The More People, The Lonlier I Feel

[Airmail]

Hey guys just got to uni. Am really enjoying it as I have great housemates and I love my course (science foundation, I aim to go on to do Orthontistry or become an reconstructive surgeon oneday).

I just went out to a Uni DJ night and about half way through the night just had an attack of complete and utter loneliness despite being surrounded by people. I think It might have had something to do with the fact that a huge proportion of the people were these fake private school types, you know....the women have backcombed hair, dyed blonde etc. Just so many people about content in their percieved awesomeness that were quite happy to trample on other people. I kind of feel out of place with these types although I often get mistaken for one (somehow I look like an ex private schoolboy). I had braces for 5 years which widened my jaw and treated an 11mm overbite, I think this is why I felt out of place. These people never knew what It was like to be an underdog. Anyone know how I should deal with this? Don't want to talk about it to my housemates as I'll soon start missing everyone and If I talk to a doc It'll be on my permanent record and I don't want that.

 

[shiraz]

I know the feeling well and I happen to be at uni too at the moment. I’m glad that you are enjoying the course and wish you perseverance and endurance as you continue. You can do it!

When I get to feel lonely in a crowd, which is usually the case, I have to remember that it might just be PTSD which causes that to happen. PTSD can be very isolating. If it is PTSD then I remind myself that it is ‘just’ PTSD and should be dealt with as such. I usually excuse myself and go outside, use deep breathing and self-talk to calm down and then return with a smile on my face reminding myself that I can leave at any point that it gets to be too much and that alcohol will just make things worse - so I drink loads of water.

However, a lot of the time it is not PTSD, it is simply that I have a different value system to the majority of the people there. I do not value superficiality or people who draw attention to themselves and usually seek out more meaningful friendships. Clubs and such places are filled with many empty, superficial people. In such circumstance, I have a decision to make; stay because I want to be there and I am enjoying the music or leave because the environment isn't doing it for me.

I must admit deciding to stay many times because my so called 'friends' were all there and I didn't like the thought of them thinking that I was a loser or loner. If you land up in that situation, then stay if you must and remind yourself that these people have a different value system to you - don't beat yourself up about it – they just see life differently to you because you have been through different experiences to them. Remember that people look for different things in life depending on the place they are at in their independent journey in life. Remember that everyone is on their own journey and your journey has you looking for something more meaningful at this moment. Also remember that everyone is insecure and most people are lonely - yes, it is true! People are all the same; we all have fears and hang-ups and demons to battle. Some people decide to face these challenges and grow as a result, some people decide to mask their challenges and stagnate as a result. It sounds like you have done some growing and consequently find yourself at a different place to most people your age. That is good, It is also a challenge as hanging with the majority may cause you frustration.

If you can’t ‘get’ the backcombed blondes – just smile and move on – they are not for you and sadly, they are desperately trying to fit in and feel valuable, it is probably not working for them, but they may not realise that for a while yet. The only way to find your value is to be yourself and find value in who you are. (I’m talking to myself here too) Someone just told me today that I deserve respect … somehow, I have never learnt that. I realise now that I must take respect, demand it when it is not given and I must learn to respect the person I am for the qualities I have and the value I bring to the world.

Back to you … as difficult as it seems, look for entertainment and friendship in places that fit with who you are and with people who are on a similar journey to you. I didn’t learn that until I had spent countless lonely years in the wrong circles pretending to be like everyone else. The point of life is to be fully YOU. If you try to be someone else then you become superfluous and that is a shame because you have so much to offer the world that nobody else can offer.

My wish for you is that you learn to be fully YOU and find friends who are being fully themselves.

Take care and hugs.
:Hug_emoticon:

 

[uplate]

I can relate to the showpony aversion and I get mistaken for one too. It helps to keep in mind that people do tend to put their best foot forward and hide their vulnerabilities so what you see now is not nesassarily what you get later. Being new there it will take a while to get to know people and find people you can relate to, if you didn't feel comfortable at the event then maybe there are other activities there that you will like more.