Things Were Going So Well For A While

[EloiseLandau]

It was like That Guy was working so hard to work with me. And then he brought up me talking to that woman he cheated on me with. I told him what I needed was for him NOT to jump up to be so helpful when it came to her. Long story short, he said "no," he wouldn't do request. And he let me know I was MEAN and SELFISH and ungrateful and if he were as bad as I was, he'd have thrown me out of his house long ago (then who would pay part of his mortgage?), and if I didn't see how much he cared then he wasn't going to bother to let me know.

Meanwhile I was dealing with the feelings of reliving stark betrayal and panic, intense emotional pain, and reliving the feelings of my own sexual assault, and what came out was when I told him I was trying to deal with this situation still but he was acting like my reaction was a character flaw, he's the one that kept asking what I needed, and if he didn't mean it, he shouldn't have said so.

It comes to pass that he actually thinks my reactions are my personality alone and I choose to react the way I do.
In one way, yes, I do react by pushing things away. I gave him back his graduation present to me. I threw out some old notes in a fit of housecleaning. I closed my door and didn't deal with him.
It's a pattern I've done when I'm really upset still. I fought against this pattern until he withdraw his support and I felt bereft.

Am I wrong, I wonder, in thinking I'm dealing with compulsion but he's choosing to be a jerk. Still.

Sorry if this is disjointed. I'm perhaps not thinking as straight as I usually try.

 

[rainy_daze]

Hello EL. I wasn't planning to log in today - I was just going to read some help pages etc - but I noticed your post and after I read it felt it was only right to reply. I am not sure if you posted just to get things off your chest, or if you were looking for advice, but either way I wanted to say that I Heard You. Am I right in thinking you currently feel:

- That That Guy (your partner) does not understand you / how you feel / the trauma you are still trying to work through.
- You think he is being unsupportive.
- You think that he is placing all the blame upon you - personally / your personality / who you are - rather than taking into consideration that you have an illness (if you know what I mean, like PTSD or anything else).
- This is all making you feel sad / hurt / angry.

Correct me if I'm wrong or have missed other things out. I personally think it's good to get stuff like this typed out, it might help some of the stress and hurt you are probably feeling.

I think it is good you have acknowledged things about yourself, such as "pushing things away", and this shows you are trying to stop that pattern. I think we sometimes find it difficult to be honest with ourselves and sometimes we judge ourselves too harshly. I am not sure what you are going to do about what is happening, but your post was very honest and I hope you can be this honest with your partner - as well as letting him be honest with you.

If there is one thing I have learned this year, it's that I hadn't fully realised the impact my general well-being/mental health/PTSD and depression/etc actually has on people around me. It isn't always easy being around someone who is trying to cope with trauma. Not that I think it's ok to be "a jerk" ! When I realised the way I act sometimes makes life for other people difficult, I started to brighten up around them more and this in turn made things a bit better for me too. I did used to go out with someone who didn't undertsand me, but thankfully now I'm with someone who does appreciate me for who I am. Everyone has their ups and downs though, and from what you said it sounded like your partner did say he cared about you.

Whatever you decide to do, take care of yourself first. That is the best advice I think anyone could give - look after you. (Hope I helped a wee bit! I'm sure other members will post as well, and it's good to feel heard.)

 

[Bubba]

Rainy_daze is right. Keep coming here and writing it all out - no matter if it makes sense or not. That's not what is important. What's important is getting your feelings out in a safe environment where there is no judgement - only support. I am so sorry you are going thru a hard time. Relationships are difficult. My husband and I are currently separated and he doesn't understand why. He can be a real jerk sometimes. But I have to take care of me - and only I know how to do that. The same goes with you. You know what's best for your mental well being. So focus on what calms your panic and relieves your pain. Keep posting here. There are people that understand and care!

 

[EloiseLandau]

I went from potentially constructive anger to destructive (hit myself) and impulsive behaviour like giving back the gift he gave me. Because I wanted to put him at arm's length again. Because all the things rainy_daze says is true. I was suddenly faced with a man who said he won't help me, told me I was mean and selfish when it came to the woman he cheated on me with, and just... I'm still feeling that anger of suddenly being left to struggle. And he may say he cares, but where was the care when that woman crawled on him that night?

I've got some anger. My door is closed right now. I'm reviewing statistics and playing an online game. that seems pretty harmless

 

[rainy_daze]

I have to take care of me - and only I know how to do that. The same goes with you. You know what's best for your mental well being. So focus on what calms your panic and relieves your pain.

Have you been managing ok EL? I haven't been taking care of myself recently, but I can verbally aloud say all the things I actually need to do in order to start feeling better/living, and this week I'm working on actually doing something to help myself. My partner can't look after me or help me forever, I need to learn to do it for myself.

I am not sure if you are still feeling as bad as when you first posted, but taking the anger out on yourself won't help - it won't hurt The Guy, the one who has made you feel angry at a time when you could use support and not more pain - it will only hurt you. I hope you can find a way to let the anger out. Have you ever seen this thread: [DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/the-ptsd-cup-explanation.13737/[/DLMURL] - it might help a bit, and if it doesn't help, then you can just ignore it ;). Take care EL.

 

[EloiseLandau]

I am working with him a bit, but on myself a lot more. I have to make a template for myself and acknowledge that the parts of me that were tortured or hurt, and the parts of me that were not destroyed, are still very valid and real parts of me, and I am still a decent person despite the hurt.