tphillips117
Silver Member
I feel like I'm in so deep, lived this for so long, how is there possibly any way out? No one understands. You feel guilty for hiding it and not sharing it all at the same time. My personal favorite is feeling like someone has it way worse that you do, so what are you complaining about? Those are the things we tell ourselves to not get help. Seeking treatment is a BIG deal. How do you trust someone, when you don't even trust yourself? How do you open up to a stranger when you've worked so hard to hide how you feel, what you feel, what you know?
I just went to a therapist for the first time last Wed. I've tried to talk myself out of going back ever since. There are good moments in your life, when you feel like you can do anything. And then....BAM, that memory will hit, you'll get that adrenaline rush, your heart will beat fast, your hands will shake; maybe you'll feel nauseaous or throw up. Suddenly, you feel desperate. Like you're falling off a cliff and no one is going to save you.
I can relate to your nighttime fears. I've had a fear of the dark since I was a little kid. Everynight at my house (as soon as I get into bed), I hear things. I convince myself that someone is breaking in. I get up to check--nothing. Back to bed. Then I might think I hear voices, or see a shadow move. Except this time I'm to paralyzed to get up and look. My adrenaline rushes, I can feel my heartbeat in my finger tips, and my body shakes. I'm convinced that someone is going to come in and shoot me.
When I drive is probably the most scary time for me. Ever driven somewhere, been so deep in thought, only to discover that you have no idea how or when you got to your destination? I've even gotten out of my car and looked at it, hoping that I didn't have an accident and just didn't notice. I've even driven somewhere, only to realize that I have no idea where I am. I've been mindless driving for 30 minutes past where I was supposed to go before I realized it.
How about the memory problems? I have to keep post-it notes everywhere to remind me of my life. I'll have conversations with people and forget entirely that they ever happened. Or I'll be talking to someone and then they'll say "you know what I mean?" and I'll say "Oh, yeah, totally", but you were in your own head and have no idea what the person said.
It's like being imprisoned in your mind. It's horrible. Awful. It's makes me sad, crazy, paranoid, and hopeless. Sometimes, I wonder...it this worth saving?
I just went to a therapist for the first time last Wed. I've tried to talk myself out of going back ever since. There are good moments in your life, when you feel like you can do anything. And then....BAM, that memory will hit, you'll get that adrenaline rush, your heart will beat fast, your hands will shake; maybe you'll feel nauseaous or throw up. Suddenly, you feel desperate. Like you're falling off a cliff and no one is going to save you.
I can relate to your nighttime fears. I've had a fear of the dark since I was a little kid. Everynight at my house (as soon as I get into bed), I hear things. I convince myself that someone is breaking in. I get up to check--nothing. Back to bed. Then I might think I hear voices, or see a shadow move. Except this time I'm to paralyzed to get up and look. My adrenaline rushes, I can feel my heartbeat in my finger tips, and my body shakes. I'm convinced that someone is going to come in and shoot me.
When I drive is probably the most scary time for me. Ever driven somewhere, been so deep in thought, only to discover that you have no idea how or when you got to your destination? I've even gotten out of my car and looked at it, hoping that I didn't have an accident and just didn't notice. I've even driven somewhere, only to realize that I have no idea where I am. I've been mindless driving for 30 minutes past where I was supposed to go before I realized it.
How about the memory problems? I have to keep post-it notes everywhere to remind me of my life. I'll have conversations with people and forget entirely that they ever happened. Or I'll be talking to someone and then they'll say "you know what I mean?" and I'll say "Oh, yeah, totally", but you were in your own head and have no idea what the person said.
It's like being imprisoned in your mind. It's horrible. Awful. It's makes me sad, crazy, paranoid, and hopeless. Sometimes, I wonder...it this worth saving?
