The joy of self discovery / is therapy always helpfull?

[Sterre]

O, the wonderful joys of self discovery....sigh

Last year my therapy sessions where somewhat upgraded to bring me more insights in myself.
I can truly say I learned very much about myself, and gained a lot of insights.

I learned that I have much difficulty in social interactions with people. A lot of triggers are in that area.
I learned that I create distance, and follow a pattern of rejection between me and other people.
Ouch.

I also learned that I can not handle authority very well. This means that it's very hard for me to maintain a job without getting defensif towards my managers or boss. A lot of triggers there also.
Somebody having power over me, imaginary or real, is creating huge fear/anxiety/hypervigilance and a powerstruggle, wich in a work enviroment I will always lose, and thus get fired with a conflict and a lot of misunderstanding.

Besides that I learned that I am realy bad in romantic relationships. I follow patterns that pushes the other away, or makes them abusive towards me. I cannot maintain a stable romantic relationship.I follow a pattern where in the end I will be the one that gets abbandont.

I know now that once confronted with abbandonment or another failure, I get depressed or even suicidal.
So my copingmechanism is to avoid these situations, because I cannot seem to get a grip on the patterns I follow.
The patterns, although I am aware of them are to complicated and to overwhelming to keep track of them and to remain focussed on changing them. When I try to stay out of one pattern I step into another.Every corner I turn, there seems to be another destructive and painfull pattern waiting.
I step from one pattern in the other, and they all feel destructive to me.

You might notice that although I gained a lot of insights about myself, they are without exception negative and painfull insights about myself.

If I hated myself before I got in therapy, I can honestly say, I hate myself more now than before.

I feel my world is falling apart. I try to proces all the insights but they make me feel hopeless and chaotic,it is to much. It feels like there is danger everywhere, only not outside of me, but inside of myself. I don trust myself anymore.
I dont know where to start anymore by changing a pattern or reacting differently on a specific trigger.

For now it means that I am stuck. I am to affraid these days to get involved in social interaction, because I know I will mess things up, and beat myself up over it.
I beat myself up for isolating at the same time. No matter where I turn there seems no way out of pain and despair.

What I miss is that while all this tearing down was going on in therapy, there was no simultanious building up of positive insights.
How is that possible?

Now I feel stuck at looking at al these flaws and hurtcreating/destructive patterns, and I dont know wich way to go anymore. I dont feel there is anything good or healty left of me.
My selfesteem is at its lowest, I feel vulnerable, I feel like a failure, I feel as if I am crazy as hell.

I expected to feel better about myself after so many years of therapy. I hoped for somekind of healing and warm stable ground to stand on.
But now it just seems to backfire at me.
I dont feel better about myself, I feel worse about myself after six years of therapy, and my situation seems more impossible to break trough by the day.
I dont know what to do with these insights I gained, I dont know how to change these patterns, I honestly dont have a clue anymore.

How do you handle all these insights? How do you maintain confident and hopefull by looking at them.
Where do you begin to make a change, and is a change really possible?

Is therapy always healing? Is gaining insights always helpfull? Or is it doing more damage that good?

 

[James B.]

Hello sterre,

I think these phases are inevitable. I think the length and severity of these phases may have something to do with age, and (overall) seriousness of trauma. I read you post sterre, and wanted to say how remarkably your post reflected my current feelings, really close.

 

[James B.]

For me, sterre, the day to day life I used to lead, was filled with daily pain. :cry:

And so each day, each phase of my life seems like a layer. I know it gets better, and it has. For me, tapping has really helped. It has answered some of the questions you asked in your post. It's simple, works.

Have also become aware of a greater sensitivity to sugar, and it's relationship to my moods, and depressive phases. Alcohol, too, but we know that. Refined carbs like that, seems they mess w/ me in a subtle and kinda pervasive way.

Aside from that, I am going through a phase. Of course, my doc said emotions do come up, with the deep kind of work he's doing right now. OK, no problem. Plus I am looking at all kinds of old material (photos, drawings) from 30 years ago, and it's really stimulating the memories, again.

But, am finding emotions this time...:tup:

It's just that I have many layers to process...in therapy forever? Well, a while back I simply made recovery my lifestyle, and keep it foremost in my sights. Base my needs on it. Easier for me, being alone. And then, just try to keep busy w/ relevant efforts.

Hope you feel better, sterre. Thanks for starting this thread. :)

 

[SimplyComplex]

Have you been with the same therapist all along? I can say I had some low moments, but the most important thing I have learned at every step is self compassion. And that has been because my t really helps me see that I might struggle but that it is part of the injury I suffered by the people who hurt me. Once I accept the problem, and give myself compassion, then I have the power to make real changes in that area. I wonder if your t is missing helping you see that? Or if you are not willing to give yourself that?

I honestly believe self-compassion is the most important ingredient to c-PTSD healing and has been always part of every step. I see lots of acceptance (also important) in your insights. But perhaps you are missing the other side of that coin, self acceptance?

Do you think you are resisting that? Do you think your t is helping you explore that? And have you talked to t about feeling worse?

 

[Sterre]

Simplycomplex, thats is indeed what is missing. You are straight on!

I struggle with self-compasson a lot.That is why the insight I've collected start to work against me. I automatically become caught up on the pattern of selfblame and selfhatred.

I believe it is my twisted way to avoid sadness, and to avoid matters that lie beneath the surface of these insights.

My T tries very hard to learn me that I have to be more compassionate towards myself. Instead of it, my inner nazi ( self critic) has become more fierce and recklessly destrys every seed of selfcompasson.

They are connected to oneanother. When I practice self compassion, my inner nazi is standing up immediatly to shout that I am a stupid woman that can never archieve something, no matter how hard I will try, and that selfcompassion is for the weak.

You are so dead on!!!!!!!!

I realise now that the function of my inner critic is to avoid the trauma that lies beneath.

My T tries to help me with it, but my reaction is so automatic and feel so out of my control that I often dont even notice that I am blaming myself again, instead of being compassionate.

At this moment I am caught up in selfblame and hatred, only this time I realize that the function of this pattern is to avoid, avoid, avoid.
Avoiding the real pain, avoiding reality, avoid the trauma's.

Thank you Simplycomplex for pointing that out to me!:tup:
It is very valueable to realize that thisis what I am diong to avoid the real issues.
I just get mad at myself, and beat myself up, in that way I dont have to look at, or feel the pain that is lying beneath it.

 

[James B.]

Sounds like some effective self discovery, sterre. My sincere compliments seeing this stuff, and writing it out.

 

[Sterre]

Thank you so much James, your compliment means a lot to me!

 

[SimplyComplex]

I had a hard time with it. It really is ... painful and unnatural for me to have practiced self compassion. A few things helped me make the breakthrough

1) Deciding to give myself compassion. Fake it until you make it :) It was the best I could do.

2) Framing a picture of myself around the time I had alot of the traumas and putting it where I could see it, among my children's pictures
*at first I hated seeing the picture. I thought I was fat and ugly and worthless. But as the time went on, I started seeing myself as a lovable, innocent child...a *child* like my own kids.

3) Writing out a list of those inner critic's sayings.
*after page 3, I realized the voice wasn't even mine. It was my mom's words. It got easier to reject them

4) Visualizing a stop sign when the thoughts came up. I didnt need to fight or counter them, just stop them

Its still a struggle in a lot of ways. But I know I heal quite a bit when I am able to have compassion for myself at the time of the trauma. I don't have to have been perfect, I dont have to have been without fault. I just have to have compassion for the struggle and that I was doing the best I could in the situation.

 

[Sterre]

Good tips Simplycomplex, I tend to forget how to manage my inner critic and stay focussed on self compassion.

I think the picture suggestion and the writing of the inner critics dialogue could really help and be a reminder to stay focussed.

And the best tip so far, is the fake it till you make it part, I know there will be moments that I want believe anything I am telling myself, so faking ( persisting) sounds like a good option.

I am going to give it a try.
Thanks!

 

[BloomInWinter]

(((((sterre)))))

These are all difficult things to face....but you are doing the difficult thing!

They will be balanced, eventually, with your discoveries of your strengths and actions you took that you can now be proud of.

I suspect you have many, many things to be proud of outside the forum. Because your courage, compassion, and bravery in the forum is truly amazing.

 

[Sterre]

:x3: Now you make me blush Bloominwinter!
I am going to keep these compliments and save them in a little imaginairy bag, I am going to look into this little bag full of gems tonight in my bed where no one can see me glow of pride.

Thank you so much all!