Suppressed Anger

[maddog]

It's odd, T and I were discussing this indirectly today too, in the sense that we were discussing the fact that certain emotions or experiences can't really be accessed, expressed or processed until other "blockages" have been removed. In my case he was saying that until I can deal with my shame, feelings such as violation and anger cannot be fully accessed or dealt with.

Quite frankly I think i'm still too blown apart, hurting and emotionally exhausted to have really come to grips with our discussion yet, but it does make sense, at least partially, that there should be a hierarchy of emotions and that lower order ones cannot be accessed until the higher order ones have been addressed.

Maddog

 

[Iam]

Today I realized it is a huge issue for me, that I need to start investigating. Thank you for these posts I can't add anything yet but hopefully in the future I can.

Realizing and acknowledging is a HUGE step in the right direction purple butterfly. You'll get there, just keep at it.

It's odd, T and I were discussing this indirectly today too, in the sense that we were discussing the fact that certain emotions or experiences can't really be accessed, expressed or processed until other "blockages" have been removed. In my case he was saying that until I can deal with my shame, feelings such as violation and anger cannot be fully accessed or dealt with.

He's right Maddog. It's like peeling layers of an onion back. If you are still feeling shame it means that you still feel responsible for what happened. How can you feel violated if you think it was your fault? let alone feel anger about that violation? It takes time to untangle all of it to see what actually happened and accept it.

You are both doing the hard work to get there. That takes so much courage. I know it's hard, but have patience with yourselves and take as much time as you need to work through all of it. YOU deserve it.

(((HUGS))))

 

[maddog]

Wonder why i seme to be such an oddity about everything. It's as though I keep peeling and then unpeeling my onion... because somehow, sometimes, I can feel both shame and violation at the same time when I think about things that were done to me.

Or perhaps not at the same time, but interchangeably, as though sometimes all I feel is the shame and self hatred and revulsion at who I am and what I must have done to deserve such things, yet then I will feel the horrific humiliation and violation of what he did, and the powerless frozen muted horror of the way it was... the way it still somehow is.

How is this possible? I feel stupid, confused, lost...

Maddog

 

[purple butterfly]

((OH Maddog))

 

[Iam]

Or perhaps not at the same time, but interchangeably, as though sometimes all I feel is the shame and self hatred and revulsion at who I am and what I must have done to deserve such things, yet then I will feel the horrific humiliation and violation of what he did, and the powerless frozen muted horror of the way it was... the way it still somehow is.

How is this possible?

(((Maddog)))

I think that is a perfectly normal reaction to an horrific thing being done to you. I do the same thing. Vacillating back and forth. Seriously, sometimes I don't even believe I was raped when I was seven...then I remember the facts. Most times I feel I'm exaggerating the child abuse inflicted by my parents, then my therapist is quite blunt and asks me how I'd feel if I knew that was happening to a different child. I still feel totally ashamed and don't like myself. Deep down I really don't believe I am as good as other people. I wonder HOW I ever will feel differently.

All that to say it's a process Maddog. We peel a layer back, the another and then find that we need to go back to the original layer to do more work on it. You are the exact opposite of an oddity. You are reacting in a normal way to an abnormal event. You are strong or you wouldn't be here fighting. You'll win Maddog, so will I. We just have to keep trying, accept our feelings and what seems like setbacks and work on it some more.

 

[Phoenix_Rising]

Maddog... I completely relate to everything you just said.

I relate to what others have said about the repressed anger etc. too.

It's just one of those things that right now is so what I am dealing with that it is too much to respond how I want to... I just don't have the ability or energy this week to get deep into anything.

But I just want to say, I go through, am going through, the same thing. And Maddog yours is so similar that it is like it was written about me.

Sorry I cannot write more than that, everyone, right now :(

But it is good to see other people are having the same struggles, even people who, like me, have been working on themselves for a long time... Find this emotional, feelings work difficult.

 

[maddog]

Hugs Phoenix, Sterre, and so many others of us who are all tramping this weary road.

It sounds like a cliche, but it really does help to know I'm not alone and that others can relate to what seem like crazy insane mixes of thoughts and feelings. I never did like onions much...


Maddog