Symptoms in waves

[TTC18]

So I kind of get waves - days where I'm basically useless and pretending to be normal all day while my thoughts race and I'm constantly trying to use mindful breathing etc. And then days where I am making plans and having ideas, and thinking, 'OK, I managed to stuff it all back down so now I can live again!' while only having mildly panicky thoughts and racing heart and so on. Mild symptoms I can deal with, push down, etc. Other days, it takes over everything.
During days when I feel like I can handle it, I feel like I'm a fraud - no, I'm fine, why am I trying to see a doctor, why am I trying to get disability, look, I'm FINE!! - and I don't even want to look at or think about the PTSD stuff.
Then I wake up at 1AM and can't sleep and all I can think about all day is 'I'm losing it' and my heart's pounding and I'm panicking and suddenly I want to look at the PTSD stuff again because having an explanation for how I'm feeling is the only way I can feel like I'm not totally losing it. (Guess which kind of day today is! You get 3 guesses, and the first 2 don't count.)

I know there's no such thing as normal, but ... is this normal?

Also, I know I need help - I'm trying to get in to see a doctor, I've applied for mental health care, and so on and am working on that aspect -insurance nightmare, but while I wait, I'm hoping for some input from everyone.

 

[Swift]

Yeah definitely normal.
I call them "waves" too, actually

 

[shimmerz]

Me too.

 

[EveHarrington]

Yes, this is the ptsd roller coaster. Always up and down. Quite normal.

 

[Emotional girl]

Mine comes in waves as well.I will sit and think I feel so much better today and maybe there is nothing wrong with me.Then a few days later I can be rock bottom again.

 

[TTC18]

Thanks, everyone. I guess there are normal ways to be abnormal after all.
:confused:

 

[TTC18]

Speaking of symptoms - do you guys ever go weak in the knees when you're in fear mode? I get so shaky I feel like I can't even stand up sometimes.

 

[LuckiLee]

One word....cyclical.

Hugs!!

 

[Abstract]

I especially have waves now that things have improved for me. I sometimes do pretty well. Especially if I am doing all the things I should to help me be stable.

Yes, re the knees. Also have collapsed. Did dissociative stuff on occasion where would drop down (with various reasons/machanisms)

 

[TTC18]

Thanks for sharing your experience - I'm things have improved for you!