Telling The Details...

[DogwoodTree]

Do you tell your T the details of what happened to you?

I always thought that was a necessary part of the process, and actually I feel like I could "report" on the details in a dissociated state. To emotionally engage with the story even on a very big-picture level is more of a challenge than speaking the words of what happened.

But my T said a couple of months ago that he had figured I wouldn't want to tell specific details, although he was fine with it if I chose to tell. On an emotional level...I'm actually more afraid of telling exactly what happened because I don't want to hurt my therapist...I can't imagine that these pictures would be easy for anyone to carry, even for a short while. But at the same time, I feel like it's eating me up inside. When I look for a sense of my identity...this is what I see. The ways I was touched and looked at and talked about. The image they formed of me in the way they treated me. It seems like...to be "authentic" and honest with my T...would require telling him what I see as being me.

And yes, I know--cognitively--that what happened to me is not who I am. But this is the message that was spoken over me throughout my entire childhood...conception to leaving for college. There were no safe adults to say otherwise. Even God...my step-dad was the pastor of my mom's church group before she married him, and he was very adept at brainwashing and spiritual abuse. I've not really managed to separate my picture of God from the images of my step-dad, and that makes God seem very distant (like my dad) and threatening (like my step-dad), even though I believe otherwise.

At the same time, I'm already struggling with believing that my T likes me at all. I know he's trained to like his clients, and wants to like them, but honestly, I don't have a very likable personality. It seems like, if I bring up this stuff at that level...trying to offload details...I would become downright repulsive...needy...whiny...clingy...or completely shutdown.

Ack, I hate myself. Sorry...I try to take up as little space in the world as I can manage. Hoping to contribute at least a little more than what I use up.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Telling details is usually part of processing, but it doesn't sound like you're to the point where you're ready for processing.

Are you seeing a trauma therapist?

 

[barefoot]

My therapist is the only person I've told the details to - she's the only person who knows what happened. I told her because it felt odd not to...I'd told her the headline of what had happened and then it felt like it made sense a couple of weeks later to tell her the detail. It just felt like it would be awkward to kind of dance around what really happened and for us to talk about it with her not really knowing exactly what I was actually talking about.

Like you, I told the story in a very factual, detached way and with very neutral language. It was really like me telling a story that had happened to someone else. I didn't feel connected to it at all. So that's our next step. I think we're at the point where nothing will be gained from me talking about it factually and analysing and intellectualising what happened and the impact it's had. I apparently need to connect to the emotions of what happened and how I actually feel about it. Hmm...

So I think my therapist's view is that telling her the story was a good thing as it was the first time I'd ever told it so it was a positive, powerful thing to break the silence after 20 years. But ultimately the real work will start when I can actually feel myself in the story and not just give a dispassionate, factual summary of events.

As an aside, I think you need to share what feels right for you and if sharing the detail feels right, not to be put off doing so for fear of hurting your therapist. It's his job to hear people's stories and if he is a good therapist he will self-manage, hold your space and witness you and your story with great empathy.

 

[DogwoodTree]

Telling details is usually part of processing, but it doesn't sound like you're to the point where you'...

He advertises trauma as one of his areas of expertise, but I don't think he's done much training in specialty therapies like EMDR (never suggested it) or neurofeedback (recommended someone else for that part). He does seem to "get it" a whooole lot better than anyone else I've ever worked with. And he says his wife is an abuse survivor of some kind, though he doesn't give details. So he says he's really familiar with the process from supporting her, too.

So...what signifies that a person is "ready" to process the trauma? I've been working on this, primarily on my own but also with some help along the way, for over 20 years. The past year and a half, stuff I thought I had put to rest has come back up with a vengeance, and I've worked really hard during that time to learn how to manage the symptoms. But it feels like trying to drive a car that's still got some serious engine work needing to be done...seems like it would make more sense to do the engine work already instead of risking further damage from stuff breaking down that needs to be rebuilt before use.

But ultimately the real work will start when I can actually feel myself in the story and not just give a dispassionate, factual summary of events.

I'm trying to make sense of what seems to me to be a conflict in all of this. If managing the symptoms means the crazy emotional fluctuations aren't running my life so much...but processing the trauma means I get in touch with the awful emotions of the events, all those feelings I stuffed away so long ago...this just confuses me. Am I supposed to deeply feel the feelings or not? Am I supposed to be able to live alongside it without being overwhelmed (managing the symptoms...living from a place of some detachment), or am I supposed to be able to immerse myself emotionally in the story and let all of that surface for whatever it is? I feel like I've been pushing myself in two directions at once...feel the feelings, but don't give the feelings access to my decision-making process. Is it really supposed to be so compartmentalized?