Sexual Assault The "last Straw"? Rape Has Totally Destroyed Me Even After Lifetime Of Sexual Abuse

[Trinket]

In two weeks, it will be the one year anniversary of a date rape. It has affected me to the point of being almost not able to function. I do not want to leave the house, I have no more friends, I have severe anxiety at social gatherings and can barely speak/don't know what to say. It takes all my energy just to do the grocery shopping, cooking, and laundry for the week. I have been worried about losing my son to his father due to how I feel, and part of me wants him to go live with him because I think it would be better for him. Work is getting the better of me; I literally cannot make a decision to save my life and coworkers/bosses are getting frustrated with my job performance. When home, I just want to watch Netflix or sleep.

The thing is, prior to this event, I was not okay per se, but I was able to function. I was sexually abused as a child by my father and neglected by both parents. I left home at 16 and had what I thought was by "boyfriend" (he was much older and soon had me sleeping with others who paid him-so I had some unfavorable sexual experiences there.) Then when I was 19 I was at a party and was drugged and raped by a friend of a friend. I feel like I put this incident in the back of my mind and never thought about it-same with my dad-which I purposely try to avoid. The only thing I ever thought of was the brief time I was "trafficked", which actually brings me a lot of shame.

Until a year ago...and I was raped. Do you know why someone with my history of trauma would be so affected by this? Maybe because I was an adult this time? I know it probably doesn't even matter. It was wrong, and I was affected. I just feel so stuck, like I am in quicksand, and I really don't know how get out!

 

[Friday]

When I'm walking around like a pile of tinder? Any spark is enough to light the whole thing off.

***

I'd already had one major tailspin. Long story short, pulled out of it, rebuilt my life and was good, really good, for about 10 years. During those 10 years? A few car accidents, a few rapes, a few assaults, and nothing touched me. Then one day? BAM! I couldn't protect someone I loved & the whole damn mess came exploding out, all over again. Well f*ck. Why then, and why not the others? IDK. Why do some sparks catch and some not? ((Wet tinder, not enough air, etc. // I had badass coping mechanisms in place for the others, I wasn't hit by the exact right/wrong series of things before, etc.))

I wasted a couple of years trying to hold shit together, instead of going after the root cause (aka trauma) which was -understandable- but stupid on my part. If things are starting to go bad now? Don't be me & put it off, just because you've handled everything else, so dammit this one can just get in line. You've already realized its not getting into line. Jump into trauma therapy, coping skills, stress management, etc. with both feet.

 

[VikVikViktorious]

Wow that is quite a lot that you have been through. I'm so sorry to hear it. What's going on in my opinion is the recent rape triggered all of the past traumas that you have been suppressing. You were able to get by for a bit, but now it is just flooding out.

I know that feel, to some extent, and it sucks. It feels endless. My question to you: are you seeing a T? Have you tried any meds? I want to let you know that you are having some severe symptoms but they are not only treatable but curable in my opinion.

It could take months if not years of therapy and finding the right meds. Def will cost allt of $ and time- but I strongly encourage you to seek profesh help if you haven't already. All that aside- you came to the right place and you will find support here.

 

[trying2movefwd]

@Ally01

I can't answer the why question, but it was the same way with me. I was sexually abused for years as a child and repressed/suppressed it. Then was raped by my x while recovering from an abdominal surgery. PTSD was triggered and everything came seeping out. I have never been the same since. I'm sorry you are going through this. Im glad you are reaching out here though. I hope if not already that u seek out some type of trauma therapy. It is helpful.

 

[EveHarrington]

Trauma builds upon trauma. I think you're assuming that it all gets packed away into separate compartments but this isn't true. You're not reacting worse now because the latest thing happened as an adult. You're reacting worse now because you've had trauma after trauma after trauma compounding over time. You can't just work through the latest incident in order to heal. You've gotta work on processing it all. :hug:

 

[Trinket]

Thank you all for your kind words and thoughts. I really appreciate it. This puts things more in perspective for me. I am in trauma therapy, but I'm coming to the realization that I have more trauma that I need to work on than just this event that triggered all my symptoms. That is really scary and makes me a little sad I guess.