The Only Only Child?

[starshine]

Ok. The poll, birth order and whatnot. It would appear, from those who answered the poll, that I am the only completely only child here. As in no siblings at all, ever, in any way related. My parents married in '67 and 3 years later had me. And noone else. Neither of them had any children before or after.

There must be more of us! Come on out of the wood work!

Also I'd like to talk about how being an only child is for a person with PTSD, particularly from childhood abuse and trauma. In fact the first trauma I suffered was my birth, and as a consequence of that is the main reason of my only child status. My mum just didn't want to go through that again, all the tests and so forth.
Then of course there was the abuse and emotional neglect within my family. Being an only child meant I was even more isolated with that. My parents kept me isolated anyway.
My only 'siblings' as such were my parents' emotionally immature states of being. I was isolated socially and it was all rather.. isolated.
But, had there been more of us it could have been so much worse - insofar as overwhelming my parents' already fragile ability to cope.

I know there're pros and cons of having siblings during childhood abuse. It all depends on whether they're involved in the abuse.

What do you all think?

 

[PerfectEmpire]

Well, I wasn't sure how to answer the poll, but I grew up so isolated and my brothers are so far removed that I chose only child. And between my parents, I am their only child. I am also my father's only child. Perhaps I should have chosen "last" because my Mother had a whole other marriage and two other kids a decade before me. Sorry if I chose wrong. Can I undo my selection and withdraw my vote?

***

As for the experience, being alone in the house with my abusive father, well, it was like being a private slave. I heard it all. I took it all. All of his rage was cast upon me. It was too much for a kid to handle. And I didn't have friends. I was alone, completely. The word isolation is the word that most describes my ordeal. Joy Division has a very good song called "Isolation". It's very accurate.

I can however recall my early years when my two teenage brothers lived with us. He split his rage between them and me. So it wasn't as focused on me, and things weren't as difficult then. But I was so much younger that I never felt like we confided in one another or shared in the experience. In fact, when I talk to my brothers about it now, they recall their experience as if they took a turn living with him and then left and then I came in and had my turn. It is as if we were in two, distantly related existences and all we had in common was him. My mother was very different when they were younger, and they even lived with a different father whom they visited on the weekends after my mom got divorced. All in all, they had whole separate lives than me.

***

I can imagine that a major pro of having siblings is that one can confide in and share in the experience with them. And that the abuser can be distracted by one while the other gets some "off" time.

A con of having siblings would be that the abusive parent might be more stressed out because there are more kids and thus become more aggravated and violent. And if the parent is neglectful, then each child is just one more mouth to feed and one more way that resources must be split. Another con might be that some siblings grow up to deny all that happened and will call the sibling who has PTSD "crazy". This could be very hurtful, more hurtful than not having anybody to share it with in the first place...or would it be? I don't know.

***

Again, I'm sorry if my answer choice is perceived as incorrect. Perhaps I should not have participated in the poll, thus preserving its accuracy. Nevertheless, this is an interesting topic!

 

[starshine]

It is how you experienced your family, and that's fine. :) I'm just looking at things from a more concrete view in one aspect.

I'm sure there're other only children who've experienced trauma, but where are they?! "Or am I even more of a freak than they'd all have led me to believe?"

 

[a3a2]

Um-m-m, I'm not sure this makes you a freak...each of us has our own unique trauma situation. I am probably the only one here from a huge family....not even Catholic....lol.

 

[starshine]

Thank you..

I just... seeing the results of the poll made me feel even more of an outsider ya know...

 

[BethRSA]

Starshine,

Sorry that my poll made you feel like an outsider. :Hug_emoticon:

I was just curious after reading things about birth order.

At least here, you are not alone. We love and appreciate you. Since I was born in 1969, you can be my little sister.

Beth

 

[shiraz]

Hi Starshine,

I have two siblings, we are all about a year apart - the abuse,as far as I can tell was visited on me - not them. In my family though, I had no identity ... still today, I talk about 'us' and 'we' when I speak of my childhood ... I can't think of myself as an entity ..... I was what they were ... I thought what they thought .... responded as they responded ..... there was no I .... only 'we'. Even today ... i have a hard time knowing things like what I want to eat for dinner or what I'd like to do with a free day.

My brother had sufficient self actualization to find himself at a young age and my younger sister, also has low self esteem and very little sense of self. Dispite that we were three, i was isolated ... I did this to myself basically as a coping mechanism. It did not help at all that there were siblings. My sister was actually abusive to me which added to the trauma and my brother just got on with his life. For a short period during my teens my brother began to realize that I was really battling and tried a bit to assist - but the harm had been done in my early years and although I loved him for it, there was little he could do. Both siblings are really outgoing, make friends easily and look for new experiences. I do not, i find comfort in isolation and feel overwhelmed with too much stimulus.

I guess I am wondering, if abused kids just aren't able to self actualize as normal development would allow because abuse usually comes with isolation and neglect and, if isolatating isn't just the way a lot of us coped.

Either way, I guess there are as many variations to the abusive model as there are abused kids.

Just my two pennies worth :)

Shiraz

 

[starshine]

Thank you both. Am really touched by your responses.
I'll come back to this tomorrow when I'm less frazzled after a day at work!

 

[sarah66]

Hello Starshine,

I am only child and feel very lonely with no siblings with memories to share.

My father was always neglectful, domineering and abusive. I have no memories of any sexual abuse, just an overwhelming feeling of what has been done. I never liked being alone with him, still don't. Yet always make excuses for his behavior.

I started smoking pot when a teenager and this helped me all my life to cope with the stress of living in a household full of tension. I have been through a hellish last decade of these feelings/ knowings coming up and thinking I'm crazy to have these feelings with no memory.

Anyway, just thought I'd let you know I'm here. :)

 

[p-no]

Hi Starshine,

I am an only child, too and can relate to a lot you're saying.

When I was a teenager (around 15), my mother told me that she had wanted to adopt an Asian girl earlier but that didn't happen. At first I was all angry because I desperately needed someone! Soon though, I understood that having had a sister would not have meant less abuse for me but most likely also a lot for that poor girl. I thought about her for many many years and felt great relief and gratefulness that it had never worked out. She'll never know how she was saved (at least from my mother) by not having been adopted.

I can relate to being the only one. My mother was very charismatic in public. Everyone liked here. When I shared my abuse, people didn't believe me, only those, who were already close enough to witness it or become abused by her as well (raging fits throwing e.g. pots at them (with hot food), swearing at them and calling them names, etc.). They did believe me, but left, because they could. I couldn't. It is a very lonely place to be.

This thread is quite old and I hope you're well.

 

[saffy]

I am also an only child.

My mother was not maternal but a manipulative control snob. My father went when I was three and she blamed me for that and then blamed me for her having to sever any ties with him. I then had a step father who listened to all her manipulations which lead to massive fights between the two of us, whilst she then sat in the other room reading a book.

Having no siblings has affected me as well I think, although with those parents I am glad she did not breed again.

I have a lot of friends with siblings and they have lots of memories. Something I will never be able to relate to. They become aunties or uncles. They have learned about boundaries and respect and communication from someone close rather than having to rely on peers and strangers. And its nice to see them go off to spend time with their siblings.

I do sometimes get sad about it but have to be carry on anyway.

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Spiderallis]

I don't visit the polls section of the forums very often, but add another lonely only child to the count. My mother did have a miscarriage when I was a small child, didn't remember it until I was older that she spent a whole summer in bed after going to the hospital.

I had the domineering father and passive-aggressive mother combination; emotional neglect and abuse, physical from both parents though not often, and ongoing emotional manipulation with threats of violence. The threats seem pretty empty, but I've never disobeyed enough to find out.