The Sex Thread

[Seagreen]

I did too for a long time. Now its something i want to work on.

 

[ms spock]

Hey this is something I have worked on successfully! I can't believe it! I really have done it.

For along time on and off it was avoidance or dissociation.

Things have changed! LOL Now I am here now. This is great! Good luck to everyone on the journey.

 

[Wyakin]

Things have moved in further with my friend. I have now used the L word. Not something I ever thought I would feel. I have never trusted someone so much. I am so glad I have though. This is such a great feeling to finally feel safe in another persons company, to want that interaction, to want to be close. I hope others can find this to.

 

[whserenitynluv]

In the past I have had issues with certain things as far as sex. It was almost like I had to perform. And if the performance lacked, then they wouldn't want me. Some of these relationships have been based on that alone, it would be nice to find a relationship that was comparable sexually that I didn't feel like I had to perform, but wanted to for them. Does that make sense?

 

[somerandomguy]

Makes sense. As men we have been brainwashed into thinking that performance is everything, and that we're not real men if we can't instantly perform. I think a lot of women have been brainwashed to believe that as well.

 

[Anrish]

A great thread, really. The topic is triggering me a lot right now.

I really long for someone to be there and hold me again but I'm scared to give up control, to trust someone - and I'm also ashamed of my body which isn't typically female. I'm too tall, too trained and have too much scars from sport accidents.

My best friend is the only person I can have sex with. I can trust her and she never pushes me. It's not all about sex, sometimes we just cuddle, hug and kiss - I'm able to enjoy the intimacy with her. The funny thing is that we're both not into women in general. But I can trust her and sex with her is relieving and fun, but we're not able to have working relationship. We already tried twice and ended up heartbroken - so we decided to remain best friends with some special add ons.

I had a very dominant boyfriend. He totally controlled me, blamed me when I didn't go along with his wishes. I said "no" a few times but then he got mad and in the end...I just learned to endure the sex. He was stronger than I am, most men are. And I could never trust a whimp. I also love broad shoulders and muscles...to touch, to see. In my fantasy, they make me feel safe...but in my feelings they scare me. It's a big contradiction. I don't know how to deal with the matter. Even with my best friend....anything connected to entering my body gives me the chills and I freak out.

 

[Glara]

When my sufferer and I were in our 20s the sex was great. When we starting opening up about our feelings this time around, we were doing some hardcore sexting because we couldn't be together. When we finally did get together, I found him as attractive as I always did. He was worried because he gained a lot of weight and thought I wouldn't feel the same. I knew I would and I did. I barely noticed. I mean I could see it with my eyes but in my heart he was who he always was. It felt extremely intimate to me, much more so than we were young. We were now in our 50s and definately didn't look the same. He told me it has been over 10 years for him. I'm not sure if I should believe it. It was very quick, he said because of that. I don't know. I also don't know how he felt about it. All the other things that went on during our visit sent him back into this episode so I don't know how he felt. I don't know if it made it worse for him. I just know how it felt for me, and again, it felt very intimate, probably one of the most intimate times I've had. I felt vulnerable but trusting. I know he felt vulnerable. It may have made it worse for him.

 

[SpikeBall]

Guys, I wonder if I should start a new thread or not...
No more flashbacks!! For PTSD, I think alot of the sexual issues come down to trust. I have finally come to feel relatively safe with my partner and been able to ground, focus, and let go too.

 

[Jasminedharris14]

For me personally, I have had problems with relationships in the past. After my trauma, I had serious issues with touch and intimacy. The first time I tried to have sex with a guy after the trauma, I ended up having a panic attack. After that, I was only comfortable with foreplay. I eventually ended the relationship, as it was not fair to him to be with someone who could not give him what he needed or deserved. My later relationships with women were less stressful, in that I did not feel anxious during intimacy. Now...and I am getting pretty forthcoming with this....but I think it has something to do with my thoughts and feelings about penetration. The thought makes me anxious and so I rarely engage in this part of sex with my girlfriend. The first time we tried, I had to have that awkward conversation about how my past makes present activities uncomfortable sometimes. Thankfully, she is understanding and we are both satisfied despite my occasional anxiety and flashbacks. Sex is truly intimate and beautiful, not forced and degrading. I think I am lucky to have found a partner with whom I feel safe. I feel fortunate that I have found someone with whom I am sexually compatible.

I have a question for the thread:

Has anyone experienced trauma and feel that their sexual orientation has been affected/influenced or comfort level with a particular gender? I hope that makes sense.

 

[Jasminedharris14]

Guys, I wonder if I should start a new thread or not...
No more flashbacks!! For PTSD, I think alot of the sexual issues come down to trust. I have finally come to feel relatively safe with my partner and been able to ground, focus, and let go too.

That's great about your flashbacks going away. And I definitely agree with you about the role trust plays into sexual issues related to trauma. It takes so much time to build trust with a sexual partner when you associate sex with negative experiences. It's awesome when you feel safe again. Great comment!

 

[somerandomguy]

I think alot of the sexual issues come down to trust. I have finally come to feel relatively safe with my partner and been able to ground, focus, and let go too.

So how did you do it? I know it's not just time - I have been with my partner for over 7 years and I still can't ground, focus, or let go.

 

[Jasminedharris14]

So how did you do it? I know it's not just time - I have been with my partner for over 7 years and I still can't ground, focus, or let go.

I know what worked for me was engaging in self-talk before and during intimacy. I will sometimes tell myself that "I am here and now with a person who loves me" "I can say no whenever I feel uncomfortable and my partner has agreed to respect my decisions." "My partner has a pattern of keeping her word and therefore I can trust her to respect my decisions."

And while grounding for me works sometimes, other times, thoughts are pervasive and I have to stop what I am doing and do something else (like go to sleep, read, distracting myself from whatever action/situation triggered the thoughts.

Try not to get discouraged. I don't think anyone is comfortable during sex 100% of the time.

Learning some Cognitive Behavioral Therapy techniques with a therapist can be very helpful.