Relationship The Silence Hurts

[BewitchedBewildered]

It's just he's never completely cut me off before. When he isolated before he would respond to some texts or send just night or something to let me know he's OK, he's there.

Its been 17 days now. I worry. I get terrified that he's hurt or dead on a highway somewhere. I have no one I can call to check that he's OK. If he'd called me names or said we were done, that would be one thing. But to just do this? This was a fear I had, but had really started to trust that he wouldn't.

I'm so confused.

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

I don't understand the situation.

 

[FaithJL]

Bewitched,
You have to decide what's good for you. If driving into his town would alleviate your anxiety, then do it. But be ready for the worse scenario possible. You never know, he might actually appreciate your visit. However, there's also a possibility he would withdraw further. You have to weigh your options and be ready for the outcome.

These past weekend, I called my sufferer to find out his phone was no longer in service. That was 2 days after he and I exchanged text messages. I didn't hear from him about changing his number. Anyways, I decided to go to his place. I was scared because I knew he might not appreciate my uninvited presence. I still went. To my surprise, he gave me a warm welcome, then he told me he had changed his number the night before but he's been too tired from work and everything else. Before I left, he thanked me for seeing him. He gave me a hug and I felt how happy he was to actually see me.

Every situation is different. The longest time my sufferer had withdrew, not answering my calls or texts, was about 6 weeks. I found out if I don't make a big deal about his isolation, he comes back willing to talk. Otherwise, he comes back defensive or frustrated.

 

[Spring]

Faith,
Situations with my sufferer have been similar in our past.

BB,
I would wait. I know how frustrating and anxious we can get, but just give him a little more time and space. You have to understand that PTSD sufferers have to have routine, they find comfort in it - Any change in their routine really throws them off. So, with that being said, the fact that he's in another place for work, it's really difficult for him to adjust. My advice, give him some time to do what he needs to do for work and to get back home and re-adjust to his normal routine. In the meantime, try to find things to occupy your time and mind. It's tough, I REALLY KNOW, but just give it a little more time=)
~Spring

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

Thank you. Your input really helps. Just knowing I am not as alone as I thought I was a few weeks ago has helped. I do not really have anyone in normal life that I can talk to about this.

I am going to try to calm down, but honestly my emotional state seems to change day to day. I will see how I feel this weekend. But, honestly do not think I can take this for 6 weeks or more. I am not sure how much longer I can handle it. Seriously, 1 text would make 6 weeks or more ok. He's been this way once for 7 weeks, but I got a couple of texts and that helped me. But the not knowing if he is ok... It's an issue for me.

Thank you so much.

 

[Spring]

BB,

Trust me, I know exactly what you are going through! I've been with my sweetheart for three years - His episodes (as I refer to them) have become normal for us. Sometimes they last for just a few days, and there have been times that he's retreated for as long as six weeks.

I understand what you are struggling with, you struggle between worrying how he is doing and questioning if "am I a sucker?" I know how badly you wish for even just the shortest text to ease your mind...

Try this - Focus on the rest of this week, challenge yourself. Take each day just one at a time. Plan one thing each day, I know that it's difficult to focus on anything else but your honey, but try.... And at the end of the weekend, we'll take another few baby steps=)

~Spring

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

Thank you so much for that!!

I just found out my 80 yr old father, a functioning alcoholic, fell last night. He cracked a rib and re-injured his shoulder. He always drank, but never missed a day of work, usually worked 12 hour days. He was never violent, he never raised his voice. My father has always been a functioning alcoholic, but it's gotten worse since my mom died in 2006. I worry about him a lot. I feel like I am all he has, especially since he retired.

I do not talk to anyone about my dad really, except my guy so it kind of set me off on another emotional jag. So, seeing this really helped me. I am usually really under control, but lately.... It's hard.

 

[Kkdawn]

BB, you really need to focus on yourself right now. When he is ready he will reach out. If you haven't done so maybe just send a text telling him your thinking about him and you are there if he needs anything. I know that this time is the worst of all. And your mind is all over the place but you have to keep reminding yourself its not about you. This silence is about him and his ptsd. My bf always told me that when he goes silent it's because he's protecting me and doesn't want to be angry with me for things that have nothing to do with me.

Ohh and my father has been a functional alcoholic for over 50 years so I totally understand and am here if you need to talk about it any time.

 

[Spring]

BB,
I too, have a dad who is a functioning alcoholic. He is 65 years old and has just recently retired. He lives alone and I worry about him all the time.

You know, I'm a firm believer in "things happen for a reason". Maybe this happened because your attention and energy need to be focused on something else for the time being - To help your dad get through a difficult time, and for you to work through your pain and anxiety. I think it would be a great idea to give some of your time and energy right now into your dad and his situation. You would be a big help to him during this time of need, and you would receive a sense of accomplishment and self-worth.

Take advantage of some daddy-daughter time=)

Today marks the five weeks of my sweetheart's retreat.

~Spring

 

[Spring]

Every situation is different. The longest time my sufferer had withdrew, not answering my calls or texts, was about 6 weeks. I found out if I don't make a big deal about his isolation, he comes back willing to talk. Otherwise, he comes back defensive or frustrated.

Faith, I go through the same questions in my head - Should I reach out, or should I wait? In my past experiences, it's always been better for me to wait and let him come to me when he feels strong enough and ready. But the waiting does drive you mad=/ Me and my sufferer are going through a long episode right now. He struggles with big life-changes in his routine. His therapist of three years recently had to relocate, so he is having to re-establish a relationship with a new therapist.

~Spring

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

So, I have been reading a lot of posts and doing a lot of thinking. I am going to try to ignore me abandonment issues and just wait for him. I feel bad because I sent him a letter how I felt, MY issues. Trying, in my mind, to take a lot of the credit for my issues and how insecure I can get. Now I realize how selfish that is, if I trust myself and my instincts (which is my BIGGEST issue). So, if I can trust this relationship and my instincts that tell me I am important to him, I need to just give him space and wait.

But, I guess my questions is do I write him another letter just telling him I will be here or do I leave it as it is. Now that I have been reading more posts from the point of view of the sufferer I realize the letter I sent was selfish and may have added to his issues and what he is going through. So, not sure what to do.

 

[nursenurse]

I think I have said it previously, and I speak from years of non PTSD relationships and a current relationship with my sufferer. Live your life as if he wasn't there. Go out, keep distracting and making a life for you. If he is choosing to do this, then you need to be able to fall back on what you have created for yourself. If you create nothing, then the chasm of pain will be so much more. This is lousy behavior from someone who purports to care. Self flagellation does no good. Keep running with your life, he will catch up if he wants to.