Relationship Sufferers And Trust

[Deleted member 1860]

Yes, I would like to suggest an online therapist as well. I know of one person who uses an online therapist, or at least she used to. I haven't seen her online as of late, but online therapy seems to have worked well for her. Maybe she'll pop in here and tell you her experience with an online therapist?

 

[JayMPDX]

I say go for simple chemistry. I live with PTSD... and it is nearly impossible to describe to someone who doesn't. My avatar picture is the best I can explain what it's like getting attacked all day long by my own mind. I wake from nightmares every night...and this is what I wake up into each morning. There's this long established blood pressure medicine recently discovered to work wonders for PTSD victims. Does for me. It's called Prazosin, or Minipress. Basically blocks the adrenalin rush from the trigger...so instead of a vicious cycle of trigger - adrenalin rush - trigger - more adrenalin rush.... the prazosin for me stops the dynamic. Though I still have to work and talk myself down - with the medication - I find I actually can. Prazosin should be easy to come by. Have a doc prescribe it as a high blood pressure medicine if you have to. Read up on it. He will not beat this without meds....period - no matter how committed he is. "Man up" won't cut it. So far, the studies are it just can't be done once the brain is "set" on high alert. Heaven knows I tried to beat it for 20 years and couldn't. As I got older my strength waned to fight this every day, and I became suicidal. No-one wants to live a life feeling what's in that picture to the left here all day long. So I finally got myself into therapy. We humans just don't have power over the programming of our brains where horrors have done such damage, and trying to tough it out is just...well stupid...now that there a really are options available. Prazosin was a life changer/saver for me.... I take 3 to 5 mg - 2 or 3 at night and then one or two during the day. I hear dosages vary widely....

Additionally, I used to be afraid of my bedroom and my bed...would sleep in other rooms of my house...because of the serious nightmares I had every night. The meds reduce the nightmares to sort of annoyances. I used to wake up still in the waking dream and trauma..and it would take two or three hours to dissipate... So I associated the bed and room with fear and dread.... I bring it up because now with the meds I can actually sleep....and while the bedroom used to be a trigger itself .... it isn't any longer. I slept for a month after I got my meds ...it's all I wanted to do...I'd forgotten what it was even like to want to rest. I would wager if your man got on meds - he may not perceive you as a trigger at all. Hard to tell since PTSD is so different for everyone...but it's worth a try heck - give drugs a chance! ...lol.

 

[Viosinger]

I have PTSD, and at times I can be triggered by actions from my partner. But unless he's doing something intentionally cruel (which he's not), it's not my place to blame him. If I can walk up behind him and put my arms around him, seems fair he could do the same, but if I don't see him walk up, it freaks me out.

Even (perhaps especially) when one has PTSD and is in a relationship, one has to be more thoughtful about one's own reactions. I'm aware at this point of the amazing value of having someone who cares so much that they'll stay for my ugly moments, which can come from nowhere & be no one's fault.

Be honest about your feelings with him. He needs to know when his actions or reactions are hurting you. You deserve love, support, and a healthy environment as well.

 

[WillyKat]

This thread got me thinking later today. I don't want you to divulge anything you don't feel comfortable with, but I wonder if his perfectionism is connected with someone in his unit getting wounded or killed. That is, do you think it's possible that someone close to him made a mistake, and he feels responsible somehow?

I have a book called the PTSD Sourcebook by a guy named Schiraldi. There's a section in there about dealing with survivor guilt. There was a case in Vietnam where a truck driver from a distance watched a man cross a street and walk up to a US soldier. He didn't see anything suspicious until it was too late. The driver blamed himself for not doing anything. His therapist began asking him about how much was his fault, as a percent. He replied 95%. The therapist then spoke of what responsibility the shooter had, then how much responsibility fell to the government that sent him there, etc. You get the picture. By the end, the driver didn't feel the heavy weight of the responsibility anymore.

Just thinking out loud, er...in print.

 

[Sephira]

Years ago, he had a member of his squad die in a Humvee crash when they were on assignment in Pakistan. He was in the car- he lived and his friend died. That was the start of the PTSD and could very well be tied to his need for perfectionism.

I think the other reason is because he works for a military company and has very specific short assignments when he goes overseas, usually just one to two weeks. He has an objective, he goes over, does what he must then flies home. From what he explained to me, each member of his team has a very specific job and they must trust each other to do it. If one of them fails, they can get hurt, or shot, or captured, or die or not accomplish what they need to- all bad things. When he asks me to do something, I believe he applies those same standards to me. Failure to him isn't an option, and when I fail (even if I genuinely try) no excuse matters. Like Yoda says " there is no try, only do" or something, lol.

 

[WillyKat]

Well that's in the general ballpark of what I was thinking. It's sort of a "why him, not me" thing?

One of the things about PTSD is that we who have it tend to see the present within the framework of the trauma. Every detail is exaggerated out of proportion to fit the framework and reacted to as if the trauma has to be relived. Healing can happen if we can "ground" ourselves in the present moment on its own terms w/o the trauma framework.

So easy to say, and so damn hard to do, and that's because these reactions we have are stuck in a very stubborn part of the brain that controls fear and emotion, not rational thinking. The damndest thing is that you can see something rationally and at the same time have these irrational reactions. You can even know they're irrational while they happen again. But we have to keep chipping away at it.

 

[Sephira]

Ugh...taking a moment to vent. My sufferer just got home yesterday from his trip (he was isolating and needed space). Was so glad to see him and he was so much better!

We were talking about the weekend (we always spend it together), when he told me he was spending time with friends on one of our days. After a week of missing him, i was hurt and disappointed and a bit angry that he had plans. Apparently he has had them since February (some big dinner he needs to attend), but I only heard about it today.

I missed him so much and wanted to spend time and when he heard my tone change, it triggered him and he got mad and hung up the phone. I am so angry with myself. I KNOW that kind of tone triggers him, I know giving him grief about the time we spend triggers him, but I couldn't seem to stop myself.It was like a runaway train and now I'm sitting here anxious -worrying about what tomorrow will bring when we speak next.

I'm upset with myself I got upset and even more upset that I showed him I was. He'll never trust me at this rate. *sigh*

 

[Sweetpea76]

I am so angry with myself. I KNOW that kind of tone triggers him, I know giving him grief about the time we spend triggers him, but I couldn't seem to stop myself.It was like a runaway train and now I'm sitting here anxious -worrying about what tomorrow will bring when we speak next.

when he heard my tone change, it triggered him and he got mad

I don't know if this will help your feelings of guilt or not, but it seems like you may be confusing stressors and triggers with your sufferer. It sounds like you are feeling guilty because he is not dealing with the stress involved in everyday life, or the stresses from a normal relationship. You are not being cruel to him, or being a trigger for his PTSD, you are just having normal emotional reactions and he is getting stressed by them.

These posts are wonderful, clear explanations of stressors, if you haven't seen then already. They helped me to better understand my sufferer.

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/stressor-vs-trigger-what-is-a-trigger.13912/

[DLMURL]https://www.myptsd.com/c/articles/understanding-ptsd.15/[/DLMURL]

It is easy to feel guilty and terrible if your sufferer is stressed out and you think you are the cause of it. You just have to realize that with PTSD, pretty much everything is going to stress them to some degree, including you.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you @JayMPDX , I've heard the same, is that a beta-blocker?. And yes, your avatar is exactly also how I feel, or how it feels to me every day. (And on top of it I fear water as well. :rolleyes: That's why I choose this one, the opposite). Also, makes sense, developing fear of the bedroom (secondarily).

I agree with @Sweetpea76 .

 

[Sephira]

Wow, thanks for linking those posts Sweetpea! I love Anthony's posts. I always seem to learn something! You are right, I'm not a trigger, I'm a stressor. He has trouble dealing with stress in his everyday life.

I just don't want to add to it if I can help it. And I know when I behave in a certain way, it is guaranteed to cause problems. I agree, my emotional responses are normal but he has a hard time dealing with them ATM. Hopefully, with time he'll improve!