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Struggling with Intense Emotions: Love and Self-Hate


New Here
Almost my entire life I've never really been given love, at least not properly. Now I have no idea how to feel it right. Whenever I get crushes it's either faint or extremely intense to the point of disregarding my own emotions.

My dad was very abusive and unloving and when we left him my mother was often absent. Then when I was 11 a girl my age sexually assaulted me. So love and affection has never come easily to me.

Recently, I've found myself with a crush on a friend of mine. It's one of those intense ones. Whenever he's nearby I feel the sensation creeping into my chest and squeezing my lungs. And I can't stop verbally berating myself all the time. It's more intense than I've probably ever felt it.

It always feels like there's some nawing emptiness inside me that can't be filled. Anytime I touch him I feel like a drop of the emptiness is filled and then it's gone again. It just leaves that gaping hole in my chest screaming and throwing a tantrum as I just sit and stare blankly.

I don't even know how to have a proper relationship! I don't think I want something super smothering. I want to be friends with him but I can't when this feeling wants just a little bit more.

I don't know what to do or how to cope with my emotions. I don't know how to express them right. I don't know if I should ever tell him. I don't have any idea of what I'm doing and it makes me want to rip my flesh off my bones and stomp in my own organs. I hate it. I hate feeling like this. I wish I could kill it.
hello worms. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.
I don't have any idea of what I'm doing and it makes me want to rip my flesh off my bones and stomp in my own organs.
i don't know whether to laugh or cry at this statement. i want to laugh for its vivid imagery. i want to cry because it fits how i have felt too many times through my long life. i've been married 43 years and still feel that way on a distressingly routine basis. my heavily theraputed response to this god-awful feeling is to ply therapy tools while i wait it out. any time i take action while under the influence of this feeling results in still more confusions and contusions. the good news is that it has gotten easier with practice. it's still not easy, but it's easIER.

one of my front line therapy tools for this yuckery is to lean heavily on my therapy support network while i sort and process wtf is going on **this** time. this very forum is one of the nodes on my therapy support network. i hope it serves you as well as it has served me.

welcome aboard.