Struggling with Emotional Turmoil and Despair

[SerenaSolsikke]

it hurts and it never ends, my parents won’t listen to me when i want a therapist, no one does

my feelings and thoughts are getting worse, i feel more insensitive and apathetic and violent, i think i’m turning into a horrible person, everything in my mind is going out of control, i dont have any money to help myself, the government is awful

i dont think i ever felt joy that made me feel welcomed ever since i was born, i never felt love but pain and sadness, oh my past, oh serena (me from before) im so sorry for everything that happened to you :(

i wish i could be hugged by someone im safe with, but that wish for many years never came true, and i doubt it ever will before one of my family members in this place takes my life away

 

[emily1890]

I am glad that you found the forum. please do keep reaching out and talking if it helps

 

[Friday]

If you’re worried someone in your family is going to kill you, it would seem smarter to stop looking TO your family to validate, support, & accomplish things FOR you… and to start looking to yourself, and outside of your family, for solutions

By posting here, you’ve at least started that process.

How about IRL? What’s stopping you from finding a therapist on your own, rather than depending on your parents to do it for you?

 

[Aprilshowers]

Several decades ago I could have written your exact post. My family was controlling, abusive, and off-the-charts dysfunctional. My narcissistic, tyrannical father ruled us through his fat bank account, intimidation, and brutality.

First, stop telling yourself you are a horrible person. Your circumstances are bad, that leads you into negative thinking about your life and yourself, and you fall into a rabbit hole where your "bad world" starts being "I am a bad person who caused this." You are simply a victim of the family and situation you were born into. That does not make you a horrible person.

Eventually I escaped completely, but there was that period of time as a child and until I finished college, married, and moved away that I was immersed in that terrible life. During those years, I created a better life for myself outside of that house and away from those toxic people through positive, stable friendships and activities - extracurriculars at school, doing "stuff" with friends, etc. My friends' families welcomed me into their homes. Do you have much of a social life?

My horrible family left me with deep scars, PTSD, repression, emotional disorders, and a boatload of mental issues, but I not only survived, eventually I thrived. I did it without therapy, but I had incredible friends supporting me. If you don't have that support, see if you can get free or cheap counseling through school or community resources. It is well worth pushing through these younger years when life seems bleak and you feel desperate. If I could go back and tell my younger self one thing it would be, "Hang on! It gets better!" I lived for many years as a suicidal mess. Today, in spite of my emotional battles, I can sincerely say I am genuinely happy to be alive. You can do this!