Relationship The Hardest Thing I Have Had To Do

[feelingok]

Frankie, glad you have moved on and hope you have started a new and happy life.

I read your posts months ago and thought the content of your posts was almost like what I wanted to share with people here. I wanted to reply but didn't and I have never left a message here until now. Today, I re-read your posts and some new posts and feel a bit overwhelmed. Your "once-in-a-while woman" and the possibility of being "the other women" situations are exactly what I was going through. I had hard time moving on and have been depressed for almost 2 years. I have taken anti-depressants for about one year and am feeling better. I feel I am ready to let go of the past though I still feel emotional after reading your posts. I am not sure why I wanted to write something to you at this moment when you probably don't need to hear this any more, but I do hope people who are in a similar situation will finally know what they will have to do to make themselves happier.

 

[Frankie]

Hi Fresh_P, I am guessing you wrote something because for you it was the time to share your feelings on this thread :) I still come here from time to time...to read how some of you are doing and also to give feedbacks. I don't know how much these feedbacks help others...but for those that went through or are going through what I went through....it is feedbacks to show that we can move on and start feeling better about ourselves and about life in general.

I am still at a good place, still seeing the same man I have mentioned earlier....but it is not love, (at least for me, it isn't)...the feelings I had with "him" are not there.....Friends are asking me if it is because I still think of "him"? ....no, it is not because of that...but it is me....I wish I could love someone the way I did, but it will come, if not with this man...with another...the important thing is that I am moving on and am happy with myself.

PTSD was in my life for so many years, as a supporter I have experienced what most of you are still experiencing...but that was part of my life...I can't and won't forget it... but I can look back with no regrets :) So Fresh_P....keep on writing and sharing your feelings and thoughts...and if you want, you can send me a PM :)

Losingmymind....don't let anyone make you feel guilty for the choices and decisions you have made...you made them for you and for what is best for you.

Molly Anne, I don't know where you are right now with your man, but don't beat yourself, take it one day a the time...and think hard of what you want out of the relationship....the answer will come to you :) You have to also realize, that yes, he might settle down....but it might not be with you....I am being realistic, my exboyfriend "settled" down too...with another woman :)

iluvdesserts...you said it right "You have to look for yourself" you can't let someone pull you down, you will be the worst for it....think of "you" and try to move on...if that is what needs to be done ! The change in our men cannot and shouldn't be all attributed to PTSD, that would be too easy and unfair to think that PTSD is at always at fault with everything they do wrong.

 

[aerolock1969]

Thank you Frankie and all who posted on this thread. I am going through the "decision to leave" phase currently, and it's hard. All of your comments have helped me enormously, because from what I've read, the story is the same to a certain degree. Although my final decision has not been made yet, I have ignored him now for 2 weeks (the longest time period in 3.5 years!) and I told him it was over. It's hard to describe, but as sad as I am, I also feel the most immense sense of calm and relief and I can sleep again for the 1st time in 2 yrs.

I am remembering what I used to enjoy doing in life before I met him and the focus was 100% on him. I didn't realize how far away from my life I had allowed myself to get, and it was scary to not remember myself. Now I am, and it feels GOOD. I'm still sad about the loss, and really wish I had it in me to date someone else, but I feel emotionally exhausted from this experience and don't have much to give. Maybe that will get better over time?

I heard a quote from a TV show the other day that rang so true for me, it said "hope is paralyzing"...in my case (and maybe yours too) I keep holding on to the hope that his mind will recover but it hasn't for 2 yrs since his ptsd was sparked. Prior to that he was sweet and nice, after that he has been in an easy-to-anger mode which after 2 yrs I can't handle.

Thanks again for all the posts. :)

 

[everydayisrosy]

Hi All,

I think in some cases it is PTSD affecting a relationship, but in some cases it isnt, especially when a relationship is at a very beginning stage. How can we tell if it is PTSD effect or it is just the PTSD sufferer is not into us enough?

Do you think sometimes carers use PTSD as an excuses to forgive the unreasonable behavior of sufferers because we are too scared to lose them? Why should a carer forgive a person who is cheating just because he has PTSD? I probably still dont get what PTSD really means, I dont understand if a person likes another person enough and he knows she likes him too, how can he just shut her out for weeks or even months?

Why is it so difficult to tell her that he needs space rather than just disappearing?

Sorry, I am not trying to offend anyone, as I am myself a 'carer' too, I have experienced similiar story in last a few month, I know the pain, that is why I am trying to find the answers to these questions, I just want to be honest with myself and dont want to fool myself.

All advice and comments are welcome.

Thanks

 

[aerolock1969]

Hi Everydayisrosi, I am a carer also.

Your question: "How can we tell if it is PTSD effect or it is just the PTSD sufferer is not into us enough?"
My opinion/answer: I don't think it really matters if it's the ptsd or he's just not into you, because either way you lose as the carer. If he loves you and has ptsd, you will have a difficult time. If he doesn't love you, then it's still hard for you emotionally.

How far into your relationship are you with your sufferer? I'm 3.5 yrs into mine and I was engaged to him for the past 2 yrs. Before I comment on the rest, it will be insightful for me to know how long you've been in your relationship. I think there are phases for the carer to go through, and depending on which stage you are in, you are likely to have your ears open or closed. To a certain extent I think it's something you have to work through in your relationship in order to understand all the things you questioned above.

All the questions you raised are rational questions. Ptsd, however is not a rational disorder.:confused:

Looking forward to chatting more. :tup:

 

[ms spock]

Do you think sometimes carers use PTSD as an excuses to forgive the unreasonable behavior of sufferers because we are too scared to lose them?

Yes I do think sometimes carers use PTSD as an excuse to forgive the unreasonable behaviour of sufferers because carers can be too scared to lose them. I feel for their neediness, loneliness and desperation. I have been there.

I am concerned about the lack of safe sex and contraceptives, generally, when people initiate sexual relationships. I was listening to the newshour the other day and they were talking about a 1000 new HIV virus infections a week in the U.S. There are a whole host of other Sexually Transmitted Infections out there that are worth giving a miss as well. I also think becoming pregnant whilst in the stages of beginning a relationship is not high up there on the self care calendar. I mean how can you know what a person is like and whether you want to be connected to them for the rest of your life one way or the other?

Australia is big on the harm minimisation in regards to safe sex and STIs and contraception. I think it is a strength of our culture.

 

[everydayisrosy]

Thanks for your replies.

I have known him for a year and a half, but we only started dating from last September, the disappearance happened since Jan.

He is a good person, handsome, sporty, caring, intellegent... almost perfect, every time we met (we didnt meet very often though), things were as good as you can imagine from the beginning to the end. It was the disappearances that drove me crazy, I just dont understand it at all.

I think the replationship was done now, not really sure if there was one really. I dont really feel sad, but I do feel lost. I am not generally an emotional, needy person, but I really liked him, I knew he had a lot of things to deal with. I had never blamed him for having cancelled our dates, I have nothing else to complain about, it is only the disappearances that I am struggling to understand.

About 6 weeks ago he texted 'I miss you' I texted back 'I miss you too' then he texted 'Sorry, I shouldnt have said that', then he said he felt bad about our situation and he wanted to talk and meet, then I said 'It would be nice to meet and talk, let me know when you have time' then he disappeared.

I am a very realistic and logical person, that is why I cant make any sense of it.

I hope I can help him and support him, but I just havent got a chance and there is nothing I can do about it, never been in this kind of situation, so helpless...

 

[aerolock1969]

Hello:)

Ms Spock, I totally agree with you about the concern for std's. I have my degree in Biology so I have studied std's intensely and fear them. I have lived my life responsibly. It is actually this very topic that caused me to break it off with my fiance, because although cheating is emotionally traumatizing enough, the first and of utmost importance to me is std's. After he cheated, I drew a hard line in the sand and said I will not get back together or have sex with him until he proves to me he is not talking to any other women and also that he gets tested for stds before sleeping with me again. He won't do either, but of course professes his undying love for me and continually tells me how sorry he is and how bad he feels for hurting me, wishes we can be together, bla bla. But after all the lip service, he won't do actions to actually PROVE to me that he is faithful now. So I have stayed away. I do consider his behavior (and anyone who sleeps around) a high risk person.

everydayisrosy, like you, I'm a very rational/logical person who is not needy or desperate and I have been constantly perplexed by my mates strange & emotionally destructive behavior. I have been scratching my head in confusion for 3.5 years, lol.I have wasted alot of time and energy trying to figure out what drives his strange behavior, which is how I found this forum. As hard as it is to put it out of your mind and just move on, it's the best advice I can give you. You will likely never understand and neither will I, and you might waste alot of time searching for why. The strange behavior will likely continue which will cause your mind to spin for eternity.

My guy would not disappear for long periods of time like others have posted on this forum, but occasionally he would disappear for 7 hours or so and then have no explanation of where he was (we lived together). Going back to the topic of std's, this really puts a damper on trusting someone enough to risk your life by having sex, knowing in the back of your mind that he had just disappeared for several hours and defiant when I asked where he was. Living with suspicion and distrust is horrible, despite how much you love them.

My (ex) fiance is also very good looking, successful, charming...a perfect package on the exterior, but unfortunately this mental ailment called ptsd has destroyed everything good for us. I think if the sufferer is taking daily action to manage his/her ptsd, there is hope for successful relationship but in my case I only see drinking beer to self-medicate and then popping the prescription pills that the VA gave him for ptsd.

I feel so bad for him because it wasn't until 3 solid years of me dealing with his ptsd that I myself started to feel secondary ptsd (what carers get if they live with or in serious relationship with someone with uncontrolled ptsd). I cannot explain in words how horrible the feeling is...extremely high levels of anxiety that cripples you from life 24 hours a day and anger is easily triggered. It wasn't until I felt this that I understood that he lives every single day in this mindset and it's hard to figure out what to do to make oneself feel better when in this state of mind. So I understand his actions in that he is 'scrambling' inside his own head to figure out how to decrease his anxiety. Being a military person, he was taught to ignore his feelings so he does not have the tools to find healthy ways to deal with his feelings and anxiety. All he knows is 'drink beer'.

 

[ms spock]

Hello:)

Ms Spock, I totally agree with you about the concern for std's. I have my degree in Biology so I have studied std's intensely and fear them. I have lived my life responsibly. It is actually this very topic that caused me to break it off with my fiance, because although cheating is emotionally traumatizing enough, the first and of utmost importance to me is std's. After he cheated, I drew a hard line in the sand and said I will not get back together or have sex with him until he proves to me he is not talking to any other women and also that he gets tested for stds before sleeping with me again. He won't do either, but of course professes his undying love for me and continually tells me how sorry he is and how bad he feels for hurting me, wishes we can be together, bla bla. But after all the lip service, he won't do actions to actually PROVE to me that he is faithful now. So I have stayed away. I do consider his behavior (and anyone who sleeps around) a high risk person.

I think that it is important to protect ourselves from high risk people, who chose not to work on their issues, the problem for me is that, my parents were both high risk people.

Having hope that someone you just met will change - is not a reasonable expectation. If they were in the process of changing or near changing then they wouldn't be doing what they are at this time. I had such unrealistic expectations with my family and partners as well.

That is a wise but tough decision in regards to you fiance. If they won't walk the walk then the talk is meaningless, though seductive at times.

 

[BigBear]

Aerolock,

I'd have to add: If they don't care enough to get tested, then they literally don't care at all. WHy would anyone even consider having a relationship with someone like that. The people who understand what he's doing and keep it up deserve him. The one who don't understand deserve our pity!

Bear

 

[aerolock1969]

Ms Spock & Bear,
Thank you for your replies. I agree 100%. I told my fiance 2.5 years ago when we got engaged that I can deal with all of his ptsd issues but that I cannot deal with cheating, ever, he said ok. I trusted in his WORD. Here we are 2.5 years later and I found out that he cheated a few months ago. So much for his word. Yes we were having major problems at the time but that is no excuse to cheat, and if this is what I can expect everytime we go through a rough patch then I don't want it. I guess he didn't take me seriously when I said I will LEAVE if he cheats? lol.

 

[ms spock]

The people who understand what he's doing and keep it up deserve him.

It is fair enough to question why any one would want to have a relationship with some one like that. Often, it seems to me that they have unresolved family of origin issues.

Some people might be disassociated - they kind of understand what is going on but can't act to protect themselves which some PTSD survivors do do or some trauma victims do do as well. I don't think people deserve people like that.

Gently questioning them or providing alternative ways of thinking about how you get in to a relationship and how you get out of one might be helpful.