Relationship The Hardest Thing I Have Had To Do

[Frankie]

I came on this forum in November 2007, a very happy time in my life, I had just met a wonderful man who has PTSD (from being in Rwanda in the 1994 genecide, as part of the UN troups) and like so many, I didn't know what PTSD was and in my case had never heard about it.

He told me about his PTSD a couple of weeks after knowing him and in my ignorance it was "oh ptsd? ok...some stress, and some space, ok...I can handle that". Reminds me of the time my mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's...my thoughts were "ok, she can't remember stuff" I can handle that.....Rude awakening....if you have never lived through PTSD and Alzheimer's there is nothing that can prepare you for the true extent.

I came here to learn about the disorder and for suggestions and guidance on how better cope and help him along the way. Education 101, for sure :)

In time I fell in love and my quest in helping him cope was a major focus. I was everything he needed me to be and I tried to make life easier for him. This, I did willingly out of love for him.

No huge sacrifice, just minor adjustments to my life to "accomodate" his PTSD. And to be honest, it wasn't too much to ask for...since his PTSD was never an issue with us. He controlled and managed it very well...he went to therapy every week...took his meds and we were very happy.

We talked a lot and we expressed our needs and wants. He knew what I was able to tolerate and tried his best to make it work. He trusted me completely...and told me so much of what he went through, his feelings, emotions..etc...something he had only shared with his therapist.

Everything was great for 2 years, till he got badly triggered by something that happened in my appartment with my exhusband.

This happened 15 months ago....and since then he has contacted me every 2-3 months.....always saying the same things "I love you, I miss you, I am not happy, I am depressed...etc..." and every time, I took him back into my life thinking that this was the right time, the time he wouldn't leave again, shutting me off in complete silence till the next 2 months or so ! It became a pattern for him...and I enabled him to continue.

Okkk...:doh:...sorry if this is going to be long....but it is somewhat of a closure for me...I have to do this :smile:

The last time he contacted me...I truly believed...or maybe wanted to believe so much....that it would work...since we communicated by phone, text and messenger for almost 1 whole month ! it was great, almost like the man I knew before he left.... we ended up spending the weekend together (not at my appartment) and then the silence came again. It has been 1 month now.......and I am truly coming to believe that seeing me and spending time with me is something he can't deal with. There is a block somewhere.

As much as he says he loves me...I know he can't be with me. Or is it love ? maybe it is reaching out to a woman that will always be there for him ? who knows !

I finally broke the pattern, I finally did what was the hardest thing I ever had to do....I wrote him to not contact me anymore....was a very long email, again, a somewhat a closure for me. Lots of soulsearching on my part. But what I wanted him to understand was that I couldn't be his "once in a while, when he felt like it" woman. I need more then that, I need and want a relationship where I know where I stand.

After he left, I still gave him 15 months....I hoped with my understanding and support that he would come back and stay...but he didn't. I know he is not in therapy anymore, and is off his meds...and till he doesn't go back in therapy, he will not have the tools to heal. I did everything I could but it is up to him to want to heal.

What I want to come across in this thread is that no matter how much we love our sufferer....no matter how much we want them to get better.....it is ultimately up to them.

I know in a relationship there are many ups and downs...but when there are only downs...and when "we" are the only ones making the efforts...then it is time to move on. No matter how frustrated we are, no matter how great it was, no matter how much we say we love them.....no matter how much we say they are wonderful, caring, loving people. If they no longer are that....then we can't stay for the memories...

A relationship is a give and take...a commitment on both parts. A want to be the "best you can be" for the other.

Love is never enough...it takes much more then that....and as a close friend here has told me "he might love you..but he has to back it". It is not enough to say "I love you".

We have to be honest with ourselves and say "what do we love about this person ?" is it the person they were ? If the answer to that is the person they were....then it is time to move on...cause we can't love what was....

Love should nurture and compliment who we are...love should fulfill us.

There comes a time when we have to reevaluate and say "I can't anymore, I gave it my all" for me it came 15 months later......Sure it hurts...but it hurts more being in an unhealthy relationship.

I truly believe that the right time to move on is different for everyone...and no matter what someone will say...ultimately it comes down to what we feel in our hearts to be the right time.

p.s. I have learned so much in reading all your posts...from carers and sufferers alike. I have a huge respect for both. Some have gone through so much and still are funny, caring, loving people with little or noresentment. I truly feel humbled and very small, thank-you for showing me your journeys.

Frankie

 

[helena]

Hi Frankie,

Your post moved me and I think you have shown great courage and strength in taking this decision.

I wish you well and urge you to focus on your own future and happiness. You have been of immense support to him you but have realised that you can't actually do any more for him. That rest has to come from him.

I totally understand and support your position.

 

[tryintobreathe]

Frankie,

That had to have been so hard for you. But, you can't live your life in limbo like that. I'm really sorry that things didn't work out for the two of you. Good luck in your future and be good to yourself.

Jen

 

[bonnecanyon]

Hi Frankie

Thank you for your post. I felt like I was right there with you when I was reading it - like we were in the same room. You expressed so honestly how you feel - I admire that.

What you said sounds very healthy to me - you are moving forward and understand where you've been. You gave it your all - and IMHO - gave it plenty of time (15 mos).

Take care of yourself
BC

 

[Frankie]

Thank-you both of you....I am now focusing on my future....I also want to add that I wouldn't have been able to get this far without the support from this forum...I have grown a lot and don't regret any of it.

Most importantly, I want to thank the great friends I have made here, I have come to know them on a more personal level and without their support it would have been much harder.

Thank-you guys :)

 

[Nicolette]

You have done really well Frankie and should be proud. :Hug_emoticon:

 

[CCurry]

Wow Frankie, I'm incredibly humbled by your vulnerability and honesty! It took a lot of guts to follow through and you getting it all out is an essential part of taking care of yourself.

Sometimes its a lot easier to let the other person take responsibility for ending the relationship and therefore take the passive approach. Endings are never easy and to say what you needed to say, when you needed to say it, and in such honesty is gut-wrenching but was painfully necessary.

Even though you are in extreme pain today, value this moment as a learning tool. The pain will stop but remembering to feel your feelings instead of minimizing them will be how you'll start to move forward into a better future.

I'm VERY proud of you!!

Carmela:Hug_emoticon:

 

[ISupportHer]

I have been thinking of what all I want to say to you since I read your post eatlier today.

First, thank you so much for showing us the courage to share so much with us here. I feel that every time someone can express themselves in such a personal way, others are helped here. Some will respond, thank you and you will know it. So many other visitors will read your post and gain strength, identify with you and benefit without you even being aware you have helped them.

Thank you

I also know how very difficult this has been for you and the pain you feel. There are so many here that support you and hope for the best for you. Some on a more private level but also hose you may have only passing contact with.

I am proud of you for posting!

:Hug_emoticon:

ISH

 

[Frankie]

Thank-you everyone, it is so much appreciated, the support we all get here is something that is very hard to find.

It has been a long journey for sure....A journey that I don't regret...cause I was truly loved by a wonderful man and what we had was very special. I wish that it didn't have to end this way...but it has...now i move on :)

Life is strange, funny wonderful and unpredictable....it is up to us to open up to it and take all it has to offer :)

I have already said this quote here: "Do not cry for what you lost but smile for what you had".......it is time that I apply it :)

Frankie

 

[georgie1668]

Hi Frankie

Thank you so much for posting your heartfelt emotions in a postive frame. It has really made me think about my own 'relationship' with my dear man who has chronic PTSD. As much as I have said elsewhere about wanting to continue on the road with him, it is really getting too hard. Like you, I feel I am only there for when he can manage it, which is very little lately. I have only seen him once since late September. He had been very ill and was in hospital but I accepted that as hard as it was not to see him for six weeks. Then I saw him once - we had a lovely night and nothing since apart from very sporadic texts none of which ask how I am.

I am kidding myself I think if I think that something is going to change - he says that his medication is not suiting him and he has changed again - and is waiting for it to work. But that does not excuse shutting me out for so long - he said he was not shutting me out - denial I guess. What else is no contact or replies to even the most bland of texts?

Anyway, this rollercoaster is making me very anxious and I don't need it - I tend to fluctuate in my moods and feel okay one day not so okay the next - depending on what happens - but here I am hanging on the telephone waiting for a text only for it to be one saying he can't meet, or whatever. Well, I am tired of it - he needs therapy - and I guess that wouldn't work for a while either - I feel that my feelings are all there is and that he really can't, won't or is unable to have feelings for me. But in the end I have to look after myself - and after a lot of emotional investment in this I need to start looking at the reality of the situation. Like you, I feel that we could have a lovely relationship - we never had one like you and your partner - so I don't have that to miss - but the man I saw when he was open to me is beautiful and it makes me so sad - because I feel we are so well suited. I often wonder if the PTSD is affecting everything or are there some aspects of his personality I just don't know about.

I have set boundaries but obviously if there is no opportunity to talk to him, I can't carry them out particularly. I am frustrated cos i have so much to say and want to say it in person. I think he cares about me deep down but is too unwell. I have asked him to be honest with me but I think he continues to be dishonest - I am so very sad.....gotta stop here .

Thanks for reading. Any comments welcome - this is more like a frustrated vent. As I can't talk to him, I could email him - but scared that then it will be over - not that it really exists anyhow.

Take care.

 

[Fantabulous]

It has been a long journey for sure....A journey that I don't regret...cause I was truly loved by a wonderful man and what we had was very special. I wish that it didn't have to end this way...but it has...now i move on :)

As painful as it is to move on, I think this statement is the one to focus on. No doubt you have some wonderful memories and you have grown as a person throughout everything. I know you've given me a lot to think about, so thank you for helping me learn and grow as a person as well.

Best of luck to you!
Fantabulous

 

[cragger65]

I can see your point, and know just from the few times we've spoken that you would have given this man your whole and complete best. You're a very healthy person Frankie, and your influence on the board has been lightening and uplifting. I hope you'll drop by once in a while still to say "Hi".

Take care,
Dave