That Feeling Of Death.....

[OKRADLAK]

One of the things I cannot shake is that when I was in the trauma I really thought I was going to die. Something snapped like I saw the other side, something I was not supposed to see.

I am not sure if this happens with all PTSD? Probably not, but maybe?

Anyway, I cannot shake it. So even though the event (s) passed, that feeling is right there. Like what made me me is really dead and now I just have to wait a little while to catch up.

I really believe I felt what people feel right as they are dying. Scared beyond description and then just accepting.

Now it is hard to get too excited about doing any darn thing because it is like I have seen what it all comes to .....not a lot.

Does this make sense? Does anyone relate?

 

[Mr. Smith]

believe I felt what people feel

I feel like that when I watch movies, really get to know the character. I watch mostly sad movies, because sadness is the only feeling that feels real to me. :confused:

Now it is hard to get too excited about doing any darn thing because it is like I have seen what it all comes to .....not a lot.

Haha! This is really about happiness (I really wish I had my book now) To make it simple, you might be happy if you buy a new car, but since it's from "the earth" it will only make you happy for a little while. But if you invest in people, your works will be everlasting and so you will be happy! Its something like that. I know I don't make a lot of sence sometimes. My mind wonders... lol :confused:

 

[freakofnurture]

But if you invest in people, your works will be everlasting

Define 'everlasting'. Once the solar system blows up there won't be much left of whatever species evolves out of humanity. And if we start to travel interstellar space, there'll be the cold death of the universe to end all change and therefore all relevance of prior events.

@OKRADLAK: I had no moment-of-death trauma that I can remember, but my trauma gave me an outlook on the world and myself in which death and bleakness are ever present, too.

Humans, little soulless robots made mostly of water and carbohydrates. Brain breaks, human gone. And we are aware of this. We came out of the void and spend our life staring back into it, as it creeps closer and closer, to reunite us with nothingness.

And yet, look at the awsomeness of that void, the universe. Our bodies are fragile, and yet, they are star dust. They are more than just that. They're as old as the universe, really, and even older.

To mourn the death of something means to merely mourn a constellation of particles that dissolves to move on into another constellation. Death is merely the end of one physical form and the beginning of another. That sounds cheesy as heck. Let me add that most of the physical transformation is achieved via the poop of the animal who last ate a part of you.

 

[Mr. Smith]

Define 'everlasting'.

Well Dictionary.com says..

ev-er-last-ing

-adjective
1. lasting forever; eternal
2. lasting or continuing for an indefinitely long time
3. incessant; constantly recurring
4. wearisome; tedious

-noun
5. eternal duration; eternity
6. the Everlasting, God
7. any of various plants that retain their shape or color when dried, as certain composite plants of the genera Helichrysum, Gnaphalium, and Helipterum. 

 

[sea]

This is pretty much the state in which I live my life. Though I tend to have more thoughts that coincide with my inevitable death ("I am going to die, it's only a matter of time, my life is shortened, I'll never have ____, I can't believe I'm this old", etc) interchanging with thoughts that I am already dead, or I have already passed the threshold. I think in me this manifests as a desire for me to amp it up so I can feel like I care about my own existence, doing dangerous things. As a kid I did a lot of reckless behavior. Now though I just have kind of accepted it. I don't think I'll break out of it.

 

[atl22]

So even though the event (s) passed, that feeling is right there.

Yeah, I can definitely relate. I had a couple of near-death experiences with one in particular in which I fell in the endless pit of blackness and reached out for a razor-sharp beam of light. I never accepted anything, though, I fought my way out of it. But I know exactly what you mean when you say that you can still feel it. I can still feel it right now. It is so easy to go there - it's right here with me all the time. At any moment, I can put myself back in that mind and float away, which scares me. I can be surrounded by people, all of them laughing, talking, living, and my mind can float away because that feeling of death is right here in front of my eyes.

I also know what it feels like to have someone die in my arms, that single instant between life and death, as life slips out and then it is just a body. And when the body is gone, there is nothing like that emptiness. There was that moment before, when I had never felt a person die and which I can not remember. Then there is that moment after, which is right now. I can feel that right now, too, if I let myself. I try not to left myself. These are things that I hope to work out in therapy.

 

[ronin47]

That's a common trait of PTSD sufferers. PTSD is usually caused when a person feels like their life or physical state is in extreme and immediate danger. Then as the symptoms set in that moment is relived over and over again. What you're experiencing is not unusual.

 

[Cheshire]

Scared beyond description and then just accepting.
Now it is hard to get too excited about doing any darn thing because it is like I have seen what it all comes to .....not a lot

Yep, I can totally relate. I have nothing to add but that, because I'm still trying to understand it. But I know what you're saying.

*hugs Okradlak*

 

[Moony]

When I think my symptoms are at their worst, like yesterday and today, it feels like something really really bad is going to happen. The feeling is in my chest and my head all at once. It's like a dark gloom. Like a presence is following me. It's in my room, in the car - even the supermarket. I just can't shake it. I went as far yesterday to think that if Death (as an entity) had a feeling this would be it.

 

[Heather]

my symptoms are at their worst, it feels like something really really bad is going to happen. The feeling is in my head all at once. It's like a dark gloom. Like a presence is following me. It's in my room, in the car - even the supermarket. I just can't shake it.

Moony - Are you sure we don't share the same brain? I've felt this EXACT same way going on since last Thursday. I wish I would just die.

 

[Moony]

Heather - It's good (if that's the right word) to find someone who knows what I mean. I'm sorry you're feeling this way, I hope things improve for you soon :) I know we feel like this now, but it'll pass.hehe I wouldn't mind swapping my brain right now. Do you find that the feeling goes away by itself or do you do anything to 'force' it to go away?

Regards and Stay strong :)

 

[caliaviator]

-freakofnurture, I'd like to think you mourn the personality, the soul of that person. Like he or she made such an impact on your life that you go pay your respects. I rarely mourn because their constellation of particles went ka-plunk. Your version is much more optimistic than mine. I wish I could believe that a void of nothingness awaits us all, it's much better than an eternity of suffering and pain; which I feel will be my fate. My trauma always had me assume the worst, and to give it credit it was mostly right.

But I'll get on subject. The feeling of death for me is that my very core has a dull pain, my muscles are light and weak, my head is aching, and all this seems like I'm about to buckle under the pressure but the only thing keeping me together is a thin piece of string. I don't believe I'm alive, but I'm not dead; I'm both because I'm here physically walking around but on the inside I feel either like I'm dying or dead. Some moments make me feel good like spending time with my loved ones, but that doesn't happen very often. As a result I feel unloved. No quality time is spent with any of them, and that changes from a dull pain to a huge aching. If something good happens to me It's painful, if something bad happens to me it's expected. This is how I feel when it seems like I'm dying. When I'm dead I feel emotionless, my mind is somewhere else but my body remains. One person that has seen me like this said I looked like I was staring out into nothing, I don't respond when someone calls my name, and I get very silent. The worst part of all this is that I've felt this for so long that it feels like it's a part of me. When something good happens I don't know what to do. When someone compliments me I don't know what to say, Being alive seems so foreign to me..