The Difficulty Of Self Care

[mouthyb]

I've had PTSD for a very long time now (a fun childhood, homelessness, a fun adulthood, in my mid 30s), though I've only sporadically, if ever, sought therapy. I really, REALLY dislike therapists.

So I've probably bought this on myself.

I find self-care to be exhausting. It is difficult for me to honor dentist appointments, or to schedule checkups, and the thought of trying to find a therapist who understands PTSD and does not tell me to try to be more normal or some other shite makes me want to hide under the furniture and deck anyone who tries to get me out from under it.

I don't mean to forget. I keep a calendar, make notes, etc, but it just sort of slips out of my head (for which people in my life tend to yell at me). And when I make myself go in, as I will in 2 hours (dentist apt), I can't sleep the night before. I've been up now for nearly 24 hours, all because I'm making myself go in to the damn dentist, let alone going in for a yearly exam.

Even after I take the meds I have to take to sleep, I still can't relax enough to pass out.

I take all the right meds. I've been tremendously successful in my work and education life despite all the impediments PTSD has given me, but self-care is just.... impossible. My partner commented the other day that I am amazingly successful at work and school, but absolute shite at myself. I suppose I should go find a damn therapist, but I just don't have the energy to go to a million introductory sessions and try to find someone that isn't too new at therapy, understands PTSD, isn't convinced my work life means that I don't have any problems, or doesn't end up telling me about their problems.

And now I'm whining. Sorry.

Is anyone else out there in the same boat? Does anyone else find self-care just sort of slips their mind, or so anxiety laden that they can't sleep when they know they have to do it?

Does anyone else get so tense they tear muscles as they wait for the appointment, but don't feel it until later?

 

[rightkindofme]

I didn't start getting better at self care until I started training for a marathon. I had never been a runner. I had never really done any form of sustained exercise before deciding to train. I spent ten months of seriously training after about two years of learning how to walk two miles. That walk two miles stage was brutal. The running after that to get to 26 miles didn't take as long, which I find hilarious.

I had to Need to have my body function well before I learned how to be nice to it. I have enjoyed this journey.

 

[Pencil]

Is anyone else out there in the same boat? Does anyone else find self-care just sort of slips their mind, or so anxiety laden that they can't sleep when they know they have to do it?

Does anyone else get so tense they tear muscles as they wait for the appointment, but don't feel it until later?

Not quite 'Snap!', but I do relate. If I have a Very Important Appointment the next day, I'll stay up staring at the ceiling the whole night. And I don't know why I do it.

 

[rightkindofme]

If I have an appointment the next day I can't sleep because of anxiety around missing the appointment. But I've missed a lot of appointments. Whoops.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Hey Mouthyb: I just want to say this -you are not whining and please don't apologize :D Whining is this thing where people complain when there's really nothing to complain about. Obviously people here don't do "whining", I think they have a valid reason to feel how they feel!

I don't really have these problems anymore, but I can relate to you saying that you can't sleep because of the anxiety. That has happened to me in the past. I would also just stay awake and then force myself to go somewhere or have a bad time. Or not go, and then feel guilty and still have a bad time! I did go into therapy (for five years, actually!). I don't think a million introductory sessions are necessary at all but I understand the hesitance.

You could probably ask around (anonimously) on the internet to see what other people's experiences about certain therapists have been, or which ones they recommend for PTSD sufferers. I believe on this forum there's even a thread dedicated to that... I don't live in the US so I have no idea, but I'm convinced that there are nice therapists out there, and it's better than having to fight all your battles by yourself and question yourself.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Self care isn't automatic. You've got to work at it until it becomes second nature. I'm still mastering this myself!

The dentist is terrifying to me. I had a horrific experience as a child. (I think at least half of us have!) I went for the first time in 11 years and was thrilled to only have one cavity. Woot! Now I need to follow up with a specialist for my jaw issues, but I'm dragging my feet on that as well.

I can see why you let your self care go. After all you do in your professional life, you probably don't have the time! I think it's important to consciously make it a priority and work at it a little bit each day. It gets easier, I promise ;-)

 

[mouthyb]

I lived through the dentist (but stayed awake for 48 hours as a result).

Thanks for the words of encouragement and solidarity, everyone. It's hard to talk about these things. I probably wouldn't have posted if I hadn't already been up about 24 hours when I started reading the site.

I was training, for awhile, to run a marathon. (I LOVED running. It was so quiet and punishing.) I wonder if my knees will still let me do it? That may turn out to be a good coping mechanism.

 

[warathome]

I have to set an alarm to remind myself to take meds. I dont do so good with eating either. I have to really force myself to remeber to eat twice a day, and i dont usually do that. Sometimes, I feel like I have been taking care of myself for so long, I am just too tired to do it anymore. It feels like alot of work and the only thing i seem to be good at doing is going to my actual job. I have a great therapist but sometimes I even avoid her. It is a struggle, but I know noone else is going to do it. Can we get respite care from ourselves?

 

[rightkindofme]

I didn't learn how to eat properly until I started smoking pot. I didn't understand until then that I don't really have normal "hunger" signals.