Things I Cannot Talk About

[Iguj]

I'm working with a T who is amazing.... every week I think about trying to speak more and can't. In particular, I worry I was sexually abused.

There's these usual 1 billion speculative reasons: severe early and continued anxiety, terrible boundaries and sexualizing boundary stuff, abusers in my family, suicidal ideation, and all kinds of attachment bizzare-ness. But top on the list are bedwetting and ocd/cleanliness rituals beginning around the same time (age 4, 5, or 6, idk kindegarten/1st grade-ish, idk exactly), and some deep discomfort in my own skin especially with touch and sexual situations. Also this weird interaction I had when I was super drunk once and making out with someone who was hesitant and she asked what we were doing and I responded, "Playing a game." Which came to me so out of nowhere and saying it felt so dirty that I want to pretend that situation never existed.

I am really trying/wanting to speak. My biggest hesitation is a deep sense of shame/embarrassment. I work in a helping profession; I know first hand there are so many people who experience sexual abuse, and they know it and have some images and it hurts them terribly. It's not fair of me to talk about discomfort and possibility in the face of their pain.

 

[Efi]

@Iguj I have the same fear. I have had similar issues to yours but I have no memories of sexual abuse. One time vaguely a memory came up but I am no sure if I am making it up or if it is real. For now, I am working on other stuff with my therapists. I think that if there was a sexual abuse it will come up in its own time.

 

[Tikuw]

I just wanted you to know that I think it feels good to get it out, actually say it out loud- there's something healing about it (at least there has been for me). I was not sexually abused by my family, but have been sexually abused a few times, and through my recovery process- I found that getting it out really made me feel like it was actually dissipating a little each time i said it out loud. Idk if thats the same for everyone, but maybe it could work for you? I'm glad you're here. :)

-Lindsay

 

[Iguj]

@Efi, I get that too. I had a sensory flashback months ago and recently an image that came up at random and I don't know if the image can be trusted.

 

[Zimija]

Exactly the same. The sensory feeling was very intense and in the genital area and feeling of intense shame and guilt.
As for your original question, it might be OK to wait for a while and work on other issues in therapy. It takes a lot of trust to disclose information like that especially when you are not sure. Maybe you can start talking about the issues that you have little by little and see how the relationship with your therapists develops.

 

[Iguj]

I've been working on other issues for over a year. I feel like I'm ready to talk about this. I know it will help but I can't get it out (and I supposed I'm being stubborn because I also don't want to write it).

 

[Igij]

I have been working in therapy for almost four years now and still can't say the word "abuse" out loud. It makes me shutter, cringe, and want to vomit. I can't accept that it pertains to me... Ugh. It makes it difficult to talk about the craziness that went on in my childhood. Wish I knew some way to expedite things but I am so freaked out by the thought of telling my story or even sharing much bc in my heart I believe I am not worthy of healing. Sick, but true.....