Support Structure Support From Me?

[RussH]

It is really interesting how you have come to the realization that you cannot tell others of your PTSD because you cannot need them to help you during your down times. And at the same time I have come to the realization that I need to tell others because I can no longer do it on my own.

I think both of us are finding the path we need to healing. And I think there is perhaps a middle road where we have a few close friends that know, and can support us, and the rest of our friends are just that: friends.

Blessings to you.

 

[Promicarus]

@[DLMURL="https://www.myptsd.com/c/members/valerie-glasco.23055/"]Valerie Glasco[/DLMURL]

I don't try to avoid "consequences" per se. I just try to avoid humiliating myself.

Wow...have you been reading my diary? That's nothing less than eerie...you're describing me and my tendencies to a tee. As well as "where I am" right now.

So don't feel alone, is the point. Reading you posts had made me feel much less alone--so know there's at least one other person out here just like you--and I'd bet many more.

Please be well, and know you're not alone, however much it feels like it.

I'm genuinely concerned, truly. It sounds as though you're in a desperate place-and blaming yourself for it, scorning yourself in hopes that it will be self-motivating.

In my experience, this is a task I took over from my parents...and it's not self-motivating, it's just the opposite. It brings back all of the feelings of helplessness and hopelessness of being fundamentally inadequate. It doesn't get me "Up and at em"..it undermines that and everything else, with a feeling there's not point at all.

I honestly think you need to give yourself a break. You mentioned that you had the tendency to "scold yourself", as well--sound's similar.

If you need to curl up for days in the fetal position, then that's what you need. It may well be bringing down your level of stress, which is very important.

To heap scorn on yourself for it, doesn't exactly help bring your stress level down.

I know one of the things I need to do in "parenting myself", is learning to "re-parent myself"...and taking over these previous traits of my own parents not only is a failure to do such re-parenting, but becomes a matter of "thinking I'm doing what I'm supposed to" by making myself feel bad, just as they did...as though there's some righteousness to that.

So it becomes a matter of having grown up in an upside-down world--where I was taught that, in order to feel good (please my parents), I had to feel "appropriately bad" (worthless, etc.)

I think we all learn what's good/bad from our parents attitudes, in hopes of pleasing them, in our youth. And if you're given the idea that it's good (gets their approval) when you feel bad (shameful, guilty, etc)...then I think we carry that into adulthood as innermost programming...learning that in order to feel good (righteous, what our parents communicated to us)...we have to feel bad (shameful, inadequate, etc.)

The irony is that this can continue not only when our parents aren't anywhere around, but even after they're long gone. We've put it on autopilot, in a sense.

I've come to see it as a kind of addiction. I think I'm doing something good for me, "right", when in fact, that couldn't be further from the truth. I'm just following in my parent's footsteps, taking over their roles for them, because somewhere deep down inside, unconsciously, that's not only familiar, but makes me think of myself as "being a good boy", somehow...just what my parents communicated to me, of course.

I don't know whether any of this applies to you, of course, but I wonder--if our stories/symptoms are so similar, it might.

Please give yourself a break and realize you have the right to not only not feel bad (without making yourself feel bad for it) but to actually feel good. Until I got insight into this cycle, I was doomed, I realize--I wouldn't so much as let myself up off the mat, so to speak. I actually felt guilty, wrong, for feeling good, often enough...as though I was/am being "disobedient", somehow, I realize now.

I, too, did well in the first portion of my life...but it was a matter of "walling off" all of that, and not looking at it.

Then trauma broke down those walls, dams really, and the floodgates opened to repressed feelings. I'd been feeling those feelings all along, just hiding them, from the world, and even my own conscious awareness that that was what was the theme of this feelings-drama, as it played out.

I'm glad there's a forum like this--where it's safe to express those feelings to others in similar positions/lives, who will understand rather than attack it as weakness.

Thanks again for your posts--it really has been uplifting to know I'm not the only one out here in that place, and helped to remind myself of all of this, as I too find myself falling into this same "habit of feeling" all too often, still.

 

[pamcoco]

Above all, realizing people don't get it, has been the most difficult aspect of my ptsd. You have certainly struck a nerve. Thank you for bringing it up!

I work diligently developing self protection in the area of disclosure as I had before the 3 crimes in 2009. Oddly, my verbal boundaries left as my physical/sexual boundaries went through the roof. Involuntary disclosures I barely recall. But the damage is done in my relationships and I am fairly sure most did/do not believe me. If nothing else, they certainly feel more comfortable blaming me, determining my behavior in the aftermath to be the problem, NOT the events that led to my behavior.

It is my perspective we come from a society that placates victims, tip-toeing around our uncomfortable realities and shaming us should we not champion and move on. We are taught religiously, philosophically and politically that what happens is our fault. Perhaps out of kindness trying to not directly blame, the urge is to not discuss any details and immediately push rising above. Their message always conveying the anecdote of 'picking yourself up and moving on'.

Telling my story has loaded the gun used to socially assassinate me, again and again, normalizing jamming a wedge in my connection to others. Coming from people that haven't been victimized, they project a hypothesis what it would be like. There hasn't been a case when another victim treated me similarly. How I would sigh relief if someone responded, 'That is awful, completely messed up and terrifying.'. Validation the events are deviant and violent, is the gist of what I long for.

Now having vented, in my endless contemplation of WHY?, I have decided to try to impart the smallest amount of doubt in assumptions about mental health, mental illness and the control people often award themselves and their character. Imparting knowledge makes my personal hell worth 10 fold.

My attempt is to explain that just as bio-chemicals, genetics, availability of medical treatment, etc, cause physical illnesses, it can also cause mental illness. The concept that the brain organ is somehow immune to the same factors for which every other organ is vulnerable, is simply silly. Someone is down and depressed, then thinks and does a series of 'positive' things and feelings of peace return. Couldn't assuming one controls the other be magical thinking and speculative? It is something unseen and unheard, like we don't see or hear our body cure a cold. I believe people that easily return to mental health are biochemically in a state that is at least enough so, triggering the pleasure and calm centers of the brain. Their healthy mental immune system returns to mental health.

Many of these people will never experience another bio-chemical state of the brain, like schizophrenia, therefore they believe it proves the thought they are in control. A luxury afforded them until it is not.

I always add that I was as gung-ho in these incorrect assumptions about the mentally ill, before I became them.

Mind you, not that anyone in my personal life has been transformed by this 'knowledge'. But it has transformed my response to the criticisms, daggers in my bleeding heart, so having a new method at least lightens my load.

 

[The Albatross]

I need to fix this or continue to hate life, hate myself, and blame the world.

Avoidant living/defensive living is something I did for years. I had an agoraphobic period and also an eating disorder though not at the same time. I broke the cycle by committing to some short term discomfort for the chance at breaking the pattern. It started really small, with some specific goals and timed exposures. I called it for a long time, "chronically uncomfortable". Anthony has a good post somewhere about desensitizing with exposures. I used challenges and goal setting. But have no problem leaving my home, driving out of town, or doing uncomfortable things now for a set amount of time. Systematically, I began to challenge myself to take actions that were in line with what my own personal goals were and began to take my life back from my own avoidant life style. Now I live a sort of self directed though disciplined life and am managing better the PTSD.

I usually built in a time to reassess. An example would be a couple Mothers Days ago. I was pressed to attend a luncheon at a restaurant with both our mothers and my brother in law. I made a strategy and decided I can be willing to risk and be uncomfortable for 45 minutes and at the end of the 45 minutes I can reassess whether I want to stay or go every 15 minutes. That particular lunch lasted about an hour and a half. It took a lot of small timed and specific challenges for me to get to the point where I was willing to put myself in public, with people I see as damaging and potentially hurtful (both my mother, my mother in law and brother in law)... but I was successful and once successful, I repeated it until it normalized.

Do I like being in group situations with these three? Eh, nope. But when called to participate, I can do so without freaking before, during or afterwards. I can be uncomfortable for self specified periods of exposure or personal risk because I have instilled the habit and have about 3 years worth of new experiences to draw on that contradict the old messaging or experiences. I have a sense of competency if not pleasure or enjoyment now. At times, I am even able to relax enough to enjoy things that formerly I would not have been able to do. Improvement was made because I didn't like my life as it was and because ultimately, the only person that was getting in my way was myself.

Goal setting is a way to kick the car out of park and it had the extra added benefit of building new experiences and a sense of competency to over write the default old ones. It was slow, focused, deliberate and Dead Link Removed (Specific, measurable, attainable, realistic and timely or tangible). Progress was made when I was willing to risk failure, and gather up the courage to try to initiate the more personally beneficial changes that would make my life... at first calmer, then more peaceful, then more broad, and now able to tolerate daily living with employment and stress/distress tolerance.

By all this... my vote is obviously endeavoring to fix it rather than to continue to perpetuate an unsatisfactory but safe status quo. What will it take for you to get your car out of park?

 

[Nativia]

It is really interesting how you have come to the realization that you cannot tell others of your PTSD because you cannot need them to help you during your down times. And at the same time I have come to the realization that I need to tell others because I can no longer do it on my own.

I think I'm just getting to the point where I'm tired of losing my family and friends because of my PTSD. They know it as a "mental illness." I view it as "the normal persons' response to severe, severe trauma."

The rejections I feel and the loneliness that follows the rejections pile onto the other three "events" making it even harder for me to deal with new people and social situations. I just want to quit giving people all of this reason to be able to tell me to go away. I would rather that they say we are not compatible or just walk away from their friendship with me than to site my illness and loudly proclaim that they are dropping me because I am "crazy."

The people in my life who know right now are very supportive, but I'm always afraid for when I will lose them. So tired of being afraid!!

 

[Nativia]

Oh! I changed my name to Nativia for obvious reason! (I goofed up yesterday when I created my account...oops!)

 

[Promicarus]

@[DLMURL="https://www.myptsd.com/c/members/nativia.23055/"]Nativia[/DLMURL]

I think I'm just getting to the point where I'm tired of losing my family and friends because of my PTSD. They know it as a "mental illness." I view it as "the normal persons' response to severe, severe trauma."

Ditto....Ditto Ditto Ditto.....Ditto!

I'm continually amazed not only at how the average person views PTSD as "craziness"--the fault of the individual rather than the events which caused it---and who are not only unwilling to listen to any information which might inform their opinion--but who don't want to hear about it, at all.

I think it's a matter of humans just being averse to adversity--it's uncomfortable to think about something so horrible. It's just easier to slap a pejorative label on it, and keep moving, so as to keep it at arms length.

Realizing this has helped, rather than resulted in resentment. It's actually helped assuage resentment--I have to see it from the average person's point of view: why would I want to be "brought down" by something that not only isn't my responsibility, but which I don't have an obligation to become involved with?" I have to realize I can't blame them, really, from an objective standpoint.

The way I've begun to look at it, the least I can do, as a self-respecting and respectful adult, is to not "get my problems all over everyone else", to "make my problems their problems". There's a time and a place to bring up such issues, and I've found it's with family and loved ones, pretty much exclusively. It's simply unrealistic to expect anyone else to prepared to deal with it, much less want to.

But that's just me. It has, however, spared me many rejecting experiences, since I've started standing firm on this principle/perspective. And I realize it's gone a long way to helping me rebuild self-respect and a sense of control, which has lessened my symptoms, at least somewhat.

Often enough--very often, in fact--others will catch me in an unguarded moment, and make remarks similar to "something really bad happened to you, what was it? Are you all right?"

I think the hardest comments/questions to deal with are those which are couched as innocent questions, but which are really asking you to justify yourself, to prove yourself to them that you are in fact "o.k." As though demanding "Measure up...right now...convince me or be attacked..is there something 'fundamentally wrong' with you?"

It seems to be a bad combination of factors: I'm 6'4", so it's understandable that others would need to assure themselves that I'm "all right"...after all, when you're 5'9" and not all right, that's one thing-when you're 6'4" you present a potentially real, imminent threat...I therefore walk around with my anxiety and hypervigilence therefore shining like a beacon over the heads of the crowd, drawing attention to just that--and I'm of an age wherein my generation has become openly confrontational, with the idea that this is "being real", while being courteous, and respectful of others boundaries has become to be seen now as "uptight", instead. Or that's my take on it, anyway.

I have a book on PTSD entitled "The Haunted Self"...and if you walk around looking "haunted", you're bound to catch some flak for it.
I do realize tha-- I recall a documentary on WWII, in which a veteran remarked that he could spot those who'd been long in battle by a disturbing, vacant, otherworldly look in their eyes. And then later, he realized that that look became more familiar than the look of the average person, after he'd been through the same.

I have a theory that isolation is actually a good thing, in such a position--it's hard to make a start to overcome creating such an impression, when you're constantly having it compounded by others reactions to you, after all--being "rehaunted".

So I reach out in safe places like this, and focus on rebuilding a sense of control in the small things, with the idea that they eventually build up to take the form of some sense of mastery, which I think is needed in order to foster a sense of adequacy, which in turn is necessary to create a foundation for positive reception by the world. Structure, good diet, mediation, exercise, positive reading, attempting to employ my conscious will at "regaining composure", by composing myself consciously in each moment--falling into the general category of "practicing mindfulness", really, I suppose. Trying to avoid being "picked at", so I can "scab over", finally.

I would rather that they say we are not compatible or just walk away from their friendship with me than to site my illness and loudly proclaim that they are dropping me because I am "crazy."

Me too! Most definitely! I've found that interacting mainly with those from more traditional, therefore respectful and courteous cultural backgrounds has been of benefit to me, personally--though it's not easy to make an entrance into such social streams, completely, not being a formal member. But it does help to avoid this kind of confrontational insulting rejection, I've found. Right now I'm focusing on developing a scab of a sense of adequacy through practicing the mindfulness of constructive self-care.

Thanks for the post, and best wishes

 

[Nativia]

It seems to be a bad combination of factors: I'm 6'4", so it's understandable that others would need to assure themselves that I'm "all right"...after all, when you're 5'9" and not all right, that's one thing-when you're 6'4" you present a potentially real, imminent threat...I therefore walk around with my anxiety and hypervigilence therefore shining like a beacon over the heads of the crowd, drawing attention to just that--and I'm of an age wherein my generation has become openly confrontational, with the idea that this is "being real", while being courteous, and respectful of others boundaries has become to be seen now as "uptight", instead. Or that's my take on it, anyway.

There really are soooo many things that you've written in your last two posts that I'd love to quote!! Coming to this site has really been an amazing experience for me. I want to laugh and cry...

I have a really, really dear friend who is around 6'4". He hates it because he feels as you do that everyone only sees his height and perceive him as somehow dangerous to them because of it. (Now that's crazy!! He's a doll!)

I have always related to his issue with his height because after I was initially "hurt," I developed a terrible full-body tremor that continued day and night for four and a half years until it was finally controlled by an anti-seizure medication. Walking around with the tremor was much like walking around with neon signs all over your body. "Something is wrong with her."

After the tremor was controlled by the medication, it changed a little bit. It is now more like I have a target on my back and a target on my front. The more I try to hide my PTSD from people the more they can see the targets. "Something is REALLY wrong with her." When people who would do me harm see the targets, and I know when they do, I start to fall apart right in front of them. I might start shaking and try to leave. They act like I'm being paranoid, and keep pushing. They pretend that they don't see what they are doing, trying to convince me that it is ME and NOT them. I view my PTSD to be very dangerous to me. That is why the statistics for the re-offending of past victims are so high. Suddenly isolation feels rational...Lonely, but safe and rational.

I view what the "being real" people are doing as the same as any class of perpetrator/manipulator. They look for the holes in your shield and tell you that you are "uptight" if you refuse to display them. Courtesy and respectfulness should be a requirement for anyone who approaches us, especially with the struggles we face every day.

I'm so happy to have met you and thank you for your many helpful posts!!

 

[RussH]

It is a quandry: On the one hand we say we need people, then on the other we say who needs people. I think I tend to push people away as a defense mechanisim. It is almost like I am going to reject you before you can reject me. However I know I cannot live in a vacuum, so the quandry.

Life was so much simplier when I was three:)

 

[Nativia]

It was slow, focused, deliberate and SMART (Specific, measurable, attainable, realistic and timely or tangible).

I absolutely LOVE the SMART acronym!!! TY for that and for all of your wonderful insights!

 

[The Albatross]

If you click the blue acronym it will take you to an article explaining it more. But goal setting worked for me when trying to find motivation didn't. I did some funny ones, some short ones, some new things ones, some physical health ones... and I have now a variety that go on through the years, for the last about 5 years. I did some one year ones, and am now doing a 101 goals in 1001 days (the Day Zero Project) but I've been a bit stuck on that at the moment.

I include timed challenges for stresses or triggers and when I frame them as "challenges" somehow I am more successful. I have some that are 30, 60, 90 days... 6 months or a year. I chip away at them as I am able and am not at all shy about abandoning non starters (ones that I get stuck or no success on) but rather than dropping them completely, they stay on the list and I pick up another one... eventually I will "try, try" at it again.

It has been personally beneficial because I learn a lot about myself and what my difficulties are. I also learn what I like, what I don't, and pay attention to my thoughts during the process. Each time I achieve a goal, I have a new experience to draw on. Methodical, slow, deliberate but it is working for me.

 

[Nativia]

Thank you Albatross! I went to the site and think that this would complement what I have already been doing very well. I've had mixed results with the way I have approached my goals, mostly because every day is different for me. Sometimes I'm sick, sometimes too anxious, sometimes I don't have the energy or the "want to" about me. I do fight it, but I get mixed results.

I appreciate your bringing up these strategies. I am and always have been one who enjoys challenging myself. Oh, but the sweetness of hard-fought success!! I will get to this straight away. Tomorrow I will formally define my current goals and create new ones to grab as I am ready for them. I love the idea of broadening the tiny world that I currently live in...but, this is definitely not going to be something that will be changing very quickly or without much work.

I'll keep you posted!! :-D