wolfsong86
New Here
I have been through a lot within the last 16 or more years of my life (though I am 26 - things started at age 10 or so), but I never thought I may be suffering from PTSD. I'll briefly explain my history a little bit to clarify.
My father since I remember just.. so many anger outbursts. I can't remember much of anything from my past. I simply remember yelling, punching, constant fighting, but never anything so far as being beaten until bruised, but I was beaten. I was verbally, mentally, and physically abused by my father, as his father was to him, and it passed down onto me for years.
My parents did all the wrong things for the right reasons on the good days, but things got worse as I strived for my independence, and to live life on my own. The abuse continued on past age eighteen where it got physically worse. The verbal abuse also increased and because of the years of abuse I had developed a sort of ... wall.. that didn't allow me to experience life in the way I wished to. My parents controlled me though the reasons are still unknown.
I eventually voluntarily left my house and lived with my boyfriend, whom my parents heartily did not agree with and tried anything to keep him from me. Age is the factor in which they didn't understand. I lived with him for a while, and there my symptoms of what I think I have began. I was closed, I was not very social, I developed a severe depression, and the lack of wanting to find a job caused stress in the home he shared with others, so eventually I moved in with my grandmother.
After about a year or so, I moved down to my parents because of the lack of jobs nearby my grandmothers house, and she was living off of her social security and I could not make her starve because of me. When I moved in with my parents, I thought the distance was enough to clear things up and reset, unfortunately I was wrong. I was monitored, a gps was placed onto my car, I was not allowed to find a job unless they chose which job to go to, and the abuse and violence continued. My mother made the excuse that because my computer system was linux, and not windows, I couldn't use my linksys to just simply use wifi that it 'would use up too much bandwidth' when it has nothing to do with bandwidth. They even key logged all my conversations and threatened to blackmail me with them. My conversations mainly were with my boyfriend. I was 20 or 22 when I moved in. When I was living with my parents originally, I lied ... a lot. Mostly to defend myself and deny anything was going on. I can't explain any other reason as to why I lied minus the denial. Anyway, things got so bad, my father kicked me out in the middle of winter. In Bend, the nights got below twenty degrees at night and when my parents kicked me out and made me homeless, I had no clothing. They threatened that if I trespassed that I would be sent off to jail. I was not allowed to come back to their property. I technically had no one to stay with, and my job was already lacking to begin with due to my stress and depression. So in response, I called the sherriff for my own survival and had him tell my dad to give me at least my clothes so that I could survive. Instead, a co-worker took me in, but it was not the most pleasant of situations. I lived int he back of a bronco with no blankets or pillows, and it still froze and snowed. Eventually, I wasn't eating, I lost my job, I went on a drinking binge, and I was nearly raped. I had no one, and my boyfriend was living near Seattle at the time of all of this. We were still together, but I told him I needed to figure everything out.
Eventually after three months, I finally begged him to come get me, even if it was back to my grandmothers. He came down and stayed the night with me in Bend at a hotel, and I ate two plates of food from Shari's, so much that it made myself sick. I had lost fifty pounds, I was pale, and lathargic. After a couple of days, I contacted my grandmother. I filled her in on everything that happened, and she cried. My grandmother was sad because she was never told about anything. My grandmother took me in on the condition that she was not to have any grudges against my boyfriend. It was agreed.
I lived with my grandmother for a couple years, until 2007 or 2008. I gained a job working with cub scouts, and I was living from day to day trying to forget about everything. I stopped talking to my parents, I refused to keep in contact with them. After a while, I got a call from my boyfriends daughter, asking if I would come up and live with him because his depression was getting worse. The last conversation I had with him was when I was over 200 miles away, and how he was ready to commit suicide because of his life at home. I had no choice but to call the police department in his city and explain everything, and they were helpful. Five minutes after that call, he is taken and put into a clinic which helped. From the circumstances from that (which is another story) he got better and cut out things in his life he no longer needed. I eventually moved in with him, still in my denial phase.
His parents were less than hospitable, and I eventually got so unsociable that things got worse. Not to mention that he lied to me. After five years of being together, he told me that his parents said it was okay for me to move in, and I found out about it a year later. Our fights have been up and down, and he refuses to understand that from his past relationships, they didn't want a repeat of a bad one so instead of asking me how I am doing and checking with me, they constantly check on him so the talking behind my back has also fueled my depression and ptsd. After my parents, I had been on and off depression medication until finally I decided I wasn't going to take anything anymore.
I have worked through making my boyfriend understand my position and where I am coming from, and it's been a hard road. It's taken two years for him to realize his parents don't like me, and every explanation he's tried to say that it wasn't what they were trying, but I destroyed every single one and proved him wrong.
Anyway......
That's the most of everything.
My symptoms include panic attacks, nightmares, hatred and anger outbursts, and sleeping issues, plus many more.
I am a victim of child abuse. I know this now. If I could remember all the details of my situation, I know I could prove that even more. I was left with scars and bruises. I had confronted my parents once, but the symptoms still come up every now and then, in particular when I think of my past.
I feel like that subconsciously, I have been denying that anything has happened to me, and because of this, I have developed this issue.
Can anyone offer me advice of how to address this? I don't want to be put on medication and I've been down that road before, and it has not helped. I was thinking perhaps counseling. My symptoms and the description of PTSD are too close to not deny that I may have a small form of it.
I have only recently determined that I may have this issue. This has been going on for at least fifteen years and has progressively gotten worse.
I don't know where to begin to at least heal myself. I would think even admitting to this issue is a good step. I am open to other suggestions, assuming that I have placed this into the right forum.
My father since I remember just.. so many anger outbursts. I can't remember much of anything from my past. I simply remember yelling, punching, constant fighting, but never anything so far as being beaten until bruised, but I was beaten. I was verbally, mentally, and physically abused by my father, as his father was to him, and it passed down onto me for years.
My parents did all the wrong things for the right reasons on the good days, but things got worse as I strived for my independence, and to live life on my own. The abuse continued on past age eighteen where it got physically worse. The verbal abuse also increased and because of the years of abuse I had developed a sort of ... wall.. that didn't allow me to experience life in the way I wished to. My parents controlled me though the reasons are still unknown.
I eventually voluntarily left my house and lived with my boyfriend, whom my parents heartily did not agree with and tried anything to keep him from me. Age is the factor in which they didn't understand. I lived with him for a while, and there my symptoms of what I think I have began. I was closed, I was not very social, I developed a severe depression, and the lack of wanting to find a job caused stress in the home he shared with others, so eventually I moved in with my grandmother.
After about a year or so, I moved down to my parents because of the lack of jobs nearby my grandmothers house, and she was living off of her social security and I could not make her starve because of me. When I moved in with my parents, I thought the distance was enough to clear things up and reset, unfortunately I was wrong. I was monitored, a gps was placed onto my car, I was not allowed to find a job unless they chose which job to go to, and the abuse and violence continued. My mother made the excuse that because my computer system was linux, and not windows, I couldn't use my linksys to just simply use wifi that it 'would use up too much bandwidth' when it has nothing to do with bandwidth. They even key logged all my conversations and threatened to blackmail me with them. My conversations mainly were with my boyfriend. I was 20 or 22 when I moved in. When I was living with my parents originally, I lied ... a lot. Mostly to defend myself and deny anything was going on. I can't explain any other reason as to why I lied minus the denial. Anyway, things got so bad, my father kicked me out in the middle of winter. In Bend, the nights got below twenty degrees at night and when my parents kicked me out and made me homeless, I had no clothing. They threatened that if I trespassed that I would be sent off to jail. I was not allowed to come back to their property. I technically had no one to stay with, and my job was already lacking to begin with due to my stress and depression. So in response, I called the sherriff for my own survival and had him tell my dad to give me at least my clothes so that I could survive. Instead, a co-worker took me in, but it was not the most pleasant of situations. I lived int he back of a bronco with no blankets or pillows, and it still froze and snowed. Eventually, I wasn't eating, I lost my job, I went on a drinking binge, and I was nearly raped. I had no one, and my boyfriend was living near Seattle at the time of all of this. We were still together, but I told him I needed to figure everything out.
Eventually after three months, I finally begged him to come get me, even if it was back to my grandmothers. He came down and stayed the night with me in Bend at a hotel, and I ate two plates of food from Shari's, so much that it made myself sick. I had lost fifty pounds, I was pale, and lathargic. After a couple of days, I contacted my grandmother. I filled her in on everything that happened, and she cried. My grandmother was sad because she was never told about anything. My grandmother took me in on the condition that she was not to have any grudges against my boyfriend. It was agreed.
I lived with my grandmother for a couple years, until 2007 or 2008. I gained a job working with cub scouts, and I was living from day to day trying to forget about everything. I stopped talking to my parents, I refused to keep in contact with them. After a while, I got a call from my boyfriends daughter, asking if I would come up and live with him because his depression was getting worse. The last conversation I had with him was when I was over 200 miles away, and how he was ready to commit suicide because of his life at home. I had no choice but to call the police department in his city and explain everything, and they were helpful. Five minutes after that call, he is taken and put into a clinic which helped. From the circumstances from that (which is another story) he got better and cut out things in his life he no longer needed. I eventually moved in with him, still in my denial phase.
His parents were less than hospitable, and I eventually got so unsociable that things got worse. Not to mention that he lied to me. After five years of being together, he told me that his parents said it was okay for me to move in, and I found out about it a year later. Our fights have been up and down, and he refuses to understand that from his past relationships, they didn't want a repeat of a bad one so instead of asking me how I am doing and checking with me, they constantly check on him so the talking behind my back has also fueled my depression and ptsd. After my parents, I had been on and off depression medication until finally I decided I wasn't going to take anything anymore.
I have worked through making my boyfriend understand my position and where I am coming from, and it's been a hard road. It's taken two years for him to realize his parents don't like me, and every explanation he's tried to say that it wasn't what they were trying, but I destroyed every single one and proved him wrong.
Anyway......
That's the most of everything.
My symptoms include panic attacks, nightmares, hatred and anger outbursts, and sleeping issues, plus many more.
I am a victim of child abuse. I know this now. If I could remember all the details of my situation, I know I could prove that even more. I was left with scars and bruises. I had confronted my parents once, but the symptoms still come up every now and then, in particular when I think of my past.
I feel like that subconsciously, I have been denying that anything has happened to me, and because of this, I have developed this issue.
Can anyone offer me advice of how to address this? I don't want to be put on medication and I've been down that road before, and it has not helped. I was thinking perhaps counseling. My symptoms and the description of PTSD are too close to not deny that I may have a small form of it.
I have only recently determined that I may have this issue. This has been going on for at least fifteen years and has progressively gotten worse.
I don't know where to begin to at least heal myself. I would think even admitting to this issue is a good step. I am open to other suggestions, assuming that I have placed this into the right forum.
