Hi everyone,
I have felt at the beginning of my therapy journey that therapy has been extremely difficult. I am doing OK now. also I am considering of leaving therapy in the next few months.
I remembered thinking that therapy is sort of triggering in such that I am reduced to the trauma memories and then have to re-experience in order to recover. But having psychosis (I do not remember) at 5yrs old in memory in 40+ yrs old is completely different story!
But some of the memories that came up did not make sense for me. One memory was sort of having psychosis but I never had one. Another one was having panics but again never had one.
The fear of these thoughts and feelings in my body scared the shit out of me.
I had to stop therapy each time to get out of the triggering situation and see what else is happening and then go back again on the verge of panic, stop and start over.
Finally, I actually thought to see what the fear is - push it through. Unfortunately none of my many therapists could tell me what may happen if I stop dissociating. Well sadly, I panicked one day and thought I was dying, or having heart attack but yet was super aware of panicking cause I could fell the extreme anxiety and was holding my belly rather than my chest. Thanks goodness I was at home alone with my husband and asked him to hug me for few minutes so I could allow to let go out of control. I spent the rest of the night listening to soothing music.
A strange thing happened 12 hrs later where I felt completely different and sort of memory consolidation. Also I thought my dissociation was lifted in such that now I have full control over it.
In therapy after, all fears were gone. all dissociation were gone (meaning my senses were present while I talk about the past). Before I would experienced deep tunnel vision and blindness or deafness or muscle loss - no feeling of my legs. all stopped now since that fateful panic event.
Now, I felt angry after for a while in such that maybe a lot of people end up having panics, psychosis, and such when all their maladaptive coping are lifted and this is not communicated and causes iatrogenic.
People come to therapy with some maladaptive protection (albeit a problem itself) but when it is lifted, people then fall back to original experience they dissociated from or suppressed deeply and that experience is psychoses or something as overwhelming as such! Idk and just exploring what I felt and learning.
I know a woman from one of my group whom when I met told me she came to therapy at 28 professionally regulated employed, semi healthy but had strong reaction to her brother's suicide. Since then (with the same therapist), she lost her job, never got a boyfriend, and become so reclusive that the only few times she goes out was to come to the therapy and was ultimately diagnosed with bipolar. when I met her she was 42 completely dependent on the therapist, lost deep relationships with all her family. It is my feeling that the bipolar may be what came after all her other defenses were lifted without training or teaching or showing how to manage or function. I do not even know what could be done. and this is my feeling of her situation and she is the one who shared this information.
I know I left therapy where I felt the therapist wanted to stop certain things (dissociation) but could not tell me what happens then from scientific point of vew or at least the many different ways things may go wrong just as much as right?
I think what I am trying to understand for my own growth and understanding of healing is asking did anyone ever feel they are worse than they were when they came to therapy?
I do not have medication so I do not know about that but would love to hear it if this is also a problem.
I am coming to my over 5yrs of therapy and would like to hear how others experience both good and bad or worse so this helps me in my own journey.
Thank you for any input or advise.
I have felt at the beginning of my therapy journey that therapy has been extremely difficult. I am doing OK now. also I am considering of leaving therapy in the next few months.
I remembered thinking that therapy is sort of triggering in such that I am reduced to the trauma memories and then have to re-experience in order to recover. But having psychosis (I do not remember) at 5yrs old in memory in 40+ yrs old is completely different story!
But some of the memories that came up did not make sense for me. One memory was sort of having psychosis but I never had one. Another one was having panics but again never had one.
The fear of these thoughts and feelings in my body scared the shit out of me.
I had to stop therapy each time to get out of the triggering situation and see what else is happening and then go back again on the verge of panic, stop and start over.
Finally, I actually thought to see what the fear is - push it through. Unfortunately none of my many therapists could tell me what may happen if I stop dissociating. Well sadly, I panicked one day and thought I was dying, or having heart attack but yet was super aware of panicking cause I could fell the extreme anxiety and was holding my belly rather than my chest. Thanks goodness I was at home alone with my husband and asked him to hug me for few minutes so I could allow to let go out of control. I spent the rest of the night listening to soothing music.
A strange thing happened 12 hrs later where I felt completely different and sort of memory consolidation. Also I thought my dissociation was lifted in such that now I have full control over it.
In therapy after, all fears were gone. all dissociation were gone (meaning my senses were present while I talk about the past). Before I would experienced deep tunnel vision and blindness or deafness or muscle loss - no feeling of my legs. all stopped now since that fateful panic event.
Now, I felt angry after for a while in such that maybe a lot of people end up having panics, psychosis, and such when all their maladaptive coping are lifted and this is not communicated and causes iatrogenic.
People come to therapy with some maladaptive protection (albeit a problem itself) but when it is lifted, people then fall back to original experience they dissociated from or suppressed deeply and that experience is psychoses or something as overwhelming as such! Idk and just exploring what I felt and learning.
I know a woman from one of my group whom when I met told me she came to therapy at 28 professionally regulated employed, semi healthy but had strong reaction to her brother's suicide. Since then (with the same therapist), she lost her job, never got a boyfriend, and become so reclusive that the only few times she goes out was to come to the therapy and was ultimately diagnosed with bipolar. when I met her she was 42 completely dependent on the therapist, lost deep relationships with all her family. It is my feeling that the bipolar may be what came after all her other defenses were lifted without training or teaching or showing how to manage or function. I do not even know what could be done. and this is my feeling of her situation and she is the one who shared this information.
I know I left therapy where I felt the therapist wanted to stop certain things (dissociation) but could not tell me what happens then from scientific point of vew or at least the many different ways things may go wrong just as much as right?
I think what I am trying to understand for my own growth and understanding of healing is asking did anyone ever feel they are worse than they were when they came to therapy?
I do not have medication so I do not know about that but would love to hear it if this is also a problem.
I am coming to my over 5yrs of therapy and would like to hear how others experience both good and bad or worse so this helps me in my own journey.
Thank you for any input or advise.