Relationship The Silence Hurts

[BewitchedBewildered]

I am having so much trouble with the silence tonight. The man I have been with for 3 years is not returning texts or calls and now is on a job in a town where he has no cell service. I hate that he went silent after I got mad at him in text. The reason I got upset was reasonable, but I know I reacted badly.

We live 2 and ½ hours apart and I was in his town with some other friends. He basically stood me up, when I contacted him the next day he responded that a drunk had driven through his neighbor’s yard and he was busy with BS with the cops. At the time I was just hurt and had swallowed how pushed away I had been feeling and struck out in text. Then he went dark. Now I am so miserable. What if I pushed him away completely or made his issues worse? I try so hard, but I have my own issues. I know my damage is nothing compared to his, but emotional pain is not logical. I cannot find the line between being supportive and being a doormat. Being shut out really generates a huge emotional response from me.

And I hate this, I do not know if he is gone for good or just needs space and I can’t talk to him. Hes my best friend. The last time he went dark it lasted 7 weeks, but he would text every few days with just something like “Night” so I knew he was alive and there.

I know I sound selfish. I love him so much and respect him, but when he starts to pull away emotionally he seems so cold and inconsiderate and he doesn't see it because most of the time he tries to go through the motions. The problem is I can see it coming, sometimes I think I see it coming and he doesn’t. When I ask if he is pulling away he just gets annoyed and I can tell he doesn't see it. I’ll ask if he is ok and he always says “good here”. He has only really admitted he wasn't doing well twice, once being the 7 week period.

I’m sorry to whine, but none of my friends get it and I don’t feel like I should really talk about it. It feels like betrayal. He says that I am the only one he has ever told. He will tell people he went through counseling for anger management, but not PTSD. He doesn’t think he needs more therapy because he can control the anger now, which I have never seen. It’s much more like nothing ever makes him mad or fully angry.

I have to believe he cares for me, but the silence makes it so hard. Maybe I am not strong enough for him. Every time he pulls away, it feels almost physical, I worry he will never come back. I just miss him and I am so worried. I constantly have a stomach ache that won’t go away. I could take a verbal fight. I could take him yelling at me, but to just be gone… The silence really hurts and I cannot tell him how much.

 

[nursenurse]

What is he doing for you? Absolutely nothing but grief. PTSD is no excuse for bad behaviour. I am fighting this myself, I thought we were on the right track, and yet again, communication down to zip. Why are you taking this? For love? Good lord, before you can truly love anyone else, you have to love yourself. Don't accept less than stellar behaviour from the person you love and whom you think loves you. Sure, everyone comes with quirks and baggage, but ignorance of the other's feelings should not be one of them. We neec to feel that we matter, and to go crawling after someone who can't even give so much as a bloody phone call to let you know he is alive is an insult to ourselves. It takes a stronger person to let go, than to stay in an emotionally abusive relationship. I would not be best friends with a girlfriend who treated me this way. Why would we accept that from the men in our lives, PTSD or not.

Get moving with your life. Do everything for yourself as if he doesn't exist. Decide if you want to go through this time and time again. Unless he gets help for the PTSD part, he will never even begin to understand what you are going through. So that if he needs to isolate, he can at least have the common decency of letting you know.

I honestly think he is pushing away because he may not be that into you. I think PTSD folks are notorious for hating to rock the boat, or to have confrontation, especially in the form of an emotional member of the opposite sex. So they retreat instead of admitting to their own feelings and letting you down in person. You have to figure that out on your own.

Use his silence to build your own life, and don't just be licking his boots if/when he comes crawling back. Decide the good you want for yourself, and I don't mean just his physical, emotionally abusive , presence. And stick with it. That is what a strong person does.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

If nothing changes, nothing changes.

He's in denial that he has any issues. Until he is ready to change, this is your life with him. Can you live with this, exactly as it is, for the rest of your life?

You're not weak. And YOU did not push HIM away. He is the one pushing you away. It is perfectly reasonable to get mad over being stood up. It takes TWO SECONDS to send a text saying he can't make it. But, it seems like he's got things so turned around that you're feeling crappy for his actions.

I know you live him, but with PTSD, love isn't enough. I wish you the best.

 

[Abstract]

Struggling with my own issues and how I perceive this as a result so I am not a reliable source but can you really call this emotional abuse?

He was dealing with a crisis and stood Bewitched up and that is terrible and hurtful behaviour. But emotional abuse?

most of the time he tries to go through the motions.

And this is awful and I wouldn't be able to be on the receiving end of it but it seems he normally makes an effort to try to connect or hide what is happening for him. Maybe I don't know the background.

And I am not sure where physical abuse comes in but again maybe I don't know the history.

which I have never seen.

This makes me think not.

As I said before Bewitched, I certainly couldn't be on the receiving end of it and it seems to be hurting you very much. I hope you can do whatever you need to to have a happy life.

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

I guess I was being pretty whiney, I was looking for a safe place to vent. Let me say that I am 43, usually far from weak. I gave up on believing in fairy tales a long time ago. I believe relationships involve work and it's hard. This man can be cold and forgetful, but he can also make me laugh, also stood by me while I went thru 2 cone biopsies and a cancer scare, he asks about my father, he has never cheated on me, and not always a fun thing, but he doesn't lie to me.

I believe there is something solid there, if he can handle it. I go to work, go places with friends, do not sit at home every night crying over him, but tonight was a bad night. I don't know if it will work, PTSD is a bitch. I do believe in him, but I have my weak moments.

You may be right, he may be over me or us. And if so, I am first and foremost his friend.

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

Just realized, all of that helped me remember who he is instead of listening just to my inner fear demon. Thank you.

Abstract and scared - no abuse, ever.

Thank you so much for caring.

 

[Abstract]

I think it is very helpful to speak things though and very damaging to have no outlet. Its very good for you to have support and you deserve it as PTSD is not easy.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I NEVER said he was abusive.

Abstract has a way with sneaking things into the conversation that aren't true or even stated. Last week she blasted me for making up someone was an alcoholic when it was stated plain as day in the first post. Then she accused someone else of being the other woman when nothing of the sort was stated. Now this abuse thing. (Re: physical, emotionally abusive presence is stated as physical presence, emotionally abusive inserted) Nurse never said he was physically abusive.

Geesh, I'm afraid to post anymore because abstract will make up something mid conversation that's not true! Abstract, I realize you're in denial about even having PTSD and all of this is a big distraction to you, (you've admitted it in the denial thread, its not something *I* am making up) but please read what is said before replying as its annoying to have to come back to posts and defend myself. I wouldn't have said anything, but you've set up a clear pattern with this.

 

[Abstract]

Abstract has a way with sneaking things into the conversation that aren't true or even stated. L

Gosh SOL. A little shocked to say the least. I never said you said anything about abuse. Nurse nurse did. In fact if you look back I liked your post. That may show you how incorrectly you are reading this and what I said.

And I never blasted anything in that other thread. Nit quite sure why you feel defensive around me as there has never been any need to. Read this thread again.

I may have misread this but that is what I was commenting on.

physical, emotionally abusive , presence

And I was partly asking as realised it was quite possible that there had been prior posts that I had not read that mentioned physical abuse and wanted to be sure of the facts.

 

[nursenurse]

Sorry for any mix up, look at where the commas are, it says physical, emotionally abusive, presence. Which means his presence in person, and that he is emotionally abusive... Anyone who gives that kind of silent treatment without an explanation for weeks on end is guilty of this. I stand by my words.

 

[Abstract]

NurseNurse, thank you for clarifying and sorry to misread what you said.

 

[NikkiGAPEACH1970]

@ nursenurse--- you go girl!!!! Totally agree with you.

Nikki