This is how i feel

[BlueWeepingRose]

I feel so lost and sad. Mainly because of the abuse by my ex boyfriend. Come to find out he was a Narcissistic guy and was lying to me for years. Been away from him since November 8, 2017. I remember hugging and kissing him goodbye, even when he treated me bad. I have no idea why I still wanted to love him, when I knew deep down he was horrible for me. Now that it's over, I think all the feelings I felt for a long time is finally coming to the surface and me hiding the abuse from people took a toll on me. I never uttered a word or told anyone. Him begging me for sex, calling me names and taking so much abuse from him until it got so bad that I'm glad it's over now.

He disappeared of me because he doesn't want to take responsibility for anything or the pain he put me through or the threats, emotional blackmail and the way he treated me. Soon after him not speaking to me, he got himself a new girl and that's when I took realization what a fraud he is. I took so many years from his abuse, on and off for years since 2009. Now I'm finally free and I was hidden by a lot of his lies because he was so great at manipulating and I trusted him. Sometimes he was nice, something he was down right mean to the point where I cried. In the end I forgave him each time and he kept doing it. Anytime I stood my ground, sometime months would go by good and no abuse showed at all. Now I feel so emotionally numb and depressed and having lots of anxiety at night. My body will shake and I've been drinking lots of herbal tea to calm down.

Gave up cigarette's and I no longer drink. I never drank all that anyways but now I gave it up for good. I gave up drinking because my ex was an alcoholic and simply drinking just reminds me of him. The smell of alcohol reminds me of the night when he poured alcohol over my head and him flicking my match in my general direction and cracking up a joke like it was nothing, "You'll be fine. Just put some cream on it."

Now I know I must heal and try to get over this depression and numbing point in my life and I just hope that everyone is on my side and won't blame me for staying because I truly loved him or so I thought he loved me. I was a fool but I won't sit here and mope and blame myself for the past. Just want to heal from everything. I hate this numbness that I feel. And I can't even think of sex for that matter. Or allow anyone to touch me or try to kiss me. I'm not ready for a relationship yet. I need to focus on me now. Know this all deep right now for others to take in but I can't sit here and hide this in anymore, it's killing me inside. I needed to get this out. Thanks for listening to me. Please support me and give me some safe hugs tonight. I need them.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am glad you found the courage to share your feelings and thoughts here the way that you did. I am glad that you are finally free of him and although it hurts like hell right now, you are now on the right path for you and over time you will get yourself back and enjoy and laugh again in life. Hang in there:hug::hug::hug:

 

[Deleted member 541]

That’s what Narcissistic people do, they drag you in, they shower you with love and goodness. Till they have you hooked, then the real person comes out and by then your hooked and don’t feel like you can escape. It’s the good day, bad day scenario.

If you do find the strength to leave..... You are constantly reminded of that good time, the good day when they were wonderful and so full of “love” for you... Except it wasn’t really good and there was never any love.

You should be proud of yourself for getting out, for being able to start clean, to have a life someday without the fear and control of living with a narcissistic asshole.

I’m glad that you got out...... You WILL find the strength again and the depression will lift. Look how much strength you had to live in that environment and the strength it took to leave. You’re just resting now. But it will come back........