Relationship The Hardest Thing I Have Had To Do

[Nicolette]

Good on you Frankie for having the strength and courage to put yourself first with your head rather than being lead by your heart. Sometimes you have to use both and you are right - sometimes the cost of love is destruction to your own well being.

I am sorry for all you have been through, hope you can take away the good things with you, put the hurt behind you. Please know that I for one are proud of you for stopping the pattern which was detrimental to you. You do come first. :tup:

 

[ISupportHer]

A short response from me Frankie,

((((((((HUG))))))))

ISH

 

[Frankie]

Maddog, thank-you for your kind words...they touched me :) You never know what life will bring you...you might someday have a partner :)

 

[sunshiney]

..I think he truly believes that I would be there for him, whenever he chose to contact me. But the game is over...I won't play anymore. :)

Wow, definitely read your thread and it made me cry. Your words were kind of like a pep talk to myself, words I needed to tell myself. Thank you!

 

[sunshiney]

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results" - [DLMURL="http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/a/albert_einstein.html"]Albert Einstein[/DLMURL]

 

[Frankie]

Here I am again, giving an update, my journey continues....but with a different outcome. I am writing still on this thread, so those that are in a similar situation can see and understand the journey.

My ex continues to contact me, he is still with his woman and still would like to see me. I told him no, I won't see him, too much love has passed between us and too much hurt and there are other people involved.

We talked a lot and for the first time since he left I am getting answers to why he left. I always thought my apartment was something he couldn't live in and he was triggered by something that happened in my apartment, so I knew that was one of the reasons....and he confirmed it but he also told me so much more. He is taking the blame for the end of our relationship, he says that he was lost, confused and he had to escape....escape and start over somewhere else where noone knew him, which he did.

He says I am not the one he escaped from, but more from "life" in general, as he knew it here. He says he was very happy with me...but was not happy with himself and the situation we were in. He can't forget me or what we had, which he says was special, this is why he continues to contact me. He is happy now, but still thinks of me, I think it is more that he remembers how it was and when he is lonely or feels down, he contacts me. I have come to understand and accept it.

Now, for the good outcome, two months ago I met this wonderful, dear man with a great sense of humour :) I am seeing a lot of him and we are getting to know each other and we are having a great time...I have to admit, at the beginning I was confused....my exboyfriend contacting me, made me think of him again and all the pain and joy of knowing him came back....but I chose to give this new man and me a chance at having a good and healthy relationship...and so far so good ! I can laugh again and I am happy :) I am not in love....yet :) but only time will tell, for now I am enjoying my time with him.

I did tell my exboyfriend about him and he is happy for me....this is another reason why I won't see him...it wouldn't be fair and right to any of us involved, him, me his girlfriend and now...my new man....and nothing good would come out of it...just hurt for all involved. I only want him to be happy....and he seems happy with his woman, he has a good life now and that is all I want for him...to be happy and safe.

I have come to the realization that once they leave triggered the way my exboyfriend did....there is no turning back...they won't come back....they have to find something else so they can forget all that went wrong. so again, I will say it...if you gave it your all, if your loved one still doesn't understand all you are doing for them...then move on, don't feel guilty...you deserve to be happy....and you can again :)

I will never forget my ex, nor the relationship we had, it was special, he is part of my journey in life and he was a very important part of it...how can one forget ? You don't...you move on and learn to be happy again. Like I told him, he is in a small pocket of my heart and there he will stay....we have many pockets in there....lots of love, lost and found.

 

[Sandra]

The hardest thing I did recently was sent my brother a letter confronting him with his abuse that he gave me over so many years. I told him if he wanted me back in his life there was to be no more abuse and he apologizes to me. Well he was in such denial as far as he was concerned I was the one with the problems. So I guess he doesn't want me back in his life anymore and that's fine with me cause I know I will not tolerate his BS anymore. And he showed that he isn't going to change.

 

[amethist]

Oh wow Frankie, good for you on all counts.

Good to hear you are happy with your own life now, and that ex is also happy with the way his life has moved on too.

Frankie's story has a message for us all. If your life is making you un happy in what ever way with being a supporter of someone with PTSD, then moving on does not always have a bad ending. Both Frankie and her ex have found someone new to share their lives with. Moving on and remembering the good times they both shared.

Amethist

 

[ms spock]

...then he has contacted me every 2-3 months.... I took him back into my life thinking that this was the right time, the time he wouldn't leave again, shutting me off in complete silence till the next 2 months or so! It became a pattern for him...and I enabled him to continue.

I finally broke the pattern, I finally did what was the hardest thing I ever had to do....I wrote him to not contact me anymore....was a very long email, again, a somewhat a closure for me. Lots of soul searching on my part.

I know he is not in therapy anymore, and is off his meds...and till he doesn't go back in therapy, he will not have the tools to heal. I did everything I could but it is up to him to want to heal.

What I want to come across in this thread is that no matter how much we love our sufferer....no matter how much we want them to get better.....it is ultimately up to them.

I know in a relationship there are many ups and downs...but when there are only downs...and when "we" are the only ones making the efforts...then it is time to move on. No matter how frustrated we are, no matter how great it was, no matter how much we say we love them.....no matter how much we say they are wonderful, caring, loving people. If they no longer are that....then we can't stay for the memories...

We have to be honest with ourselves and say "what do we love about this person ?" is it the person they were ? ...then it is time to move on...cause we can't love what was....

p.s. I have learned so much in reading all your posts...from carers and sufferers alike...I truly feel humbled and very small, thank-you for showing me your journeys.

Wow Frankie!

What a loving, compassionate, clear and wise post..

Thankyou

ms spock

 

[ms spock]

I felt like I was right there with you when I was reading it - like we were in the same room. You expressed so honestly how you feel - I admire that.

Me too! I was there in the room too!

 

[Molly Anne]

I was just thinking of this thread and Frankie the other day. Still not sure I'll ever be that strong... and still not to the point you are where you're able to move on and keep him at arm's length. He's been contacting me, which is what I wanted, but I found it's hard b/c he's still dating the other woman, too. However, he's not completely content with her. When we did talk he had a lot of complaints about the situation. I don't see their relationship lasting very long, nor does anyone else who sees it.

I told him again, even if he's not with me, he can do better than her. So, I guess there is a small part of me that knows there's a big chance we won't get back together and someday I may have to be happy for him with someone else. I don't know that he'd ever be happy for me with someone else, though. When I told him I had another date for the ball, he cried. We also said with certainty that we can see ourselves together in the future, just not now. I honestly hope that's how it plays out... even though it's hard now.

I guess I also feel maybe my situation is different because he isn't really triggered by things I say or do... he's just in "escape mode" as you described it. I think once he's able to handle the things going on in his life, he'll come around. I sure hope so. I have been through break-ups in my life where I realized I needed to move on... but somehow (call it God or call it intuition) something is speaking to me telling me to have patience with him.

Anyway... I sure do pray for strength like that of Frankie on a regular basis. I hope that if things don't work out the way my sufferer and I hope for, that I'll be able to be that strong someday. :)

 

[Frankie]

We are stronger then we think or believe Molly....it definitely is not easy to choose the path I did...but for me it was the best one, at that moment in my life...strength comes with understanding and acceptance.

After my exboyfriend left, he was in a confused state and only a few months after got involved with a woman that was totally wrong for him (as he says) and he was miserable, but he stayed with her...even though he would contact me and say he loved me.... He was with her for a few months, we even tried getting back together, but he left again and went back to her, even though he was miserable with her. So what truly goes on in their minds ? What makes them do things that we would find illogical ? We can't answer that !! As I once said "Their normal is not our normal"

He is now with a woman that makes him happy and understands him. I am not saying I didn't love him or understand him...cause I did...It only means that he has changed and moved on and he is in a better place now in his mind.