The Saddest Part Of Goodbye

[winterose]

I guess it is over between me and my mate. The best we can do is just be friends. The saddest part about all this, is no matter which way we spin this, it is too much for both of us right now because of where we are individually. Finding out when your best wasn't quite good enough, blah. Guess my flashback was a bit hard for him to go through, which I can't nor blame him for.

I had hoped he could see the strength I got out of going through it. What I learned. How I fought it. For now it is too overwhelming for him. Yeah, I can be angry. Yeah, I can be alot of things. Only thing I feel right now is grief. Good progress with really bad timing. I hate PTSD on so many levels. Not just for me but everyone. Sometimes it feels the cards are stacked against us when we try so hard. Right now I just want to make sure my friend will be ok too. I hold nothing against him. Or myself. Just sad.

 

[ms spock]

((((((winterose))))))

 

[winterose]

((((((winterose))))))

(((Ms Spok))) Thanks and back at you.

 

[Teasel]

Hi @winterose I feel the same way. Am sorry your relationship is ending. I hear your thoughts that you are too much and you ought not be too much for your significant other.... I feel the same. I agree it sucks big f*cks

 

[Friday]

I had hoped he could see the strength I got out of going through it.

I'm glad that you can!

 

[winterose]

Hi @winterose I feel the same way. Am sorry your relationship is ending. I hear your...

I had to rethink this one a bit before I could respond. We were both too much for each other right now. He is just dealing with his stuff and his own issues of flip flopping(which is a trigger for me) and his angers. On the otherside 3 of us in one house all with PTSD recognized enough of it in each other to be able to laugh at it sometimes, like when He and my brother went to Walmart and it became a combat zone for them and they saw it in each other. Or when he had his nightmares and such. I was given a huge task to survive and transcend with.

My point is it's hard to be careful with each other when trying to cope and deal with firsts at the sametime. I will always be cheering him on. I still think we could work but both of us need to figure out how to measure the damages and try to keep it from becoming too much for the other. He will always have a special place in my heart.

The saddest part is seeing it is noone's fault, it is just where each of us lie with our own demons right now. My bro and I came a long way together after 3 years of emotional terrorism on each other. When the pain got too much we both withdrew and sorted stuff out. My bro took the first step after 7 months of avoiding each other to say hey this sucks. From there we started rebuilding what we both broke and putting down lines of never again can this happen. It took alot of work, tears, sweat, biting tongues, angers, and a shift of perceptions. I had just hoped we could offer my friend the safe place he needed.

I was hoping with all the wrong ways my brother and I started, maybe we had enough to offer another person to help them too. His PTSD and mine had other plans and took their own tickets to hell, we just went along for the ride. At least I know now where some stuff is that without the closeness wouldn't have revealed itself. For that I am greatful to learn. This way I don't feel so damn powerless to this crap.(PTSD)