Sufferer Touch starved former child(porn)star

[SodomizedBitchBoi]

Hi

I would like to have more intimate and/or physical relationships with my friends, people I like in general, and have a relationship that involves dating. I’ve been in therapy since I was 18, I waited to become a legal adult to get HIPPA rights (a birthday gift to myself), but I’m on my 2nd decade of therapy/treatment now and it’s very disheartening to learn I’m still not healed or skilled enough to identify/fulfill my needs.

I’ve been doing everything my medical team has instructed of me, whether to address physical or mental symptoms, and have become very physically fit/attractive based on the attention I receive from others, but I’ve still never had good healthy sex/sexual relationships and I really want one.

Not in an “I’m entitled to it” kind of way either. Just that I figured after years of learning how to give adults orgasms as a child, to the point where I’ve been mistaken as a sex worker the more recent/rare times I’ve had sex, that I’d at least get to enjoy the skills forced onto me for myself once I reached adulthood.

I was my most sexually active before turning 10 and it’s disappointing to note that I don’t remember ever having an orgasm since I was 9 years old. I’m not sure what all exactly that did to my sexual development but, judging by my sexual dysfunction and chronic touch starvation years later, it’s likely not good.

I’m not in contact with most of my abusers now, at least not the ones who sexually molested me the most, but my family still is so that’s awkward for me. I never even told my baby brother I had sex with his other brothers, his dad, and his grandad. That’s not a conversation I think I can ever have but it does linger on my mind, especially when he mentions one of them.

Though in hindsight he shows signs of something I’m afraid to learn about. I’m ashamed to admit it, but I don’t think I could handle learning about the ways he was harmed that’s I don’t currently know about. He was only 2 when his Daddy sodomized me and I wasn’t a good big brother until after I started therapy, something he’s mentioned to me. I tried to be good for him, break the cycle, and apologize for any wrong I’ve done.

But I’m scared that in the end I’m not any better than his/our other relatives and will do more harm than good no matter what I do/don’t do.

So Hi,
I’m a Sodomized Bitch Boi, Sorry Ass Big Brother, and Pathetic Bastard
Hope I’m welcome here and don’t make anyone uncomfortable
Sorry if I’m weird, that won’t change but my self censorship can

 

[parrotthepolly]

Welcome, usually when people think they'll do more harm than good, it's a huge awareness and being afraid of oneself kinda prevents it. Most likely.

 

[arfie]

hello boi. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here. i am a child sex trafficking survivor (my daddy did hard time in two states) and i have had no discouragement, whatsoever, from the other members of this community. i feel safe to be totally and openly honest here. i hope you experience likewise. i solidly believe i am only as sick as my secrets. my experience as a child prostitute is not my favorite chit chat, but it is no longer a secret. learning how to drop the secrecy code i was taught by my perps was/is an important piece of my recovery.

But I’m scared that in the end I’m not any better than his/our other relatives and will do more harm than good no matter what I do/don’t do.

comparing is one of my meaner psycho bad girls. while i am comparing myself to others, i am distracted from understanding myself. yes, i share DNA and family/cultural conditioning with some criminally insane people, but i have choices on what to do with that DNA. i grew up calling prison, "the famiily alma mater," but it's my choice whether to apply for admission. i make better choices while i am not distracted by comparisons.

to the point where I’ve been mistaken as a sex worker

this still happens to me, as well, and i was forced into celibacy by damages done during those formative years a decade or so ago. with my 71st birthday around the corner, it is starting to feel like a compliment laced with golden joke opportunities. i work to keep the jokes gentle and compassionate. i take gentle and compassionate humor as a sign that healing is in progress. healing hopes for all. no exceptions. just hoping. . .

 

[oliver767]

That awareness and determination speak volumes about your strength.

You mentioned lingering feelings that you might do more harm than good. Recovery, healing, and even parenting, these aren’t about being perfect. They’re about being conscientiously aware, willing to seek support when you need it, and committed to doing better, even in small ways. In fact, that fear and self-awareness are signs you won’t repeat past patterns. Awareness is the foundation of change.

It’s understandable that you want affectionate, intimate connections and to reclaim your own sexuality. You deserve joy, pleasure, and tenderness just as much as anyone else. Those skills you mastered as a child were stolen from you, they don’t define you today, and you absolutely deserve healthy, consensual love and pleasure.

 

[Friday]

Aloha, & welcome to the community.

 

[HomelessJoe]

Welcome you came to the right place. It really helps to be able to unload that weight. You are not alone.