Relationship The Price Of PTSD On Relationships

[Nicolette]

May I ask why your husband is staying with his mom Deanna? You must be feeling terribly alone during such a sad time. How are you? I have suffered the loss of a pregnancy and my partner took off at the same time, after bringing me home from hospital, and went and stayed with his mother for the week. It was one of the cruelest things he could have done to me at the time as I needed support and he just checked out.

As for your question, counselling is only good if all parties are willing and accepting. Forcing someone to go somewhere they don't want to go generally never has a good outcome.

 

[TLight]

Nicolette & Deedlight,

I just had an attempt a couple of months ago. My 'friend' picked me up from the hospital, still all drugged up.

Anyway, long story short, the first thing my 'carer' said when I walked in the door was "I"m going to California early." First words out of his mouth. I said, so you are abandoning me? Then my 'friend' proceeded with a verbal tyrade on what a victim I was, etc.

without the help of my T at this time, I would have blamed myself. He was the one that triggered my attempt, yelling at me, "I"m so sick of your self-pity". Next thing I remember, I'm in the hospital, my T called the cops and they hauled me off in handcuffs cause I grabbed one guys balls when he asked 'what's going on?"

I've since ELIMINATED these people from my life. None of this was my fault! They are selfish people with their own crap going on and they dumped it on me and it very nearly killed me.

They still won't own up to it.
So don't ever blame yourself for relationships gone bad. People have their own issues and you working on yours brings up what they hate about themselves. We've had enough self blame. I mean REALLY.

 

[Auburngirl]

Nicolette wrote:
"A 'Carer' may need to accept that the 'Sufferer' may not always be available but a 'Sufferer' needs to learn to try and verbalise this somehow so the 'Carer' can understand."

I think this is critical too : I try to do it. I did recently find myself in a situation where I was dissociated and ill and my partner needed support. It can be hard as when I'm ill my communication skills are seriously limited, but it's really important to me that he knows it's not him, it's just I'm ill and can't do it right now. Fortunately these spells of being incommunicado are usually brief, so I can try to explain and be there for him afterwards. It's not ideal though, and suggestions are welcome. I really want to be a good partner, and I don't ever want to use this as an excuse for not being there or treating someone badly.

 

[spiritofnow]

I am the one with PTSD and my previous partner who I am trying to reamin friends with has offered himself to me as part of my support network. We actually had a conversation about this very subject last evening.

His mother has cervical cancer, recently diagnosed. My lovely is very strong, independent and resourceful. He has a fantastic realtionship with his immediate family.

I ring him, text, and mail when and if I am having a bad day! Sometimes he just serves as a 'reaching out exercise', to know that someone special knows how I am feeling really does help. Other times when I am feeling lost he helps with practical sloutions.

Anyway, we got on to talking about 'us'......we did not make it! He said he finds it hard as I only call him etc when I am in need! Crap! I was only contacting him in those times becasue I assumed that is all we are to each other. I did not think about just calling him up to say 'hi'! Sometimes I don't think outside the box, not becuase I am selfish, but because I am treading a path that I thought we had agreed on. I did not realise we could just be friends to each other as well.

Anyway, I told him that I am here for him - always! He said he can't ask me even if he wanted because of where I am! I thought about this and sent him a text later.

I told him that I wished he would ask of me. I suggested that I feel that reaching out for support demonstrates strength of character (he is very, very independent). I suggessted that reaching out demonstrates trust between the two people. I told him that he knows that being there for others' is what I am all about and that he should use this resource that I have. In fact if he did I would feel proud and honoured that he would come to me. I also highlighted how aiding others' makes me feel; strong, confident, wothwhile and like I am a good person.

I hope I showed him that to ask of me would be positive for both of us.

Therefore, when someone is a carer I do believe that the caree' (ha) should ensure that they make it clear that they are able to offer support as well. I prefer it that way if I am honest - it takes the limelight away from me and I can think about someone else instead of me for a while.

Spirit x

 

[Cowgirl]

Spiritx, you are right. Someone with PTSD is not always on the "needy" end. And you are able to be the supportive one for others. My DH has been there for me, and continues to be there for me. There are times when I've needed him and he's not been able to deal with it because of where he is with his PTSD. But NO ONE is perfect, NO ONE is always able to be the strong one. With or without PTSD, everyone has their weaker moments. That is why there are friends.

And ... friends should be friends on the good days too, so the friendship is not based on crisis support. Give him a ring because the sun is shining, the birds are singing, and it feels amazingly good just to be alive - give him a ring on the good days, to share that too. ;)

Hugs,

Cowgirl

 

[aeb7311]

I am new to these forums but i have been looking for somewhere to link up with others who understand. I am under quite a lot of stress in my own life, as a beginning teacher, and now, with my partner's PSTD flaring up I also find myself as major provider, budgeter, housewife, cook, basically everything that needs to be done falls on to me. I'm sure I'm not the only one.

However, when I need to let go and just vent and cry, my partner just holds me close and lets me cry. He is the one that is encouraging me to see the psychologist, he is the one encouraging me to get out and do things for myself so I don't burn out. I think because of his PSTD he is more understanding and able to help.

Sometimes when I need to just tell someone about my day I find it best to call my mum, I know that she is always willing and able to listen, where my partner cannot always focus on my convesations.

Having said this, it doesn't take away the enormous guilt I feel when I do let go, and I feel like I'm putting more onto him. I try hard to be superwoman and keep all the balls in the air, but I can't always do it.

 

[Charlotte]

I am new to this, I was doing research and stumbled on this site. I am so happy to see things in writing that I have been feeling. I thought I was being selfish for needing the support and feeling like I was giving all the time. A sigh of relief to know I'm not alone.

 

[Cecilia]

I have never written in this section of the forum before; but after reading this yesterday, I asked my husband of 18 years what it has been like living with me (I am a PTSD sufferer).

He was very honest and said it was challenging because:
-I would shut down for days at a time and did not even realize I was shut down.
-My anxiety has kept him from being involved in some activities that he would have liked to enjoy as a couple.
-My depression is difficult because at times it drags him down and leaves him to care for the children, work full-time and make sure I am ok; which is exhausting.
-He has lost friends because they did not understand why I would get upset over something seemingly small and he would protect me.
-When I go for nights without sleeping; so does he. Not just because I am making noise and moving around, but because he worries about me.

I'm sure there is more to the list. I asked him what made him stay for 18 years and endure such frustration. This was his answer:

-He knew I had issues before we married. I did not try to deceive him about my anxiety and depression.
-Even though I shut down and get depressed; he always knows I will eventually come back.
-I always do as much as I can and totally relieve him and let him rest when I feel well.
-When I feel well I am always up and fun to be around. He's never considered me one to seek sympathy or attention.
-If friends leave because he protects me; then they can go because I am his best friend.
-And last but not least, he loves me more than his next breath. We are truly soul-mates.

I hope it is ok to post this here. Needless to say, I am very glad I asked that question. Today is going to be a great day! I am so blessed.

 

[spiritofnow]

And ... friends should be friends on the good days too, so the friendship is not based on crisis support. Give him a ring because the sun is shining, the birds are singing, and it feels amazingly good just to be alive - give him a ring on the good days, to share that too. ;)
Hugs,
Cowgirl

You are right! And, I have shared my most recent good news with him!

Thanks Cowgirl :-)

Spirit x

 

[heartbroken]

I can't speak for everyone else, but I stuck around because he's my husband and I agreed to stay with him for better or worse. Lately it's been worse. I'm wondering if maybe it is time to move on with my life. But I'm at least going to give him a reasonable chance to go back to being the man that I married before I run away. I would hope he would do the same for me.

 

[Cowgirl]

Having said this, it doesn't take away the enormous guilt I feel when I do let go, and I feel like I'm putting more onto him. I try hard to be superwoman and keep all the balls in the air, but I can't always do it.

Welcome to the forum!

We all try to be strong. But none of us really are Super Woman. We just try to be. It is human to feel overwhelmed. It is human to have weak moments. It is human to cry. You are only human. You don't need to feel guilty for being human.

You are doing a great job. Keep that in mind.

Hugs,

Cowgirl

 

[becvan]

I'm wondering if maybe it is time to move on with my life. But I'm at least going to give him a reasonable chance to go back to being the man that I married before I run away.

Hi Heartbroken. I'm sorry to say, but this is never going to happen if he has PTSD. I suggest you read the carer's section in the information section of the forum. Here is a quote that I think you could really use right now...

"Realize PTSD is a Life Long Condition. Do not waste time in thinking your loved one will eventually be cured or will go back to being the person they were before they had PTSD. One does not "get over" PTSD; it is permanent. Although your sufferer can reach a management stage and have a very fulfilling life, they will always need to work upon themselves to stay healthy. There will always be some matters they need to avoid. PTSD is now of a part of your life and theirs. It becomes part of the reality of not only the person with PTSD, but their family as well. It takes a while to integrate this into life. It's difficult, frustrating, tear-jerking and will be the cause of many arguments. However it can be done if everyone is committed to keeping relationships and family together." [DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread6505.html[/DLMURL]

bec