As I was talking with a friend, she asked me that one question, I avoided in therapy, in reltionships, and in general myself. Why did I stay? Why didn't I try to run? Ok, as unfair as this question was, I took a breath, looked her in the eyes and told her sometimes staying with someone who was already vicious with you is easier because you get to know thier moods or patterns, to risk trusting another person, possibley the wrong person, may have cost me more mentally then I was already dealing with at the time. I was 15 trying to survive an adult game.
Now I could have gotten pissed off. That isn't an option anymore for me. My angers I have are getting in the way of dealing with hard questions I needed to answer for myself in a longtime. I did not want to be angry. I did not want to run and hide from it either. My anger served me to survive. I no longer just want to survive. I want to thrive. And now I am braver, I am willing to jump into that pit of pain. And look at it. And during this time, make damn sure whatever message I give to it is alot more gentler then I've been to myself in the past.
I look back at how those first thoughts during decisions and during trauma formed so much of my belief systems today. I didn't get the help I needed after they found me. In fact, I got blamed for it on many different levels by many different people. Which sadly backed up alot of what Don told me at the time, that people like me deserve what they get because I was always trouble. Taking this kind of wounding, healing it, taking myself back from all the bullcrap, is harder then I thought. Old brainw ants to engage to protect, new voice not strong yet to fight. I got more work. But, I am progressing. One painful step at a time. The deepest wound, is the constant doubt that somehow, if I do find fault with myself, does this measure what they have told me? Am I a bad person? Or was the situation set up enough for me to make really bad decisions in error? These are the things I'm working through, I am tired.
Now I could have gotten pissed off. That isn't an option anymore for me. My angers I have are getting in the way of dealing with hard questions I needed to answer for myself in a longtime. I did not want to be angry. I did not want to run and hide from it either. My anger served me to survive. I no longer just want to survive. I want to thrive. And now I am braver, I am willing to jump into that pit of pain. And look at it. And during this time, make damn sure whatever message I give to it is alot more gentler then I've been to myself in the past.
I look back at how those first thoughts during decisions and during trauma formed so much of my belief systems today. I didn't get the help I needed after they found me. In fact, I got blamed for it on many different levels by many different people. Which sadly backed up alot of what Don told me at the time, that people like me deserve what they get because I was always trouble. Taking this kind of wounding, healing it, taking myself back from all the bullcrap, is harder then I thought. Old brainw ants to engage to protect, new voice not strong yet to fight. I got more work. But, I am progressing. One painful step at a time. The deepest wound, is the constant doubt that somehow, if I do find fault with myself, does this measure what they have told me? Am I a bad person? Or was the situation set up enough for me to make really bad decisions in error? These are the things I'm working through, I am tired.
