Suicidal

[Tinyflame]

Dear @Radise . I hope you are getting rest & maybe you haven't been able to much?

The sheer absurdity of the help lines sometimes and such, well that's all the more reason to post here. :) And/ or go where people are, or where people know you. Or if need be keep your hands on the phone & call 911. The Samaritans have e-mail too.

I think what you said about your body, I get it, or I 'get' what version I get. It's like self-rejection. And the dropping-yes, I get that too. From 'ignoring' , well, everything (I think). Kind of like flooding when it hits.

I go for very very very log walks, it helps sometimes. But people/ safety probably help more.

If this is not helpful, please just disregard. But we need you here, I hope you will trust it can & will improve. And keep posting. I/ we are pulling for you, xox . :hug: :hug:

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Dear @Radise . I hope you are getting rest & maybe you haven't been able to much?

I did get some rest :) My aunt called me for about an hour and a half. She was very helpful, I feel a bit better. Still kind of broken but at least not on-the-edge broken.

I think what you said about your body, I get it, or I 'get' what version I get. It's like self-rejection. And the dropping-yes, I get that too. From 'ignoring' , well, everything (I think). Kind of like flooding when it hits.

I have a weird relationship with my body atm where I feel it isn´t the right gender (I´m trans), mixed with a lot of :wtf: from the past does create a nice mixture of self loathing and resentment. Definitely also have a tendency to ignore (and when I can´t ignore, get very angry) my body, usually though that is contrary to what I should do...

I asked some people if they could be my backup in emergency situations so now at least I know I can call people (although I didn´t dare asking yet if anyone was o.k with me calling in the middle of the night).

 

[Ronin]

Not sure if this will help or not, but: You, as a person, are the right gender, your body is yours, there's no way it would be 'wrong' gender as a state of being, more so how comfortable home & how comfortable in X social situations it is to the awesome guy Radise is. :)

Also: identity's always a fluid thing, & a mix of things. On any portion of identity one looks at, not just that the ones provoking eeeugh, can't I just deal by chopping it from my life, parts of self. That change & complexity? Is a good thing. Complicated, but beautiful.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I have a weird relationship with my body atm where I feel it isn´t the right gender (I´m trans), mixed with a lot of :wtf: from the past does create a nice mixture of self loathing and resentment.

Ive said this before but its a great time to say it again.

When i 'see' you, or anyone on here, i dont look at gender; because it doesnt matter...just like some told me "i dont care that you grew up in a satanic cult, it doesnt matter, i want to know you, who you are" so this applies here, just as im not that satanic cult, you arent defined by a gender.

Ive known a lot of trans friends and its even harder, it seems, than accepting being gay. And i know a lot of a person's idenity is their gender and i dont mean to minomize that, i mean to say you are YOU, male or female, black or white, gay or straight. And YOU are important, YOU matter, YOU are loved (im talking to myself here too).

I do love that the world has become more accepting of gay, trans etc, or ay least the US has...but i dont like labels, as i think labels make it sound like you are abnormal.

You know, in the womb, before gender is created, we are all one gender. And thats the way i see you!

I hope im making sense and helping some?

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear @Radise you should be comfortable in your own skin. And no one has the right to take that from you.

PS, lots of us re up all night for 'calls' too. :tup: :) :hug:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

PS, lots of us re up all night for 'calls' too

Agreed. @Radise, or anyone, I am also here anytime you need to talk :) :hug:

 

[Gadgie]

Quote.........."like labels, as i think labels make it sound like you are abnormal."

Yea! they do that with people who have PTSD, they label us,...."folk with mental problems"

and that seems to scare people away, as soon as you tell them, you can see that look on their face, followed by that awkward moment, when you can see them trying to think of something to say?

I suppose I'm lucky in a way, as I don't meet a lot people, well none really, but I can remember the days when I used to meet people, and I can remember their reactions?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Quote.........."like labels, as i think labels make it sound like you are abnormal."

Yea! they do that w...

If i tell someone of the 3 mental disorders diagnosied (depression is assumed but defentantly could be diagnosed with that to make 4) and 1 possible; im labeled "you're the crazy one" by my family. I hate labels because of those words said to me! And i think labels of all kinds to bring a feeling of being abnormal so i try to let people know that you arent that label, you are you.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

You, as a person, are the right gender, your body is yours, there's no way it would be 'wrong' gender as a state of being

This is an interesting perspective. It really depends how you look at it. I´ve thought about it a lot, and sometimes it makes total sense, but other times it does not. On the one hand it is true that "me" is defined by my personality (and that its probably what I should be focusing on), on the other hand my body does have this HUGE influence on me that is very difficult for me to accept.

You know, in the womb, before gender is created, we are all one gender. And thats the way i see you! I hope im making sense and helping some?

Thank you so much for your kind words :) I am comfortable with the gender with which I identify though. The mental clash I have is between my gender and my body. I have a tremendous aversion to the female-defining parts of my body (particularly down there), and it won´t be possible for me to embrace them as my own, because they are alien to the gender I feel I am.

But I hyperfocus on those parts instead of focusing on other things. It´s like when you hyperfocus on everthing you hate. I need to learn to stop focusing on that so much, try to let go of it a little bit and try to look at other parts of life.

Actually no one has given me any shit about the gender thing. People are very accepting :) Which is saying a lot about society becoming more tolerant and inclusive.

I also have seasonal depression and that is definitely affecting my ability to cope. I am on natural antidepressants (St Johnsworth in a high dose) but I will call the doc next week to see if I can afford to do light therapy.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I am comfortable with the gender with which I identify though. The mental clash I have is between my gender and my body. I have a tremendous aversion to the female-defining parts of my body (particularly down there), and it won´t be possible for me to embrace them as my own, because they are alien to the gender I feel I am.

Not an uncommon feeling amoung the "trans" people i know.

Not being "trans" myself, i obviously cant understand the feeling but the people i knew had to stop hating those parts and start accepting them as who you are, because YOU make up more than just some body parts.

I know its hard, especially if you cant afford or do full surgery.

Do you do hormones?

Not all "trans" people want to do hormones, but it all the people ive known and even all the documenties ive watched, that has helped that "hatred" feeling.

I put "trans" in quotes because i cant stand labels. I see you as you, whats inside, not whats outside.

Just my 2 cents.

And no, seasonal depression certianly doesnt help at all. Big :hug: to you!

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

I´m on a list for treatment :) I start talks at the start of April, will see a gender specialist for the amount of time they deem necessary, and then go on hormones.

In the meantime it´s really just surviving. I have no idea if the trauma and the gender issues are overlapping, is the weird thing. They probably are but it´s hard to tell how exactly. Working on gender will probably allow me to have more stability though but it takes a long time.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I´m on a list for treatment :) I start talks at the start of April, will see a gender specialist for the amount of time they deem necessary, and then go on hormones.

Thats awesome! I know not everyone wants to but of the people that have, its helped them so much with self esteem and just over help the conflict of the physical gender and the gender they are inside that they identify with.

This conflict is extremely common. Have you reached out to anyone that has gone further along in the process whom was able to resolve the conflict? Cuz knowing how they were able to resolve it may be able to help you in that area.

I know i sound like this all knowing person when it comes to being trans or even gay but its just something ive been intrested in researching, watching documentries on etc. and knew a few people that were trans.

Our America with Lisa Ling on OWN had a great episode about transgender and another one about gay christians. The show has gone off the air (which sucks cuz i loved it) but its just something that i loved researching; along with many other things.

I just remebered you're not in the US lol, sorry. It was a good show though :P