Sufferer Surviving My C-ptsd ''alone''

[Anarchy]

Omfg! [Dislike intensely] that you got subjected to that torrent of crap!

Ive got a mental picture of an Irish bog slide - a whole mountain side worth of peat, turning into liquid crap and flowing (if you do a YouTube search for "derrybrien, peat" you'll get some video of one flowing ) out of your ex's mouth. There's enough there to for everyone on the forum to play narcissistic ex bingo with, and still have some crap left over to pollute a few rivers and lakes with.

That's a look inside his head. That's him, it is NOT a reflection of you.

I know that that is difficult to hold on to, but what he dumped on you is him, not you.

Glad that you are home and feeling able to post about what must have been a horrible thing to experience.
:hug:

 

[Bliss]

I am not sure what to say, new here too, what I am thinking is u were really strong being able to go through that in a different city, no matter what shape u are in now u are strong:):):) I hope u and your son can do something really relaxing and nururing:)

 

[Moon]

hey
Thank you so much for writing
I woke up in the middle of the night after heavy nightmares into a full blown anxiety attack
Still questioning myself if he might be right with an intense feeling of disgust deep inside
I feel murdered

 

[Bliss]

Oh my gosh, the list you wrote sounded just like the lists I have heard, and other women who I know have been told. While of course there is a little reality in a few of the statements (just enough to make us doubt) it was so clear from your first posting how much u cared and how much u were giving him the benefit of the doubt. Other people were pointing it out:) u gave him a fair chance and like the person before me said he showed who he was, not who u are :).
Your postings brought me right back, how great it was part of the time, then the lows. Know what u mean about feeling soul murdered, especially the other women comments so hurtful :(.

I am camping and typing on phone, battery getting low, going to town tomorrow, I will come back on, see how it is going, sure others will be along, the antidote to all trauma, and this is a HUGE tramatic expereince, is self acceptance, kindness, validation. When we abondon ourselves after these things we do to ourselves what they did, plaese hold yourself close, we all will help absorb some of the pain.

 

[Bliss]

And men here this stuff from woman too, I just heard the accounts from woman :)

 

[Bliss]

The worst part for me was I would go through all that and then still miss him, attachment problems, when I learned about trauma bonds it started to get better, lots of into on line. I keep logging off and then think of these things. I have been there it stinks to say the least. Take the best care u can tonight

 

[Moon]

Thank you so much
Almost crying again feeling the kindness in your words.
But I feel just empty and cold inside.
I want to talk but want to forget this is really happening. Trying to justify his words..
tell people.. his family.. but what will they think of me. the weak hysterical person he says I am?
he pushed me out of our business and now his life. I am scared beyond words
I have to be strong but I don't know where to find the strength any more

 

[Bliss]

I so feel what u are going through, I am 51 and just last couple of years have stayed out of relationships, because of becoming so lost and confused, it gets boring and lonely at times, but I would get to where u are.

The only thing I know for sure is the remedy for all is to learn the best we can to accept ourselves, our pain, our mistakes, vulnerabilities and even happiness and peace.

I totally get taking a break from talking, writing thinking about it, seeing if it will fade a bit:). The site will be here, no end of trauma to work through in the world!

Sending loving kindness to all of us :)

 

[aut555]

I so feel what u are going through, I am 51 and just last couple of years have stayed out of relationship...

 

[Canticle]

Hello,

I'm new here to this site and forum. Even anonymous find it extremely scary to put myself out here...

Thank you for your clarity and sharhing.. First off, you are not alone. There are so many of us on this site that will help you harbor the sorrows and be with you every step it ttaks to return to that happy place within you.
I can relate with the issues you are dealing with regarding your partner. I was married to a narcissist for ten years. My therapist helped me process the sorrows and guided me back to inner peace. This much I know.
I had to hold onto my love and light within to make it through the dark days and cold indifference that was rendered.

Your love belongs to you and you must develope boundaries and create independence that will gratify your needs.
True narcissism is utterly self serving and lacks empathy. Only you can determine what line needs to be drawn regarding the love you share. Regardleas, take care of you and your needs.

I lost myself way down below the sorrows. I compromised my smiles and laughs in the dark fade. In the end I found my greatest blessing beneath the deep blue. It was the abundance of love. I am forever greatful for that and will always protect, love and honor those in need. So you are most definitely not alone and you are loved beyound measure.

I wish I could reach out and take those bitter despairs away and replace them with the greatest blessing. I would see you with heart smile and my world would shine all brighter. Just know that I believe in your light within and am greatful that you have reached out and shared it with me...

Please continue to reach out and allow the healing process and love to bless you.

 

[Moon]

I don't even know at this moment what to write

I already let him go, yes out of love, but I did.
Why does he seem to seek to destroy me. I know I shouldn't try to understand but my life seems to depend on it.

I've been alone for months already, I was just starting to cope.
He pulled me back with words of love and promises, and completely broke me down again.
He said it is all in my head.

Financially, I'm completely dependent still. We set up our business together but everything is on his name.
I put 10 years of my live into our lives and work, to now hear that I have not contributed anything. Only 'dragged things down'.
He joked about 'firing' me already before.

Everything about this is so wrong
I'm between fighting and letting go. I don't only have myself to consider, my son.. our home.
I feel almost paralyzed while knowing I can't give in.

 

[Bliss]

Why does he seem to seek to destroy me. I know I shouldn't try to understand but my life seems to depend on it.

. For me I did need to understand, so I could learn how to not go through it again, or if I did, without as much intensity:) I haven't read them but I see some thread on here that may be similar to what u are going through, when we have the long standing trauma, I believe we often have similar problems with attachment. I bet alot of the answers to why and understanding may be on here.

The concept of trauma bonds is what helped me understand what I was doing. Attaching even stronger to the person that was causing the insecure feelings in the first place! Because if my trauma history I had many abandonment issues, panic, and would turn to people who could not consistently be there for me, but if I could be with them it would bring down the panic for awhile. U might want to Google trauma bonds and see if it fits, it took me a couple of years to really understand what was going on with me, not to be discouraging, but realistic, I couldn't find a quick fixed to this I tried! Wishing u the best :)