Struggling with porn

[somerandomguy]

I've been working with my therapist lately about my more or less compulsive use of porn, and it's come to my attention that it seems like many of us use pornography compulsively or in otherwise unhealthy ways.

I'm coming from the standpoint that some pornography use is OK, if it's not used compulsively, and the pornography itself is made ethically.

Others will have wildly different opinions, but I'm specifically NOT interested in hearing how porn is disgusting, immoral, and should be banned. I'm also well aware that many of us were forced to make pornography without our consent, since this describes me as well. If you have a problem with any and all porn, please just move along to the next thread.

I know this is hard to discuss, but I have found that the compulsivity has had somewhat less power over me since I started to talk about it. Maybe others can also benefit if they want to try talking about it, too.

Porn is really very tied up in my own abuse so it's complicated. My abuser encouraged me to watch porn so I wouldn't bother her with my sexual desires. Now I find it much easier to watch porn than to ask my current partner for what I want.

I used to really get off on watching the most extreme abusive femdom porn I could find, which is definitely related to my abuse, but lately it's been bothering me more and more to watch that kind of thing.

Anyone else struggling?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Anyone else struggling?

Yep. Being a victim of human trafficking and forced to make some twisted child porn, I struggle hard with the really twisted versions of porn. Incest and the like. It disturbs me what I find arrousing. I've also worked on it with my therapist and have stopped mostly but will run back to it many times. My therapist says its my comfort zone. Also adding cult rituals and punishments of cutting myself down there, it can get really twisted and messed up and its all completely and totally normal for me.

So, yep. I struggle as well!

 

[Esterio]

I have been struggling with the type of porn that gets me aroused Is violent. It is just like the flash backs I get. I get arouse imagining I am the victim of a violent sexual attack. I have not worked on this at all. I try to avoid it if possible.
so yes I do struggle with what gets me aroused. I can't believe the was it makes me feel.

 

[ILoveLife]

I've had this problem but it went away.
I also fantasized about being victim of abuse. I dealt with it outside of therapy.
First I simply avoided porn. Then considered the ethical part of porn. Asked myself what my values are in terms of what I'm willing to do to have pleasure. Set boundaries with myself.
Nowadays only watch ethical/soft porn.
I'm now triggered by things that used to be pleasurable, and take pleasure from things I thought were too vanilla.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

My therapist says this is actually pretty common for men and women alike that were vicitims of sexual abuse/assualt. Its what we know so it's natural for us to get arroused by it. Thats what he says anyway. He doesn't see it a problem unless it includes rituals and punishments but the act of masturbating to porn (no matter what kind really) he doesn't see as a problem really. Not unless it gets to addiction level and starts to interfer with daily life. And that goes for anything really. But just enjoying any sort of porn, why is that an issue? For men or women. You know?

 

[ILoveLife]

But just enjoying any sort of porn, why is that an issue? For men or women. You know?

Really depends. In my case I really don't want to get aroused by any type of thing, particularly what I was aroused to. If others are okay with it, fine. Whatever rocks your boat and all that. If the person struggles with it however then maybe they should see to either be completely okay with it or remove that issue from their lives. Either way, yeah it's fine. Up to the person.

 

[CopperDeer]

Yes - as far as the content itself. I tend to watch extremely violent porn, which is far more disturbing than what I endured but it gets caught up in the what did I deserve/it could have been worse thing.

I too am at a point where a lot of the content I consume bothers me. Not that it didn't before, just that I can't stomach the thought/visual anymore. I don't view this as a negative change though. It feels like my sexuality is leveling out/resetting after a long period of disturbance.

 

[Esterio]

But just enjoying any sort of porn, why is that an issue? For men or women. You know?

Nothing there is enjoyable to me. It triggers anxiety, anger and then dissociation then depression. I don't watch it at all at this point in time it comes mostly as flashbacks and intrusive thoughts. I am aroused and scared to death by them.

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

There was a span of time in my life (20s and some of my 30s) where I was absolutely out of control with it to the point of self-inflicted physical pain. I have a history of CSA, teen rape, adult DV in which sexual activity/abuse played a huge part, and to be honest, sex was the only way I managed to live/survive for quite some time in my younger days. It consumed every spare waking moment and took me down some highly dangerous roads as I put myself in harms way more often than not. I was unable to achieve orgasm without it or other various accessories. I was still using alcohol quite heavily during those days and was on several different meds/drugs, both legal and street, too, so I'm sure all those chemical reactions played a huge part.

Porn was also pretty much the basis of my sexual education, other than the forced lessons I received from others. It was all I knew and understood of intimacy. What used to drive me crazy, in both the best and worst of ways, often all at the same time, now serves as a harsh and often scary reminder of just how easily my energies/life can be drained out of me with my full consent. I no longer consent to those particular energy vampires. The feeling in my gut when I think of it now has shifted to the opposite of being turned on.

I eventually discovered just how precious and powerful the sexual energies are, be it while alone or with my husband, and learned how to better read and make use of those energies within myself, minus having to seek out and rely the endless clicks of the porn options. However, the soft porn stuff can certainly enhance things on occasion. It's been a long strange trip, for sure. Yet another awkward and eye-opening discovery that I never knew I needed to know. lol

 

[Deleted member 8714]

So glad you started this topic @somerandomguy ! It was brave of you as well.

My porn viewing is mostly stories at this point. Though at times I watch porn. It is all a specific topic. I've also written porn stories, one was 175,000 words long. I'm trying to stay away from writing porn stories by getting on with the novel I've wanted to publish. It's got nothing to do with porn. ;) And for once that's a first for me.

Writing about my problem with porn makes me feel anxious. I have only just begun to share anything about this with my T. I just talked about some of this with my husband last night and this morning for the first time.

I've only shared the viewing part with a therapist ages ago. It got so intense, my viewing porn, that I purchased DVDs so I could watch them over and over again. Part of that obsession was wanting to find a "Master" who would do the same things to me that were being done to the "sex slaves" in the movies. It took a lot of fortitude to not pursue that potentially abusive relationship. My T, at the time, was super supportive of my precarious situation. He explained to me, numerous times, that what I wanted to seek out more than likely was about my abuse. At that point in therapy, I had no memories of my father's abuse. We worked out that watching and reading porn was okay then, but don't act on it.

My father was/is a serial killer, pedophile, and sadistic. He was Catholic and yet practiced satanism. I haven't figured this out yet. It's just become known. He treated me like I was a boy. His victims were boys around age 10. He forced me to watch him rape and torture and kill his victims, and I had to accompany him while he got rid of the dismembered body parts. After he murdered a boy, my father sodomized me in the shower.

The sole focus of the porn stories I read are about forced sometimes sadistic sex, essentially rape, of younger men and boys by older men. Then the boys are forced to become the older man's sexual slave. There's always a power play scenario going on in the stories I read. At first I didn't understand why I was attracted to these types of stories, though after 2010 and onward I figured out why. That's when my mother died and the memories about my father and his heinous criminal acts flooded back to me.

I use these stories to masturbate. My former therapist, who I stayed with for 14 years, helped me understand why. As I learned a long time ago, knowing why is the booby prize. It doesn't change the behavior at this point. I know it is a reenactment of my abuse and the abuse I saw perpetrated on my father's victims.

Interestingly, the 175,000 word novel I wrote was not about the exact subject as these stories rather about two men in a Master/slave relationship. This fits with my own abuse as my father treated me like a sexual slave. My father was bisexual so I saw all kinds of sex happening around me. He never did it behind closed doors.

Oh boy oh boy...this is so complex and complicated.

 

[somerandomguy]

It is complex. I write porn stories as well, and they're all related to my abuse. I kind of am OK with them, since they're not real life so they're not problematic like actual porn photos or videos, but I wish that I could channel my writing ability into something I could actually share with others.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I wrote porn as well for years and years and years. It is what I used to severely punish myself for being a monster. It's an intresting dynanmic as its what i knew and what I was supposed ti he doing and carrying out rituals centered around it was right and "holy" and "rightous" but I also punished myself for being a monster. Like, I knew from living in this world taught me I that wasn't right. I don't know. Very complex for sure. What I used for arrousual and severe punishment of my gentials. Very complex for sure!