Relationship The Price Of PTSD On Relationships

[Nicolette]

(Note: Not referring to children who have PTSD).

From reading the new posts in the Carer's section of late it seems there is a pattern. Girl in love with boy, boy has PTSD so isolates himself and inadvertently shuts out girl. Girl takes it personally and feels rejected. It seems PTSD takes a lot out of people's lives.

The posts here talk about supporting the PTSD suffer but what happens when the Carer goes through a speed hump in life and needs emotional support from their partner? Yes, we can turn to friends but that only goes so far. My view is a relationship, as in boyfriend & girlfriend, husband & wife, would involve reciprocal support. How do you balance this?

What happens when the PTSD suffer is having a low point but so is the carer? Sounds to me, from what is written here lately, that some carer's support the suffer but sometimes have to rationalise getting no support back, even if they need it.

What a dilema?!

 

[batgirl]

Good thread Nicolette. I see the same pattern here as you do. This is exactly why I started my thread, why date someone who is ill, in the first place. I don't know what else to say but I hope you get some good responses.

 

[jods]

Hmmm good food for thought!

I know at times it is hard to find a balance for the support that you give & get.

For me I think the best thing for me is to be honest with my hubby & tell him that I'm having a crap time.
I tell him that I need to work on myself in order to regroup & get my crap together.

I work on the theory that if it's good enough for me to support him while he is seeing his doc etc then it is only fair that he supports me when I have to see my doc.

I must admit though I have made sure that I have a good network around the both of us to help if we are both struggling.

Sometimes I think that pride gets in the way for asking for help.

 

[Sairadance]

I agree, good thread.
Since I am part of this "category" so to speak....I will say that if one chooses to be a carer (and it is a choice), then it's so important to have your eyes open. I think a carer would have to have an excellent support network which could include counselling (as it does for me). Of course you would want support from your partner, I mean that's what a partnership is right? I am learning that when my partner shuts me out, I need to look inwards because I can only control what is going on within myself in this moment. I can choose to feel hurt and neglected (and it happens because I'm human), and or I can choose to remember that my partner is a wonderful supportive man when he is able, I just can't plan when that's going to happen...(wish I could)! "Through good times and in bad" so they say, I am learning to just take it one day at a time.....sometimes 1 hour at a time. The thing to remember for me, is that he has been there for me, and will be again.
Thanks for the thread.

 

[Kathy]

Well said Jodee and Sairadance. I know you said you are not referring to children with PTSD Nicolette, however I hope you don't mind my commenting briefly as well.

As Sairadance so aptly put it, when one enters into a relationship with someone with any chronic illness, expectations do need to be adjusted accordingly. Just as if your partner was unable to walk, you would not expect them to go jogging with you, so with a partner with PTSD, you cannot always expect them to engage in activities which stress them or make them ill. Although it is not a partner situation, I will use my daughter with PTSD as an example here. When I was quite ill emotionally after my son's death, Evie tried to be supportive of me, and was good at it - to a point. That point being, because of her PTSD, she could only be supportive for short periods at a time, and could not be my sole source of support. After a certain point it became too much for her she needed to rest. I needed to rely on others as well, not place all the burden upon her.

As close as the spousal relationship is, in the case of PTSD, developing a large and solid support network is crucial. Family, friends, one's church, therapists, support groups, doctors and so on can all be part of that support network. You simply cannot always rely upon the PTSD sufferer; that is unfortunately part of PTSD, that they will need breaks, especially from the stress and problems of others. They cannot always be emotionally available. This is exactly why I often tell partners to think very seriously and clearly if this is what they want in a relationship, as there are some matters you must accept, and some adjustements that must be made, that would not be present in a "normal" relationship.

 

[pastrychefarmywife]

this is a great thread!

as a wife of a PTSD spouse, i definitely get my down times, more than i would like to admit. as my hubby hasn't yet recognized it himself, although diagnoised (sp) he refuses to get help. I can't say this is harder than anyone else, but its the hardest point in our relationship, even thru 3 depolyments.

we also have a young son, 5, and i have to referree all day, when he comes home from work, till the time our son goes to bed. they consistently try to battle each other, then come to me. I have learned that 'shower time' is MY time. NO more kids in the shower with me! and I have to watch my stress and anxiety, as i get frequent migraine headaches with NO signs. I learned to eat anything i want, as if i try to diet, i get more migraines, and then we all 3 are grouchy! , and i get as much sleep as i can, after 'my' time on the pc.

i am always there for my family and any time they want to talk i am here, but when i need a shoulder, i call my friends and family from our previous base. they really do help me thru some tough days. i don't have any friends here yet, but hopefully soon, i will be able to trust someone ( i have a extremely hard time trusting ppl)

my hubby is emotionally unavailble, but i think its more he doesn't know what to do when i am in a 'down' moment. i just call up my friends, i know he cares, he just don't know how to listen or show it, so i just 'bypass' him for that part.

soon, hopefully , he will be less stressed, and we can talk again.

 

[Kathy]

I forgot to add this yesterday. When Jim was still drinking, and then when was in the early stages of recovery, there was a period of about 4 years where he was often emotionally unavailable to me. Also physically unavailable, as he was constantly attending AA meetings and/or socializing with his AA friends. I had 4 small children at the time and so I could only attend Al-Anon once weekly. It was quite frustrating and lonely. However I did learn through Al-Anon to rely on my support network when my husband was not available to me.

Another lesson I learned in Al-Anon which I find invaluable to this day, is to regularly do nice things for myself. Whether that be visiting with friends, buying myself a gift, going to a yoga class or even just having a bubble bath - I have learned that I can enjoy myself and have a nice time apart from my husband. He is very good now, we are very close, however we still have our separate interests and activities, which we enjoy apart from one another. My interests and activities, as well as my friends, are very important to me to fall back on.

 

[nyc]

Kathy, I find this information really useful. This seems more productive than making assumptions that people are co- dependent and dysfunctional in some way for caring for an adult who is ill. (not pointing any fingers etc..)

I am no longer in my relationship, but I certainly understand how people would want to try to stay and relieve the suffering in some way. I'm sure it does have a price to do this. But, maybe that's a truly deep love.

 

[Kathy]

I'm glad you find the information useful nyc, however I do not see anyone here making assumptions. All I perceive are people asking straighforward questions in an attempt to understand, and many interesting and varied comments and opinions. In the long run I believe all of that is productive.

 

[tarahc]

I'm very new to this forum, but the question you posed is one that I have thought about maybe a million times. I have been the one giving the support and being understanding, and what happens when I'm the one who needs it? Further, I sometimes feel that the consistent having to be understanding leads to frustration at always having to play that role, which can stretch my patience thinner and makes it more difficult to be understanding.

I don't have a solution. But it's nice to know that other people think about this and I'm not selfish for wondering how things will be when something happens in my life and I need support from my partner. I am very fortunate to have several good friends who I feel would definitely be there for me if I need them, but I wonder if I'll be able to receive that support from the one who I've consistently given it to.

 

[blueeyedgirl]

Nicolette,

Thank you for bringing about this point.

In an endeavor to try and understand the people we love, we're often neglected. We're left drained and feeling hopeless. It's difficult to create a balance when the situation itself is already so imbalanced. We all need support, a listening ear, and sometimes a really big hug. I know I'd love one right now.

And, your point about rationalizing our own neglect is interesting. I think we do it because we truly want to understand and help. To me, it almost becomes addictive. Which becomes the problem. We think that if there was something more we could do, a little more we could learn, or understand, that it would somehow help the situation. To see someone so crippled by an illness - that's just so difficult to grasp.

I think what nyc meant regarding making assumptions regarding co-dependent or dysfunctional relationships is that we may even conclude to ourselves that there has to be something unhealthy going on to *want* to stay in such an imbalanced relationship. Because, in the end - isn't it about how much one person can take? If one keeps giving, the other keeps receiving, even putting up with abusive behaviors, well, that *is* unhealthy. But making such statements is by far easier said than done. Because, when love is involved - there's is a price. But, how much is too much?

Pastrychef, I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I can't remember which thread you posted it on, but, please feel free to email me, as well. It can be difficult meeting new people (and trusting). I moved here close to two yrs ago, and didn't know a soul. To this day, I spend more time of the phone with my friends back home than out trying to meet new people. I just don't have the energy anymore!

 

[Kathy]

I think what nyc meant regarding making assumptions regarding co-dependent or dysfunctional relationships is that we may even conclude to ourselves that there has to be something unhealthy going on to *want* to stay in such an imbalanced relationship.

Ah. That could very well be, well said. Though I do believe that serious pondering about why one is in a relationship in the first place is healthy and necessary. Wondering about whether one is co-dependent or dysfunctional is a good thing in my opinion as it leads to self-examination.