Relationship The Silence Hurts

[strongandsmart25]

BB-You know me. Always have to give my 2 cents. Blah blah blah. Can't shut me up ;-)

Ok, so just read what you wrote on Thursday and here's what I think:

Who knows if you were selfish or not? If the letter was YOUR issues and focused on YOUR feelings, sounds like you weren't being selfish at all but regardless or whether you were or not...here's a news flash:

YOU ARE ALLOWED TO BE SELFISH SOMETIMES

Sorry for the all caps but just thought I'd put that out there.

Hugs!! And try finding something outside of him, like NN says, and focus on that as your goal.

Mine is swimming enough for a half iron man relay. I'm up to 60 25s so far in about 40 minutes. I need to get up to 84 in under an hour and 10 minutes and then start whittling my time down. That's my goal. It's very solid and real and has nothing to do with him except that it is making my body look very nice and when he is seeing me (which isn't often at all - once a month at the most), he is like "WOW!" My body fat percentage is already down by 1.5% and I've lost a size in my pants size. Plus my blood pressure is now normal again (it was starting to get borderline)....

It feels good to work on and focus on my body. I'm hoping at some point my self-esteem will start to kick in, too.

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

Yea, got a text Monday, "I'm alive. No service". No sorry I worried you or I miss you, no sorry period.

At least I don't have to worry he's been hurt or worse, but it kind of made me slap myself.

I don't know what's gonna happen with him, but right now I'm done. Focusing on myself and those who want me in their lives. I'm getting back to the gym and dieting. So, I get it. I did nothing wrong, I'm not taking blame for any of this any more.

If he comes back, we will see. But, no coddeling. He needs to man up a little and know I am a human being due a certain amount of consideration if he wants back in my life.

Hopefully I will stick to that. Thank you so much for the support you have shown me and good luck with the half iron man!!! Wow, you are in great shape!! Good for you!

 

[strongandsmart25]

ha ha - not sure I could do the whole half IM. My knee is blown out. I was thinking more of a relay with me doing the swim part and some other folks doing the bike and run part. We'll see. It would have to be other folks like me who could do it but weren't like The Best at that particular sport. I don't know how I'd find them. Maybe there is like a place on Craig's list or something. I can see it now "Not completely crappy swimmer looking for not completely crappy biker and runner to do half IM relay next year". :p

And ya, it sucks that he's such a moron with the social skills but ya, helps to focus on you and those that do actually treat you like a human. :hug:

 

[Spring]

BB, this is great news! And you have to understand that it is huge for him to send that text message to you. He could've just ignored your attempts of concern, but he responded. He does realize how much you do care, and he did respond so as not to worry - he cares about how you feel. Short responses are sometimes all that they are capable of. Remember, he's been out of his regular routine - his familiar surroundings. Now give him time to readjust to his regular routine.

Keep us updated=)
~Spring

 

[FaithJL]

BB, this is great news! And you have to understand that it is huge for him to send that text message to you.

These words are so encouraging...a simple text may not mean anything to us, but I guess it's a sufferer's way of acknowledgement...:eek:

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

I guess only time will tell. Thank you. Everyone on this forum has helped me so much.

 

[annham]

Bewitched, I'm so sorry. I'm going through a similar situation, after going on 4 years (in Sept). It's awful to love someone so much and then have them shut you out. I'm done - I have to be. There are other issues at play (untreated childhood abuse, wants a baby - we are 46 & 47, all sorts of double standards and a huge need for attention from the opposite sex) along with the PTSD.

I'm tired of being sad, tired of being lonely, tired of my friends who can't understand why I've hung in for so long with him. It's been very very hard on me. I leave myself voice memos and keep a journal. It helps to go back and remember the bad treatment and how it's made me feel. I know what I need to do for myself and that's cut off all communication. It's the doing it that's the hard part.

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

I understand exactly how you feel. I hope you do not mind me saying this, but I almost wish there were other issues besides the distancing and intimacy issues. It's just the constant push/pull. No black and white issues. I think it would make it easier to leave. Not that it is ever easy. And, I do not mean to oversimplify. It's hard no matter what. I am still calmer and accepting that I think I am done, but he always draws be back. I have been keeping a journal and I have been reading back and do not like how insecure his PTSD issues have made me feel. It doesn't seem like there is room for my issues, his issues take all the energy. So, we will see.

I wish you all the best!

 

[annham]

I can't tell you how many times I wrote to myself, "It's all about X! It's his world, his issues, all the time! The X Show!" There became very little room for any of my problems or anything going on with me.

This past year has turned me into a nagging, crying, whining, suspicious, unhappy, miserable harridan. This is not the person I want to be. I was in tears on the phone with friends practically every day. Every vacation was ruined. In a way? His other issues solidify my decision because they will always be there. They were ingrained since childhood and never treated. So I don't mind you saying that at all. And the baby thing? Would cause him to leave me in a year or two anyway.

He adored me, worshipped me in the beginning because I was his savior. I helped him through his divorce, the crazy actions of his ex-wife (who I now see was driven to it because of his cruelty to her), his family turning against him (because of his treatment of his ex), the military giving him problems, losing his job, his place to live, his vehicle, etc etc. I was his cheerleader, helper, bank, crutch. I forgave huge betrayal and lies. Of COURSE he adored me. When he didn't need me so much? That changed.

I have to keep reminding myself of all this, constantly. I now know the coldness and withdrawal is PTSD. I understand I made it worse with my reaction. He refused all help and treatment, even though I begged him. So I had no idea I was making him worse. Now he blames me and it's my fault and he can't be around me. What am I to do? Except move on.

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

You cannot accept the blame for his PTSD. Maybe we don't always respond as a therapist would, but that's because we aren't therapists. There is no freaking how-to book on the right or wrong way to deal with these situations. We can simply try to do our best. The fact is he wouldn't get help. So, its best you move on.

I'm sorry for the pain you have gone through. I wish you only the best.

 

[annham]

Thank you :-( he's getting help NOW, since he left. So now he can (and does) tell me all the things I did wrong.

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

I'm so sorry. It does sound like cutting off all communication would be best for you. I know that's hard.

I really do, but it sounds like he's a child pointing at the other child saying she did it. If he can't take ownership and accountability of his issues, then you should cut him off. There is a difference between him explaining his issues and triggers and actually assigning blame to you.

For what it's worth, sounds like you know what you need to do. Still sucks though.