Relationship The Price Of PTSD On Relationships

[Nicolette]

Thanks Cindy. It's nice to get praise from a sufferer as us carers do try very hard. Thank you.

 

[Shoka]

This is a great thread, with some almost philosophical implications. Ultimately I believe we are all responsible as adults to take care of ourselves first. At time I have found that being a carer challenges my balance.

Staying in a relationship for love is something I've always done. But what happens when I can't love myself or take care of my own needs because someone else's needs are all consuming? Where do I draw the line? For me this is about boundaries, it's about love, it's about commitment.

I have only one life to live and only one heart to love with. I'd best take good care of both. Not easy sometimes.

 

[Mahtalat]

It is definitely a dilemma. Me and my wife both have PTSD, we both support each other as a carer and sufferers, but sometimes things happen and we can't both support and need supporting at the same time. It's like we help each other to heal and together we've come so far. But sometimes there is a shark, and sometimes one of us can pull the other and the other can pull the other and then we're both swimming, but sometimes we just cling to each other and we start to 'drown'.

Fortunately these don't happen too often, because we are constantly working on methods on how to manage this when this happens. In the beginning these would happen nearly every other day, now they happen so rarely! The less frequently they happen the prouder we feel about our accomplishments and how we manage and work with each other to reach this! Acknowledging even then that we aren't finished working yet.

So! We are both the carer and the sufferer in this area. And whenever we hit a speedbump we just go back to the drawing board! While drawing out plans for what to do when that speedbump occurs we focus on methods of healing, and where to move next.

If I could visualize what our drawing board looks like its something like:

Okay when this happens we go to step A --> B, and when B happens we move to C, when A happens in combination with D we have to move to F, because F isn't the same solution as E something like that.

Basically! PTSD is something we have to live with, and it IS finding the balance while healing along the way. What you can give and what you can't give, and even finding a neutral spot, where you're passively giving/receiving without even realizing it until you find both of you have managed to stop crying!

I have learned that there is a way to be both the carer and the sufferer at the same time and have the support be mutual. I don't know how to explain it because it's always changing, and it depends on whats going on/happening. But basically being 'aware' and 'presentation' really makes things easier sometimes. (Presentation of how you present how you feel, if one person is freaking out instead of going OMGGGGGG changing the tone, and the way you say it and even 'moving' from negative to positive 'focusing' after acknowledging the Negative, really can help both people at the same time including yourself without pulling the other deeper (and if they come through they will start reinforcing it back to you!), at least...so I've found in my situation.).

Just it's possible to manage at the same time, but for the times when methods slip by and we start to cling and drown. Well...that's what the drawing board is for >,<.

 

[unknowntr]

Stuck

This, is exactly what we struggle with my husband and I. If I'm at a point were I just cant do it and he is..then we're screwed. Yet, I do have my councler and some friends, its not the same you live with them and have to live life everyday. This is something I went into the marriage knowing as well as my Husband but even so..he wasnt prepared. I guess me gets more of the short end because I'm still trying to work through things..and all together I'm at a different stage of life then he is. But, I found him say help me out sometimes..and I want to say I just cant right know.

 

[andrea]

to tarahc,
I totally hear what you're saying. After my husband returned from Iraq, I came up with a new title for myself (aside from stay at home mom with twins - 2 yrs old at the time) and that title is "crisis prevention manager" I think that says it all. Hang in there. I'm sorry I don't have an answer to your question of you'll get the support from the person you've been giving it to. It's not fair and far from easy.

 

[Some1sAngel]

Honesty, I sooo confused. On a daily basis I ask myself, "When will this get any better?" "Is it worth the trouble ?" But I always remember the way he was and what I feel for him and I say, "He's worth it." But yet, it seems to be an emotional roller coaster I'm constantly on. It's soo hard to walk away and stay at the same time. I'm soo confused don't know what to do.

 

[Nicolette]

But I always remember the way he was and what I feel for him and I say, "He's worth it."

It's really great that you know your man is worth it. I do hope you realise he will never be the way he was again...PTSD is life changing sorry.

 

[malibran]

what great advice, thanks.

Well I see it your way too. sometimes it is really hard to always be the reasonable clear one. what about the times we need to be human? So then I just tell him so because I think to overcome PTSD the sufferer must see that as often as he can he has to behave in a 'normal ' way to regain his health. Even if he can not maintain this for long periods of time. it is no good to coddle him and treat him as if his needs are so special that the entire world stops for him. That is a form of pity and believe me he will not be helped that way.

I sometimes wonder why I keep going but he is such a fantastic man that I do, and so far we are able to make it work. Good luck and best wishes for you both.

I am learning so much by reading all these posts. Thanks to everyone.

Malibran

 

[fin]

Thankyou for this Nicolette, the last relationship I was in I had ALL theblame heaped on me, even his issues became my problem and I didnt know him all that well or for all that long either. I tried to slow that weird processing down but I ended up taking all the blame on board myself anyway, and it did affect me (you know i can hear myself saying this to other people and yet... I didnt listen to it myself... good grief -sorry). It is difficult when you love someone to be strong in yourself and not let someone elses issues hinder and bring you down further also. Communication is vital, if only one person is communicating and that is only one way then that isnt perhaps healthy at all. Having that shared understanding helps.

Thankyou for this , I will come back and read it all through again properly , I wish I had done again before today. Next time I will know better I hope. Thankyou~

 

[malibran]

I am actually in the middle of all this now with my BF. I see he will have a very difficult time giving me what I want in a relationship. He is trying and we are very deeply in love---BUT--- I also wonder if this choice I am making to be with him is wise for me .

I do not have much support and while I have dear friends I am not interested in going on and on about an issue I have brought upon myself. All my friends are already telling me to watch my step and think again about this relationship. :naughty: This forum is my best support so far. It helps me so much.

I am very conflicted about what to do because this man is a jewel of a person but too afraid to even allow me to meet his family (2 sons, grown) or visit his home. I feel totally isolated and left on the fringe of his life. It hurts very much to live with his restrictions which I think are weird.

When I talk about it he tells me he is afraid I will leave him if I see the PTSD part in action, the rages and nightmares etc. He is going to 2 Vet groups weekly, on Meds which he takes faithfully and in private therapy. He becomes visibably withdrawn when we talk about this.

I see him getting better and he knows that I am great for him but he is asking for the patience of a saint to wait an unspecified length of time...maybe a few years he says ...till he can sleep over night, go away for a weekend or introduce me to his family.

Has anyone else here had these issues come up? Not sleeping overnight, no trips, not seeing the place where their partner lives ? Not being introduced to FAMILY AND NOT TO FRIENDS EITHER? Maybe this is very typical PTSD? We are together nearly a year.:dontknow:

I welcome any replies,
Thanks


Malibran

 

[Shoka]

Malibran,

After a year, I'd say that is very unusual that you've not seen where he lives, have not met any of his friends. How long has he been divorced/separated? Is it possible that that is part of the equasion?

Perhaps someone else knows better, but that doesn't seem like a typical PTSD quality to me. Has he met your friends, family, etc?

To me it sounds like a bit of a red flag that something else is going on, but that's my perspective only. At a previous time in my life I was manipulated and lied to by someone very very clever who was married and hid it from me. He didn't have PTSD, but used my compassionate nature as a way to steer me from figuring his situation out. At that time in my life I hadn't learned to be upfront with men. Soon after this aweful experience, I had a therapist who taught me to be VERY direct with men and be sure to ask them specific questions about their marital status before getting involved. She said that some men (NOT ALL- have to stipulate this so as not to offend the honest men out there) will lie by ommission- only tell you answers to what you ask. Some men know and count on a woman not asking the pressing questions to clarify the situation.

I hope this is not your situation....But I have to say, after a year some of what you posted sounds downright fishy to me. Sorry for the dose of honesty. Keep in mind, it's just my opinion, for what it's worth.

Shoka

 

[Dawn]

I have been lied to repeatedly and the "sufferer" as you call it, is
very secretive and passive-agressive. Is this common in PTSD?