Sufferer Suffering My Whole Life

[EverOnly358]

Hi,

I grew up with an abusive father. I remember my first beating at age 2-1/2. I was 12 years old before I began to realize that everyone else wasn't going through what I went through. It continued until I left home when I was 20. Now I'm 40, and it's still all with me. I often think, when will I have suffered enough?

I've had several different therapists over the last 15 years. They've all been a disaster. Either they just sent me home with medication and didn't answer my calls when I had severe side effects, or they made things worse, like the one who "helped" me with advice that gave me panic attacks every morning for years. So, now I'm doing some DIY therapy. I'm just trying to do everything I can do make my life better. Is it ideal? No, but at least it's something. I found some great advice on this site about listing traumas and then journaling about them (I'm not explaining it well, but it was something that Staff Member Anthony wrote, I think) and that actually helped more than anything else has. I continue to try stuff like yoga and breathing and meditation, but all that seems so little compared to the pain I'm going through. I try to talk to my family, but they all immediately change the subject and have never really let me talk about my past.

Well, that's me in a nutshell. Reaching out is really out of my comfort zone, but I so desperately want to feel better, so here goes...

D123

 

[franciemarnie]

Welcome!! You are not alone, that's for sure. If you haven't had therapists who specialize in trauma, maybe someday you'd consider one again. There are good ones out there but I sure understand being a little gun shy. Good to meet you.

 

[AimKat]

Hi D123-I really understood your post. Its crazy how "normal" abuse seems when you have grown up around it. I am new here as well and wow I can relate! i have suffered though alot as well and the bad doctors always make it worse! I did eventually find a female doctor who could relate. Its really hard when medical professionals just don't get it!

 

[rainy_daze]

Welcome to the forum D123.

 

[nomedic1]

Welcome hope we can help.

 

[KrispyKreme]

Welcome :)

Sorry you had such a horrible experience.
I hope you find a little bit of peace soon.

KK

 

[intothelight]

Hi D123,

Welcome to MyPTSD forum!:)

Writing out your traumas can be extremely therapeutic as you confront the emotions that are tied up with them. Yoga and meditation are great tools for managing any fallout from confronting the trauma. I hope you continue to find this site and the support of the members beneficial to your healing.

Take care.

Debbie

 

[EverOnly358]

Thanks for all the support. I do think therapy is an important tool, I just find it so crazy difficult since hospitals and doctors are some of my major triggers.

AimKat - I'm so sorry you had to grow up in an abusive environment! No one should have to go through that. Over and over I've tried to find a therapist that works for me, even a little bit, but it's been a disaster. I know it's just bad luck, and I'm sure I'll try again in the future, but I just need to take a break from the roller coaster of hoping this therapist would be better, and trying, and being triggered every week just going to appointments, and having super bad reactions to medications... it just got to the point where it was taking all my energy and only having a negative impact on my life... and life was bad enough, y'know? But for anyone reading, I'm not saying that therapy is bad, it IS really important.

 

[EverOnly358]

Oh, and I just wanted to say thank you for this website. It's great! It's already helped me... I had this one therapist that asked me what I used to do every morning when I got up before everything became so impossible because of my PTSD and [misdiagnosed] depression (I have BPD). And I explained how first thing every morning I did shower to shoes (y'know, shower, get dressed, brush my teeth, do my hair and make-up and get ready completely down to my shoes). So he told me no matter what, no matter how horrible I felt, I had to do that everyday, even if I just went back to bed afterwards. And I was really gung-ho to do anything to make things better... so I did it, even on those days when I was in physical pain and could barely move to just turn over in bed (do you know those days?). And it was horrible, but I kept trying, figuring it would get easier, and this was a professional telling me to do this... he knew what I was going through.

Anyways, after a couple weeks of doing this, I was exhausted and a mess, able to do nothing but shower to shoes and go back to bed everyday. I told him how it was ruining my life... that some days it's just impossible, and if I fight through it, then I just pay for it the next day and the next and how I felt it was a vicious cycle. He said to continue, so I did, and I really tried hard to just have a good attitude and work through it, hoping it would get better... and then I started having panic attacks and passing out in the shower and falling. I missed a couple therapy sessions because of this... and he yelled at me about how I can't miss sessions. It wasn't long after that that I quit seeing him.

The panic attacks continued for over 6 years. Nothing helped, I was having panic attacks every time I took a shower (BTW, baths didn't help ;D, same thing). Then I read on this site about listing your traumas in a journal and then tackling them one by one. Describing each trauma in detail, editing and re-editing that, and then writing out ideas to make things better, ways to deal with triggers, rational arguments against being freaked out when reminded of past trauma. So, for a week or two, I just let those ideas percolate through my brain... I was worried about my reactions - worse nightmares, more uncontrollable emotional outbursts, more days where I couldn't get out of bed. And I was overwhelmed by how long that list of traumas would be! So, after a week or two of thinking about it, I decided to just handle one little problem I had... taking showers without having a panic attack. I ended up writing about how I felt so incredibly guilty about being "sick" and not being able to do all the things I need to do (and used to do all the time) for my family, and how getting ready for the day just made me think of what I should do that day... and it was overwhelming... sunlight, any light, too bright, everything too noisy, everything too dirty, people are terrifying, going outside is so unpredictable, I'm so tired, when I freak out then I'm just going to get into a fight with my husband while he tells me nothing's wrong and I'm over-reacting, just calm down... and it was clear, the shower wasn't the problem... and just writing it all out made a huge difference. And I wrote out some things to do to make it better... remember to breathe (I often find myself locking my jaw and holding my breath when I'm upset), play music, line up everything so it can be the fastest shower ever, and some reward after I got dressed (going shopping when I could manage that, or watching a favorite movie afterwards when leaving my bedroom was impossible). And guess what... I've been okay in the shower for the last 3 weeks! It keeps surprising me that I'm not sitting in a chair, panting and sweating AFTER a shower, that I'm actually okay. That I can take a shower again (man, knock on wood... I hope mentioning it doesn't make me go back to having panic attacks!). In all these years of therapy, that's the best progress I've made. It's nothing compared to dealing with my actual traumas, but it gave me hope. Hope I got from this website. So I'm sorry that this is a long message, but I really wanted to say thanks for helping me!

 

[i am not garbage]

life better. Is it ideal? No, but at least it's something

That's right, at the end of the day we can only heal ourselves. It is not ideal, but what is ? Love yourself and you will get your power back. How to love yourself is easy. Appreciate that you are a wonder a miracle a blessing that made it through. You dear are still here.