Relationship The Silence Hurts

[BewitchedBewildered]

It has now been 12 days since I have heard from him. So, went out with a work friend. What I am supposed to do, right? Drank too much trying to deaden my heart and it just made the weight worse. What do I do?

Today I started to wonder if I should check the hospitals in his area. I am so sad and so lonely. And I do not know what to do with these feelings. It’s not like I completely disagree with NurseNurse, I just can’t handle anyone who doesn’t know him judging him. I just cannot believe he would be this way. Hurt me like this. I just cannot believe that I have let myself be fooled again. I thought he was a good man. How can a good man treat someone he cares about this way? Help me understand….

 

[Mayday]

How can a good man treat someone he cares about this way? Help me understand….

I can't speak for him, but I also retreat, for my own reasons. It's never to punish anyone else, or trying to upset them, it's just me not being able to cope or just not being able to figure things out. I know it hurts people, but it's a coping mechanism...I'm working on it but it's not something easily fixed.

I find it helps if people tell me clearly what they expect from me. Maybe you could say to him, that you need to at least hear from him every few days, even when he's not able to do anything more.

 

[nursenurse]

You did not ever do anything wrong, remember that. I never judged the man himself, but his actions at the moment are emotionally abusive to you. They make you suffer. Check the hospitals, I've been known to do that, you would not believe my sleuthing skills. And after all the checking out is completed, and he is not hurt, then what? When I look at myself doing this from the outside in, I wonder what was I thinking? No one should make you have to do this, unless of course they truly are hurt and are unable to communicate.

No, I don't know him, but I have a snippet of the caring, wonderful and hurt soul that you are, and since you are here, you have my concern and support, even though the support may be in the form of harsh words geared to make you think. Maybe all will be well, but remember you have needs as well, it is a two way street. Good luck.

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

I understand distancing is part of PTSD. I hurt, but I get that. My problem is that he promised if he got like this he'd at least check in somehow. Now I am seriously scared he's hurt in a hospital or dead on a hwy somewhere. And it really hurts that he'd put me thru this, when he knows my issues.

It's just so hard. And, now I'm sick on top of everything else. Does he miss me at all? Do I matter to him at all? He told me once that when it's bad for him my feelings don't matter. He apologized, but said that's how it was. And it hurt to hear. But, I've tried to come to terms with it. But, it's hard.

God, I hope he's ok. Have I completely misunderstood him?Have I been fooled by a man again? Feels like I've been just thrown away.

And, if he does ever come back, how could I forgive him for hurting and scaring me like this? How could I trust him again?

 

[CrazyHorse]

Dear BB,

I want to clarify something: you wrote that he is away some place without cell service and phone lines. Could that be the (only) reason why you have not heard from him? I am just wondering....

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

Yes, he's on a job in a town whe's he doessnt have service, but not sure when he went. It's a lake cabin kind of place and they put him up in a cabin while he does job. Cabins don't have phone.

I kind of clung to that at first, but it seems he could find a pay phone or use someone else's cell or something. Maybe that makes it easier for him, he has an "excuse". I dont know. I don't think he's been there for the full 2 weeks.

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

I've checked his town obits. I haven't called the hospital yet. It's a small town and he's very private. How funny is it, with all this, that I don't want to embarass him? Still scared. Still questioning my own judgement and losing faith in him. I can't help it.

If this goes how I'm pretty sure it will, I give up. No more relationships for me. It's too painful. Opening yourself up to another never goes well for me. People just always let you down.

 

[strongandsmart25]

Be careful with the "Always"s and the "Never"s...you are not in control of everything (even though I know sometimes you wish you were - that's what we all wish, sometimes, I think)...

But if you want to vent and scream and kick and cry and whine, this is definitely a good place for it. :)

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

I checked his local hospitals today. That is a whopping 2. It's starting to sink in that he is choosing to do this. Even if he still out of coverage, he is choosing not to use or borrow a phone to check in on me. He knows that worry, that I get scared. He knows my issues and my fears, he knows this is hurting me. I actually thought about driving to his town, 3 hours away just to check that he was physically ok. And probably would have if I was not so sick. What if I needed him?

I accept that he may be in a bad place, but I cannot accept that it is ok to treat me as if I have no value. Everyone on here says to keep PTSD and bad behavior separate. I would never tolerate this from someone without PTSD, why would I accept this from him? But, my God, this hurts.

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

I am thinking about driving to his to his town this weekend just to make sure nothing happened to him, I will not talk to him. Do you think that is a mistake? If he sees me and he is in an episode, will that make it worse? Opinions welcome, please.

 

[NikkiGAPEACH1970]

Hi BB,

I would step back for the moment and see what happens. Let him contact you. In the meantime, keep yourself busy and enjoy yourself. I know it's hard not to think about him but you will drive yourself crazy. Trust me! I'm speaking from experience. He know how to contact you. Hang in there!

Nikki

 

[mixtapeheartache]

You have to distinguish between the man and the situation. In some cases (most), they are quite different. And, he isn't hurting you my dear, only you can hurt yourself. It's a challenging paradigm shift, but its true.