The Sound Of Children Playing Outside Upsets Me

[ccks]

I'm not sure if this is the right forum to post this under.

Back-story as to why I don't like hearing children playing outside:
I witnessed a fatal domestic violence dispute last year in the neighborhood I live in. The victim was shot to death in the middle of the street by her ex-husband. Her toddler son and 11 year-old son witnessed her murder and were obviously traumatized. It happened in the early afternoon on Christmas Eve. I live in a small neighborhood and on that day many neighbors were not home or were inside because it was a holiday and the weather was overcast. I was home with my younger sibling and I'd dozed off to take a nap. The whole morning I had a sickening feeling in my stomach and felt like something horrible was going to happen, but I didn't know what. I woke up to the sound of shrieking children and gun shots. The first thought that came to my mind was, "No! He's killing his children! He's killing his children on Christmas Eve." I knew exactly was happening before I looked out the window and immediately got my phone to call the police, but my phone's battery was dying. Every time the ex-husband shot my neighbor her children would shriek in terror and I couldn't take it because it sounded like they were being murdered as well. The mother died and was shot about 10 times. I saw her get shot and her children got away. The ex-husband was caught a few days later.

It's been a few months since that happened. I feel okay most days, but not in the afternoon. Two families moved in near my house and they have young children. In the afternoon they play outside. That's fine and children playing has never bothered me. However, the children scream and shriek when they play. Sometimes I'll hear a child screaming "help me! help" and shrieking and I feel like I'm back in December. I get really anxious and mad when I hear them, but I remind myself they're playing and they're okay. It just sounds so similar.

Different things have triggered me but children screaming as they play is just unbearable most days. I don't know how to overcome feeling this way. I don't mind kids at all and I'm happy they are happy. It's just a lot to deal with this since I currently live directly in front of where the murder happened and the home the family used to live in.

 

[Friday]

Very few fireworks actually sound like weapons fire. Even fewer sound/feel like the concussive blasts of real bombs, rockets, missiles, shrapnel throwing whatits (mines, grenades, IEDs), etc. (Bear with me... Point coming in a moment).

I looooooove fireworks. :D ...Usually.

When I'm not doing well, however? (Insert swearish rant here). It's almost never the sound. Unless it surprises me, then any loud metal bang (dryer lids are my enemy) will kick me into an anxiety attack, flashback, intrusive memories, etc. It's usually the smoke trails, honestly. But it doesn't matter whether it's the sound, the sight, the concussion... I'm no longer watching fireworks. And once I'm no longer here in the present, but in the past? Fireworks do sound like weapons fire.

That's how I learned to love fireworks, again. Cognitive dissonance. Because, quite simply, they don't sound like weapons. Weapons all have unique sounds. Whether it's an M16 tapping, or a SAW spitting, or an AK cracking. Much less anything less similar (booming, barking, zinging, clacking, roaring, ripping). I can usually tell what's firing at me (or near me). But if I actually sat and closed my eyes? I couldn't identify which weapons were in use. Because they weren't. It was all one big blurry mess of my past and present commingling.

It pissed me off... So I started seeking out fireworks, instead of avoiding them. Yes, it meant more "ugly yucky blurring awfulness". But it also started to draw a really sharp line between "fireworks" & "weapons fire". Until, over time, I'm sitting there with starry eyes and a gasping Ahhhhhh! smile, watching fireworks. Here. In the present. Able to see them, and hear them, and enjoy them for themselves. f*ckin love fireworks. Dazzling pretty enervating awesomeness.

So it was a bit of a shock to be all touchy around them again recently, after 10 years of being good around them. Gah. WTFO???

My mind is looking for patterns. It's making connections where none are present. Because I'm not doing well, and my instincts are trying to take over, instead of me being in control.

Kids screaming for their lives & screaming in abject terror? Sound different. But your mind is making a connection. In reality, there are dozens of reasons kids scream (happy, hungry, angry, happy-scared, scared-scared, excited, pain, etc.). Screaming + Kids = A-Z. But, right now, your brain is connecting Screaming + Kids = ALWAYS in terror of their lives.

So my suggestion would be to start going to playgrounds. :) Kids museums. Amusement parks. Any place kids are found in abundance and allowed some freedom / best manners aren't insisted upon. And start listening. Carefully. Identify the roaring lions, jealous howls, joyful shrieks, bloody knees, excited cries, pretend-fear, startled-fear, etc. It will suck. And, clearly, do this carefully. Triggering yourself on purpose, however? Will start to blunt Kids + Screaming =ALWAYS thing that's happening.

 

[ccks]

Kids screaming for their lives & screaming in abject terror? Sound different. But your mind is making a connection. In reality, there are dozens of reasons kids scream (happy, hungry, angry, happy-scared, scared-scared, excited, pain, etc.). Screaming + Kids = A-Z. But, right now, your brain is connecting Screaming + Kids = ALWAYS in terror of their lives.

I can tell the difference between children playing and screaming as opposed to what happened to my neighbor and her children. I live directly in front of where she was killed and in the same neighborhood. Like I stated I don't mind children playing and screaming for fun. The families moved in literally a month after the neighbor was murdered and it's about 12 children when before it was only two or three. I don't need exposure therapy around children because it's not the same at all in any way to hear a child screaming in terror for their life compared to playing at a playground. Since I still live in the neighborhood (and the neighborhood is not safe either) I get triggered when a child is screaming at the top of their lungs, "Help me!" It happens because they're kids and they don't understand the neighborhood's history nor should they, but many neighbors know what happened. My next door neighbor had to move because he was so upset by what he witnessed and his children saw the murder take place, too. It happened on Christmas Eve, a day when children are usually preparing for opening presents and what not. I'm not even affected by people shooting guns on New Years or July 4th, but hearing children screaming or shrieking in this neighborhood still puts me on edge. It doesn't mean I automatically equate screaming child to being in fear of their lives. Thanks you for advice though.

 

[ccks]

I apologize if my reply came off as defensive. I've never witnessed anyone murdered none the less in front their children. Any act of violence, abuse or murder upsets me. Witnessing the loss of my neighbor's life and the trauma her children experienced was horrific. To this day I still think about her children and where they are now. I'm not angry at children for being children and playing. It's just not a memory I will forget and I have been dealing with it in the best ways I know how, but PTSD can affect people differently. I'm here to learn how to deal with this trigger because it's something that has never bothered me before the incident.

 

[Spiderallis]

My own history is not as severe, but I get jittery when the neighbor kids get too excited and noisy while they play. They're kids and probably have a predictable routine. Turn up your stereo, run the vacuum, anything that makes a sound will be good while the kids are out playing. It hasn't helped me all that much, but sometimes I sit down and remind myself that those are children, and that's what children do, especially the happy and healthy kids. I was neither healthy or happy as a kid so I was very quiet, the 'playful' noise has bothered me since I was six years old.

 

[shimmerz]

Part of the problem may be that you still have so many cues to tie you to that terrifying event. And as the kids scream the more ingrained it may be becoming. I feel for you. Noise cancelling headphones would help stop further re-enforcement I would think. You don't want this to sink in deeper than it already is until somewhere along the line the kids stop screaming or you move.

 

[Kintsugi]

Ditto to @Spiderallis. I don't like hearing playing children at all. Every squeal has me totally on edge. I too will hear children screaming for help, or "stop it!" and I just freak out. I'll dash outside to check on them. I can tell they're playing, usually, but there's a voice that says, "What if they aren't?" I take no chances.

This was a big problem living at college, as well, where I would hear girls shrieking. I once ran a quarter mile to "save" a woman in distress... actually wound up breaking up a feral cat fight.

Headphones. Ear plugs. Maybe you could try to get to know the family, so it might not make you so nervous? Like, if you knew the family a bit, maybe you would feel a bit more relaxed?

I'm giving out hugs if you're accepting them.

 

[ccks]

Thank you I welcome hugs :). The family with the children are family members of my neighbor who moved. Their kids seem well behaved and very intelligent so I don't mind them at all. I check on them sometimes when they're playing and their parents come out to watch them so that helps.

I completely understand your concern for the kids and the girls you heard screaming. Anyone would have done the same thing and went to make sure they were okay because you never know if they're hurt or in danger.

Along with the screaming I think I also feel a sense of guilt or helplessness. Even though I don't like to listen to their screaming a part of me feels like I need to just in case they are ever really in danger. The day the murder happened I woke up and thought for a split second, "Maybe they're playing" then I realized what was happening. None of the neighbors could help them because the ex-husband would have shot us, too. Honestly the neighborhood is not safe as it is with drug activity and murders. I wouldn't say I live in the ghetto, but it's increasingly becoming a crime infested area. Most days I worry about my own safety just going outside so I'm already vigilant. The best decision for me (and my family) is to move and I more than likely will be moving to a safer area this year.

 

[ccks]

I agree. Living in the place where it happened does not help. I'm planning to move into a safer area and I know that will help a lot.