Almost my entire life I've never really been given love, at least not properly. Now I have no idea how to feel it right. Whenever I get crushes it's either faint or extremely intense to the point of disregarding my own emotions.
My dad was very abusive and unloving and when we left him my mother was often absent. Then when I was 11 a girl my age sexually assaulted me. So love and affection has never come easily to me.
Recently, I've found myself with a crush on a friend of mine. It's one of those intense ones. Whenever he's nearby I feel the sensation creeping into my chest and squeezing my lungs. And I can't stop verbally berating myself all the time. It's more intense than I've probably ever felt it.
It always feels like there's some nawing emptiness inside me that can't be filled. Anytime I touch him I feel like a drop of the emptiness is filled and then it's gone again. It just leaves that gaping hole in my chest screaming and throwing a tantrum as I just sit and stare blankly.
I don't even know how to have a proper relationship! I don't think I want something super smothering. I want to be friends with him but I can't when this feeling wants just a little bit more.
I don't know what to do or how to cope with my emotions. I don't know how to express them right. I don't know if I should ever tell him. I don't have any idea of what I'm doing and it makes me want to rip my flesh off my bones and stomp in my own organs. I hate it. I hate feeling like this. I wish I could kill it.
My dad was very abusive and unloving and when we left him my mother was often absent. Then when I was 11 a girl my age sexually assaulted me. So love and affection has never come easily to me.
Recently, I've found myself with a crush on a friend of mine. It's one of those intense ones. Whenever he's nearby I feel the sensation creeping into my chest and squeezing my lungs. And I can't stop verbally berating myself all the time. It's more intense than I've probably ever felt it.
It always feels like there's some nawing emptiness inside me that can't be filled. Anytime I touch him I feel like a drop of the emptiness is filled and then it's gone again. It just leaves that gaping hole in my chest screaming and throwing a tantrum as I just sit and stare blankly.
I don't even know how to have a proper relationship! I don't think I want something super smothering. I want to be friends with him but I can't when this feeling wants just a little bit more.
I don't know what to do or how to cope with my emotions. I don't know how to express them right. I don't know if I should ever tell him. I don't have any idea of what I'm doing and it makes me want to rip my flesh off my bones and stomp in my own organs. I hate it. I hate feeling like this. I wish I could kill it.