Telling My In-laws

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Today I will be in therapy when my husband and boys go to visit my in-laws. I am okay with that, but I have missed many visits. I have missed visits because of appointments or because I didn't want to be around people or because I didn't want to be in the car. Basically, they're starting to notice the absences.

My mother-in-law is very emotional. She has always been that way, but she has cancer and the emotions are not always rational now. She has always blamed herself for everything. For example, after I had my second child, I was sick and exhausted (I had a c-section and hysterectomy) so I was a bit quieter than usual. She would say things like "what did I say that was wrong" and if I assured her that I was just tired, she'd change that to "oh, I guess you don't love me". She's not trying to be dramatic, she just has her own issues and to some extent really believes these things. I haven't told my in-laws mainly because I can't deal with having her think that she is to blame and having to reassure her that I love her.

But I can't keep hiding it. I am not telling all the details, just the basic fact that I have PTSD. I am sending a letter with my husband so at least I don't have to have the conversation today. I also have my brother-in-law and his wife coming to stay with us next week so I know I will have to tell them. I can't exactly hide my freakouts. Not right now in my current state, though I have exited my low a little bit.

Basically I am posting because I am nervous. I don't want to have to deal with the drama that will come from sharing this with them. I could keep hiding it, but I don't think that is the right thing to do for me and my family either. So ready or not, here it goes.

 

[littlelostchild]

Congratulations on being open about your PTSD. I recently told my mother in law that I am seeing a psychiatrist. That was all I told her and she said she didn't want to know anything more anyway. It helped explain a bit more why I've been off work and why I have been doing less family obligations.

She was great about it, giving me extra hugs when I see her. It is surprising how well people respond when they realize it isn't something they have done to put you off. I think everyone has their own stuff to some degree or other.

I think you will find it to be a weight lifted off of you.

 

[KwanYingirl]

That is very brave of you, JEK. I don't even discuss my state of mind with my family. I tried at one point but they all just dismissed me as being too sensitive. Family can be a hard nut to crack, good for you!!!

 

[arfie]

However it works out, JEK, the open truth is much easier to keep track of. I hate having to keep track of multiple versions of a single story.

Congratulations on your courage. Let us know how it works out.

 

[anthony]

she just has her own issues

Sorry, but I think that is an understatement based on your post. That is a selfish person who is all about themselves, about how they feel, and not giving of how others feel. Self validation is the issue... and quite honestly, I would actually want to stay away from a person like that.

 

[scout86]

When I read your description of your mother-in-law, I thought that she sounded a lot like my mother. Then I read through the responses. When I got to @anthony's response, I had to laugh in recognition. Yes, she has issues, and those (Self centered, maybe narcissistic?) are pretty much what they are. There are probably more, both in the case of my mom AND you mother-in-law. And, I'm sure, somewhere in the background there are reasons and it's not their fault and probably not a conscious choice. That doesn't mean I want to be around it.

Good luck with this! Honestly is probably the best policy. I'm hoping you find some understanding and compassion. (I wouldn't confide in MY biological family for all the money in the world!)

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

My husband reported that my father-in-law said that he suspected something was up, my brother-in-law didn't really respond (he's the quiet type so that's normal), and my mother-in-law is in worse shape than I thought (with the cancer) and really didn't grasp the letter. So I guess I freaked out for nothing.

I guess I was in a brave sharing mood today, too, because I just told my husband about having dissociative identity disorder and about having been sexually abused as a child (no details, just the fact that I was). He did amazing with the news and I feel a huge sense of relief.

 

[anthony]

Well done @JEKBreatheandBelieve