So I think that it is finally time for me to remove myself from my family. They have been extremely toxic to me over the years. They taught me that emotions are weak and due to that I have been stuffing them since I was about the age of six. I still struggle to deal with my emotions but am trying to work on it each day a little by little. Slowly, I have been discovering myself and not becoming who they want me to be. They wish I was as girly/pretty as my sister, they pretend my mental illness doesn't exist, want me to be super afraid of God to be a perfect Christian living in fear, a republican, marrying a good man and pleasing him, and making lots of money after college.
Screw all of that. I prefer my personal relationship with God over fearing him. I like girls and am not a girly girl! My illness does exist and it is none of their business to go around telling everyone about it and then treating me like crap at home. I am sick of being questioned about my PTSD and being surprise attacked with questions about it from people I never told. I pay my own bills and health insurance. I am only tied to my dad because I am on my stepmom's health insurance for now. Mom holds nothing over me and I refuse to continue to take her abuse and her judgements on everything that I do whether it is great or not.
Am I happy about doing this? NO! But I am happy that I will no longer be let down by them. I've tried for years to establish a relationship with them and told them I hate how far away we are. I can't talk to them about anything. I'm not allowed to be a free thinker with them and they judge others so harshly. What I can walk away from this is that I will finally be at PEACE. Peace with myself and my growth. Peace with the world and peace that I do NOT have to raise my family like my parents and their parents this chain of abuse has gone on for too many generations on my mom's side and needs to end. And it ends with me. I want to be able to have my kids love God for love not out of fear and I want them to be able to think freely and have the opportunity to talk to us openly about anything and everything.
I have been talking about this for years since high school about getting away from my family and after talking with my T, pastor, and friends, we all agree that I am finally ready and that this will allow me to recover better and grow so much more than I already have. I am in the process of clearing the stuff out of the house and hope to be done with them by the end of summer for good. The numbers will be blocked and they will be removed from all social media sites. It feels like I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel and that I will soon be free and be able to accept myself even more so.
Sorry this is long. Just needed to get that off of my chest. This is a hard thing for me as they are my blood relatives even if they do hurt me a lot.
Screw all of that. I prefer my personal relationship with God over fearing him. I like girls and am not a girly girl! My illness does exist and it is none of their business to go around telling everyone about it and then treating me like crap at home. I am sick of being questioned about my PTSD and being surprise attacked with questions about it from people I never told. I pay my own bills and health insurance. I am only tied to my dad because I am on my stepmom's health insurance for now. Mom holds nothing over me and I refuse to continue to take her abuse and her judgements on everything that I do whether it is great or not.
Am I happy about doing this? NO! But I am happy that I will no longer be let down by them. I've tried for years to establish a relationship with them and told them I hate how far away we are. I can't talk to them about anything. I'm not allowed to be a free thinker with them and they judge others so harshly. What I can walk away from this is that I will finally be at PEACE. Peace with myself and my growth. Peace with the world and peace that I do NOT have to raise my family like my parents and their parents this chain of abuse has gone on for too many generations on my mom's side and needs to end. And it ends with me. I want to be able to have my kids love God for love not out of fear and I want them to be able to think freely and have the opportunity to talk to us openly about anything and everything.
I have been talking about this for years since high school about getting away from my family and after talking with my T, pastor, and friends, we all agree that I am finally ready and that this will allow me to recover better and grow so much more than I already have. I am in the process of clearing the stuff out of the house and hope to be done with them by the end of summer for good. The numbers will be blocked and they will be removed from all social media sites. It feels like I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel and that I will soon be free and be able to accept myself even more so.
Sorry this is long. Just needed to get that off of my chest. This is a hard thing for me as they are my blood relatives even if they do hurt me a lot.
