I've just started therapy for PTSD although we have not talked about any traumatic incidents at all, so I'm not sure if I should even believe the diagnosis or if they just want to diagnose me with something so that my insurance will pay them. I have been dealing with my anxiety and what is either paranoia or hypervigilance in my sessions. I have been to a couple of sessions despite having a really long break in between some of my sessions and my anxiety has gone down a lot. I've stopped being so hypervigilant and I'm trying to stop avoiding people or places. I don't know if the therapy is really working or if I'm in the numbing and avoidance stage. I still haven't been going out unless I absolutely need to, but I am able to do most of the stuff I need to do. Sometimes, I wonder if I should still be in therapy because I can still do most of the things in my life. Maybe I'm coping pretty well and I don't need to be in therapy. Sometimes I wonder if they're trying to kick me out of there so someone else can take my slot. I don't even know if its because I don't trust people but every time people are even nice to me, I think they're just pretending to be nice and are laughing at me behind my back. I used to not trust anyone, my psychologist or all the other staff working at the centre and going to therapy was a nerve wrecking experience for me. I have started to open up and trust my psychologist more and she said she noticed I smiled a lot more now.
I don't even know if its PTSD because I feel pretty fine now. I still get paranoid thoughts but I don't believe them as much now. The only trauma I can think of in my life was sexual abuse in childhood and bullying. Both of them happened at least 6 years ago and I haven't ever been diagnosed with anything so its still a mystery to me why I'd suddenly start displaying PTSD symptoms now. I am doing cbt so I thought it'd be nice to write about my thoughts, feelings and experiences. I've never shared with anyone about my sexual abuse and no one really knows. The ones who know have told me that my memories aren't real and that I'm lying. So I've kept it to myself and I can't stop being reminded of it every now and then. I want to finally talk about this, to get it out and move on... Maybe I'll understand why I feel the way I do and I don't have to feel like I'm absolutely going crazy.
I don't even know if its PTSD because I feel pretty fine now. I still get paranoid thoughts but I don't believe them as much now. The only trauma I can think of in my life was sexual abuse in childhood and bullying. Both of them happened at least 6 years ago and I haven't ever been diagnosed with anything so its still a mystery to me why I'd suddenly start displaying PTSD symptoms now. I am doing cbt so I thought it'd be nice to write about my thoughts, feelings and experiences. I've never shared with anyone about my sexual abuse and no one really knows. The ones who know have told me that my memories aren't real and that I'm lying. So I've kept it to myself and I can't stop being reminded of it every now and then. I want to finally talk about this, to get it out and move on... Maybe I'll understand why I feel the way I do and I don't have to feel like I'm absolutely going crazy.
