes all my mental energy and it's hard to think straight.

It's also difficult to express gratitude when I feel the centre's rules about not seeing her privately are unreasonable (it's a blanket rule with no flexibility).

So I'm trying to be thankful at the same time as feeling wiped out, resentful and bereft and needing to address healing issues that are coming up, . I am very grateful to her but my head just isn't in the right place for expressing that when I see her. Then I feel bad because she's done so much for me, and I really have been blessed to have had therapy with her.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for by posting. Just sympathy I think, if anyone can spare any.

Hashi

 

[Harry6]

Dear Hashi,

I can understand your gratitude and frustration being all mixed together, and having trouble thinking straight.

Rules, rules, rules. Administrators love to hide behind them. But, like real blankets, there is a lot they don't cover. The two extensions already granted show they have flexibility in what I what you could refer to as their "guidelines." That is, if they are convinced it is justified by your need and lack of alternatives, there is flexibility in guidelines. After all, they made those guidelines in the first place. And charities are, after all, there to help - although an administrator might not think of it that way...

Getting stuff out at the end of an appointment, any kind of appointment, is sometimes called the doorknob effect. It happens a lot. Your therapist should be familiar with it. In any case, prior extensions or not, the therapist may be your best potential ally in trying to get more time.

The therapist may be in a good position to advocate for you. Properly put, your therapist, and you, can make some convincing arguments. For example, where I am, health care providers take on a certain level of legal responsibility once they have started care. They are not allowed to just discontinue care if doing so would have a high risk of causing harm. I do not know whether this would legally apply to a therapist. But ethically, I think it would be compelling if you do not have good alternatives.

By the way, did you call yourself "Hashi" because of Hashimoto's disease?

H

 

[Hashi]

Thank you for your response. I understand what you're saying about pushing for longer, but I agreed to a final date and I think I've been lucky to have as long as I have done. It absolutely isn't going to happen, anyway. I'm still trying about seeing her privately, but I have to accept that I won't be able to for at least a year or probably more. There isn't a risk of harm.

It's really that I want to find a way to deal with this graciously.

The doorknob effect makes a lot of sense. Yes, it is that "quick, before I have to go" thing! Gaah!

Hashi

PS My username is Japanese so you're on the right track, but it's just a nickname I had when I lived in Japan. It should really be spelt Hasshi but someone told me that made their eyes go funny!

 

[Harry6]

I'm sorry you are having these difficulties in getting help Hasshi.

Your description of the "doorknob effect" is much better then mine!

H

 

[The Albatross]

Focus on the blessing of your extensions. Express your gratitude if you wish and let it go. Times in between counseling or therapy have been necessary practice times for me... times to gain some confidence before "the next teacher appears"... the old adage, "When the student is ready, the teacher appears" has been very real for me.

It is okay to acknowledge the resentful feelings, and to want to protect where we feel we are getting progress. Is there a way to continue private pay? If not, how about a referral to a collegue?

 

[KP the nut]

Hashi, it is really hard to come to terms with therapy ending. My therapy ended in August and I still miss my T. I am at the stage where I am managing PTSD but I am so grateful for the forum, I don't want to think how I would feel if I were on my own. On my own is odd as well as I am in a loving relationship with my H of 31 years, but sometimes he doesn't get 'it'.

Like others, I told my T things which I had never told anyone else. We got on well and were able to joke and discuss outside topics. I love what that man did for me, he helped me regain my life. He taught me techniques to manage symptoms. And, for me importantly, he taught me how to love and be kind to myself.

When I left I wrote him a card and I bought him a friendship ball for his office. He used to bring me back to the present by asking me to spot three new things in his office, so I thought it apt.

He asked that I keep him appraised as to how I am doing and I've spoken to him once. I am going to let him see my diary, where I have described the affect therapy and EMDR had on me and how I felt.

I'm guessing that you still need therapy, so it is different for you. I also had many more sessions than officially allowed. T had to make the case that something had surfaced and that it would have been morally wrong for him to end therapy at that stage.

I don't know if I've helped or just rambled.

Wishing you peace
KP

 

[squidge]

Hi Hashi,

Sorry to hear that you still have not been able to sort out a new therapist. Do you think that some time off from T would be a good time to evaluate how you really are managing with what therapy you have had, like Albatross stated?

I hope the last few sessions with your T are good ones and I hope you are able to tell her exactly how you feel about all this. It might just help to get those feelings out in the open with her. Remember, I think you need to express your anger towards the centre and their silly rules and not be resentful towards your T. From what I have heard about your T, she is an amazing T and has done quite a bit to help you. I am sure you will be able to over look those bitter feelings about all this and express proper gratitude towards her when the time comes. :)

Thinking about you.

 

[Hashi]

Thank you all for your kind words and for thinking of me.

The last couple of sessions with my T haven't been what I'd hoped, but we've been able to talk honestly about that and my anger at the rules. i suppose in a way I've been able to demonstrate how much she means to me by how badly I've been taking it :mad: but gaceful and gracious it wasn't.

I can't imagine not going to see her every week, and also I can't imagine someone else taking "MY" appointment time. I feel really jealous!

The good news is that I've finally found someone else to see. She seems fine, although it's weird to think about going to see someone else. She does the kind of therapy I've been looking for and that's different so at least that should reduce the direct comparisons. I was so stuck finding someone that I decided to go through and investigate every single item on every single page of my Google search result, not just the first few pages, and I found her through a link that came up on page 18. That was a LOOOONG evening.

I have to say I don't feel like having a break at all, but it'll be about seven weeks before I can see her so I'm having a short break imposed on me and maybe that's a good thing.

My next session with my current therapist will be the last. Gulp! I'm making her a card, so I can write what I want to say in case I never do manage to voice it properly.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts. You've made me feel less alone with this.

 

[KP the nut]

(((Hashi))), you are definitely not alone.

I can't imagine not going to see her every week, and also I can't imagine someone else taking "MY" appointment time. I feel really jealous!

I still do and I finished my T in August - how screwed up is that.

Please keep us posted on how you do.

Wishing you peace
KP

 

[squidge]

Hi Hashi,

I am happy to hear that you have found someone new to see. I hope she will be able to be the help that you are looking for. I also hope the 7 weeks will go quickly for you.

I will be thinking of you as you are having to say good bye to your T. Please keep us up updated on how your final appointment went and how you are getting on.

Take care.

 

[Hashi]

Thank you for thinking of me.

It was a wrench. It was horrible to leave for the last time, and to think I can never talk to her again.

She said lots of nice things to me, while I blubbed into one tissue after another. It was my all-time record for tissue use, and that's saying something. Even though I couldn't say much, she knows how much she's meant to me, and I'm glad about that.

We've been on such a journey together, during the 20 months I've seen her. It's hard to imagine her not being there any more.

My heart hurts.

:cry:

 

[Hashi]

Times in between counseling or therapy have been necessary practice times for me... times to gain some confidence before "the next teacher appears"... the old adage, "When the student is ready, the teacher appears" has been very real for me.

Thank you for posting this, Albatross. I'm trying to see it this way. I also want to use the time to focus on things like journalling and art, which I've been doing less of recently and want to get back to.

The night before my last session, I dreamt I was living in a new place with new people I found it hard to communicate with, and not sure if it was safe to put my things down so I was carrying them round with me. Sigh... the next steps are going to be tough.