Sufferer Surviving My C-ptsd ''alone''

[Moon]

Hello,

I'm new here to this site and forum. Even anonymous find it extremely scary to put myself out here and introduce myself. So I'm sorry if my words sound distant or emotionless

I am 36, mother of a 15 year old and living in Europe.
From life long experiences of isolation, betrayal, neglect and abuse since early childhood, I have been diagnosed with complex PTSD, additionally depression.

I have been fighting and struggling for years to build up my life again after previous abuse and trauma's, especially for my son. His father who had an addiction problem and developing schizophrenia due to his addition, abused me for years, and broke me down emotionally, physically and financially. It took me years to fight out of his grasp, and many more to recover if I even have already.

My current partner and I, we set up a business together and I consider myself lucky to have been able to pay off all my debts and provide for our little family. He has tried to support and stimulate me, however, when it comes to it, he never seemed to be willing to see me change into a stronger woman. We love each other dearly, but both our issues have put a strain on our being together. We have had amazingly good times, and unimaginable bad ones. Periods of intense love and deep connection, followed my periods of cold withdrawal.

Living and being with my partner has been a roller-coaster, from intense peaks to intense lows, where I found myself increasingly drawing back in a submissive victim role, out of guilt, fear to stand up for myself, and not knowing any better until I realized that there was (again) nothing left of 'me'.

After a few years, after many urges partner has come to therapy with me. So far he has a careful diagnose to have Narcissistic Personality Disorder. He has had a very traumatic childhood. How much he is affected by this disorder, still has to show from further therapy. He is still partly in denial about this, he has been seeing my c-PTSD as the cause of our issues. It is very hard for him to take responsibility, especially when it comes to our relationship.

1.5 months ago, my therapist thought me to be ready for EMDR therapy, which I was very scared to start with. I had sessions before but I was not able to complete them. My therapist and partner supported me individually
towards taking the scary step to start with the EMDR therapy. They would have my back.. I took the leap of faith and agreed to schedule them in.

But the moment I scheduled in my sessions my partner decided to take an extended vacation in his home country. He said he would support me nonetheless. We always keep in close touch when he is abroad.

Originally he would go for 2 weeks to take a break, which honestly was well deserved. But he is still there. Many promises and new dates he would be coming home, when it comes to it the day comes and passes.
The longer he is there he seems to be more focused on socializing and making new friends. At this point, he shows any (romantic) interest or even ask me how I am anymore. He stopped talking to our therapist too ( we have online counseling)

I feel increasingly cheated, disappointed, depressed and lonely. I have no parents, friends and or other family left, and without any support, emotional, practical, or in any other way, I could not deal with the EMDR alone. I can't possibly let my 15 year old take care of me! Even the suggestion of it makes me sick to my stomach.

I'm struggling to not let my feelings of loneliness and isolation go into a new depression cycle. I am even having suicidal thoughts on my deepest lows ( I will never commit to that because of my child ) But it is so, so hard to keep my head up.

There are many things skipped with my introduction, that became so much longer already than I imagined it to be when starting. But it felt good to write.

Whoever reads my words, thank you for listening.

 

[Bloomy]

Welcome to the forum first of all and hope youll find it to be as useful as many of us others do.

Just shortly I can reckognize parts of what your saying - I have a 19 year old and cant let her bear the burden of my recovery. Im also all alone and no other support then this site.

With that said the support from peers here is a blessing.

Take care.

 

[Moon]

Thank you for your welcome Bloomy
Honestly I wasn't sure to come here or even post. I've had the idea for a long time that being in a place with people with similar or worse experiences would make me feel even worse. I am very sensitive for other people's mood or (bad) experiences. If that makes any sense

 

[Bloomy]

It makes sense Moon. Thats why fex I dont go to support center in hometown.
Im glad you came here and that you posted. I feel encouragment and support here and hope it ll be the same for you.

 

[Gs172003]

One thing I am having issues with...would a true narcissist be there for you at all? Isn't the very definition someone who can't and thinks extremely highly of themselves? Or am I mistaken?

That said it sounds like he is not ready for therapy. It can't be forced no matter what. Maybe try working on yourself and get stronger on your own?

 

[Moon]

hi Zoogal,
Thanks for your answer

I'm not a psychologist, but what I understood from mine, is that people with Narcissism, even though doing everything they can to appear as amazing, successful and admirable as they can, do not think highly of themselves, at all. They are in fact very insecure, deep inside. That is why a Narcissist needs constant attention, admiration and adoration to 'feed' on their ego.

He tries.. but it highly depends on his own mood.. that varies per period of time. One week/month he is sweet, caring and compassionate, the next he doesn't seem to be there anymore. Just a cold empty shell without any empathy, compassion. Its heartbreaking. Our therapist has trouble too putting a finger on it, that is why I wrote careful diagnosis. And of course, same as with any condition and even PTSD itself, there are many levels of Narcissism though.. its hard to label all as one.

I've tried to support him regardless of his moods as much as I can, I deeply love him. But I can't deny that on moments I need him most myself, he is simply is not there. When he started therapy, he made such improvement too, we both did I felt such a rest and courage inside to be able to work on my own issues, but this moment, I'm completely at loss again.

Healing on my own without support is something I have tried for years. With all ups and downs that come with complex trauma.. I worked from home so I could easily hide between my screen. Sort of.. But to get towards actual healing and overcoming my complex trauma, my therapist tells me I need EMDR therapy in a stable environment. The last sessions I had, pushed me back so hardcore that I could barely get out of bed for days. Headache, nightmares, vomiting, continuous shaking.. and so on. Being alone all day with my thoughts, flashbacks and emotions, and trying to be something human like for my son.
I felt like suffocating.

Tomorrow I will see my therapist to talk about it.

 

[Tinyflame]

Welcome @Moon . :hug:

 

[Gs172003]

hi Zoogal,
Thanks for your answer

I'm not a psychologist, but what I understood from mine, is that people...

My husband is the same way with the week to seek stuff. But I would never label him a narcissist. I think he has some serious issues, don't get me wrong but narcissism isn't one of them

 

[Gs172003]

1. Per the Mayo clinic:

Rare
Fewer than 200,000 US cases per year

Can't be cured, but treatment may help

Requires a medical diagnosis

Lab tests or imaging not required

Chronic: can last for years or be lifelong
Narcissistic personality disorder is found more commonly in men. The cause is unknown but likely involves a combination of genetic and environmental factors.
Symptoms include an excessive need for admiration, disregard for others' feelings, an inability to handle any criticism, and a sense of entitlement.
The disorder needs to be diagnosed by a professional. Treatment involves talk therapy.

 

[Gs172003]

Dang who knew it was rare

Anyway does that sound familiar?

 

[aut555]

Dealt with bipolar narc soon to be ex. He had very traumatic childhood. Abusive alcoholic fathers, a emotionally cold mother, and one really angry brother. The mother confessed to me she was emotionally distanced.

He has no empathy, he lies because he can. He is grandiose. My things are his and not mine. I am just a "belonging" , l have no other function to him. Controlling my world sadly, is his only satisfaction. He doesn't have friends, can't be bothered. After 18 years of abuse, he sadly believes l would go back to him. WTF? He has a total disconnect from reality. That seems to be a problem. It's only his planet, nobody else exists where he is at.

 

[Werewoman]

Hi Moon!
I don't know much about narcisscism but I've done EMDR on and off for years. The devastation you describe after your session happens to me, too. It gets better. It has worked wonders for me, but it's not easy. Recovery never is, I think.

I have a 32 yr. old daughter and a 23 yr. old son that I raised through the worst years of my cptsd insanity. My husband traveled for work, so I found myself on my own for the most part. I explained to them my diagnosis (they'd already seen me at my worst) and they were as relieved as I was to be able to put a name to my madness. I didn't share any real details with them, only the jist of how I got this way. Now they tell me I did alright and I should be proud of myself.