The "if" Factor

[safenow]

Did you ever notice that when we look back, we always think, IF I had only... If I hadn't...

Today I've doing an IF thing, and I remember that a very wise man once told me, "Don't Look Back!" For a few years I was able to do that, and I was really happy. I was doing what I wanted to do and what I ended up loving to do. I have no regrets about that time frame.

Today I was remembering some things that brought me to where I am today, and it reminded me of what he said. I want to add to what he said, and put this on that, "Only look back when you are on 100% safe ground."

I learned that when you look back, especially if you have PTSD, the horrors of it all might stunt your progress. That is why we have therapists to help us look back from a safe place.

It is my wish and prayer that we might all come to that 100% safe ground and look back in safety, to say "I did the best I could under the circumstances." Forgive ourselves and do what we must do to release any guilt or shame we might be carrying.

My dear neighbor upstairs made this for me a couple of years ago. I have it hanging in my hallway so every day I see it, and smile. I share it with you for that same purpose.



safeway

 

[saffy]

Yes I am full of ifs and maybes. :)

In hindsight, I would not be who I am. If I did not meet that person, if I did not say this, if I did not do that, If I stopped this or started that, if I was not born, if I did not have these parents blah blah blah.

What I suppose I mean is that I try to remember that there are no guarantees with the ifs either. If I did this would it have changed anything, would it have led me to a different path, and what would that path be better or worse.

I like your saying about looking back on safe ground. That makes total sense.

If I do look back it is to teach myself to go forward in a better and more positive way. Not to repeat the ifs, if that makes sense ;)

You have a thoughtful neighbour. :)

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[The Albatross]

I flat out do not afford myself the luxury of "what if thinking". It serves no good purpose for me and has no bearing on my present except woeful, melancholy, or angry feelings. I stick almost rigidly to "what is" today, right now, and deal as best as I can with that.

 

[safenow]

I stick almost rigidly to "what is" today, right now, and deal as best as I can with that.

I'm glad you are strong enough to do that. I hope you will always be able to do so. I wasn't always strong enough.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I had emdr and it serves no purpose to look back now because I see my past with new eyes. I cannot wait until I can do more emdr.

 

[safenow]

If I may ask, what exactly is this EMDR everyone is talking about?

Just so you all know. The only time I look back now, is when I've been triggered or end up in a flashback, or my past jumps into my face. Rather than saying always, I should have worded it IF we look back.

Sorry my human hasn't matured yet.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear safenow, sounds to me you certainly are mature. And wise. :)

Thank you for your thread, wow- that is huge. Huge to me, what you said. So true. I don't have time to respond right now but will try later. Thanks so much, it makes me consider things in a different way. Makes me think a lot, actually. What your T said is so huge, he/ she was very very right. (Well, I can relate, totally.)

Hugs if you accept them, :hug: .

 

[safenow]

Thank you, Junebug. I needed that reassurance I helped just now. And yes, I do accept cyber hugs from good humans. Thank you.

 

[quaintpapercut]

So true Safenow! Thanks for the reminder as I'm prone to be to internalized lately. Ruminating on past events and trying to make sense of things. I like your reminder picture as well :)

:hug:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Safenow, emdr is a rapid eye movement desensitization. It goes into the painful memories and brings it into the present where the whole truth about the memory comes up and it takes the sting out of the memory.

I was haunted by memories and I am no longer haunted by these same memories. I hope this answers your question.

 

[safenow]

I hope this answers your question.

It does. Thank you very much. I wish they had that when I was growing up. It probably would have helped send my family to prison. LOL. But at least I would have been safe earlier on. Maybe. Who knows.

 

[intothelight]

It seems the "what if" thoughts come up when I am dealing with guilt, shame, resentment, anger, etc. So instead of dealing with "what if", I have to deal with "what was" and accept the fact it is done. If there is something I can learn from the past and apply to the present or future, I'll chalk it up to a life lesson. But to dwell is counterproductive, so I'll keep away from what was and focus on what is.