To Talk To My Dad Or To Not Talk To My Dad..

[Myanxietyhasanxiety]

That is the question.

Long story short, currently I'm at the place in my healing where I can remember things as a child (i.e. feelings of loneliness, wanting/needing attention from my father, being neglected an not fed, waking up to Christmas to no presents, no parents in the house. Days with no food, He was on a drug binge, no love, being ignored, selling all of my toys and belonging for drugs, getting taken from the home, then completely abondoment from my father ect...

I'm 35. I don't understand why I am remembering these events so clearly but I do. Along with my mother but that's another story (she's been in/out mental institutions most of my life but the only memories are of her bizarre and terrifying. As these come up lately, I can't help but Sob for that little girl. I guess because my daughter is now 12. It's the same age I was when the state removed me from the home.

At 25, I was able to track down my father. I had loathed the idea of him for so many years but something told me to reach out. I found him through a police officer friend and found out he had just been released from jail (fraud, theft charges) at that point he was 3 years sober.

For the past 10 years we have slowly been building a relationship, and he has gotten his life in order. Built a house, stayed sober, has an amazing wife. And today I bought a house next door to him.

So my question is, at the time of our reunion I asked... a million questions. He answered them all but I never really had the memories that I do that. I didn't feel what I feel today. My family says I have the gift of mercy. It's easy for my to forgive.

But now, I'm angry. I'm sad, I'm hurt. But honestly l, I don't want my dad to feel anymore guilt then he probably already does. But I can't seem to be around him without wanting to cry.

Do you feel it is good to talk to him, or should I find another way to let this go. We don't really talk about feelings and things and I'm not sure we could connect like that

I'm lost on what to do. Appreciate any advice

 

[Myanxietyhasanxiety]

I didn't buy the house "today" it's been a year. Just clarifying

 

[Ronin]

I honestly wouldn't.

You're not responsible for his emotions. He's responsible for them.

And just because he sorry ass is sorry now doesn't undo the past, nor the effect he has on you. You owe him jack.

 

[Myanxietyhasanxiety]

I wish I would have yelled at him. Or got pissed. But at the time, I didn't know. I didn't really even remember. I just kinda moved on... or I thought. Now all these memories are pummeling me. It feels like I'm being hijacked from one trama to the next. Hard to breathe at times.

I never yelled. I never got angry. I never even got upset. So now I guess I'm at that point, I'm mad.

My daughter is 12 now. I cannot image being that selfish! I cannot image living like that and not trying to do everything to make my wrongs right.

It sucks because now that I have the house next door to him, I see him alot. Luckily, I love his wife. But I'm so mad at him. I'm sad. I just don't understand

 

[Ronin]

It sucks because now that I have the house next door to him, I see him alot.

I'd move.

You can keep in touch with the wife, when you & your girl are safe. You & your baby girl matter infinitely more than whatever provides comfort now because of seeing limited options. You're not stuck with him. You got away and you can get away more.

 

[Myanxietyhasanxiety]

I could move, but I'm actually happy for the first time ever in a home. My daughter has a school down the road, and I paid all cash for the home and remodeled it to my exact desires.

It's a few acres in the woods. So we're close but not that close. I think I would look into a fence before moving.

I've never been happier in a home or never felt more safe either. It's just these damn memories recently.

I'm hoping it's just something I need to get through. Similarly to
my combat stuff.
I'm not being triggered daily with it, now it's childhood. Hope that's a sign of healing

 

[Myanxietyhasanxiety]

I should mention my daughter has blossomed since we moved here too.

My childhood was the start of the trauma, but what happened afterwards was what haunts my dreams the most. Now that I'm retired military, Im coping with it all I guess

 

[watundah]

I am curious about what you want. Clearing the air. Or you maybe are looking for a deeper connection and if he is sober and capable, that may be possible with a lot of work. I think therapy would help. I just wouldn't have any expectations because it could be a huge disappointment.

 

[UnKnown-Self]

At 25, I was able to track down my father.

You took the time to locate him and reach out. No judgment or opinion just stating a fact.

at the time of our reunion I asked... a million questions. He answered them all but I never really had the memories that I do

Who initiated that question/answer session? While your questions were being answered by your father, what was his emotional/energy level? Were his answers matter-of-fact, get it done and over with? While he might not have remembered things the same way did he leave it at that? Did you feel your memories/pain validated by him?
Did he ask you questions about your life, your struggles, or triumphs and actively listen?

Did he let you know he was available anytime you wanted/needed to talk more?

But honestly l, I don't want my dad to feel anymore guilt then he probably already does.

I noticed you said "probably" already does. You really don't know for sure.

Do you and his current wife ever discuss your dad and his past and the affect it had on you?

Sorry for all the questions, its a passionate topic for me.

I'm a parent of grown children. They deserved a much better mother then I was capable of being. I don't think I will ever be rid of the guilt and why should I be? I live with it. I do not have the right to forget. I can only try to repair the damage enough to have healthy relationships with my kids in the present.
That's my work to do, my responsibility to reach out to them and not only accept I caused them pain but to validate their experience. I need to be available for those tough conversations, without excuses.
It's not a one time offer, its a lifetime commitment.

As I work on my own childhood traumas and gain insight, I become more aware of the damage I did to my children.
I own it and when the time is right, I mention it to my kids. I do the recalling and say I'm sorry. When they mention things remembered, I listen. I'll admit if I don't remember it the same way or not remembering it all but I still acknowledge their experience and empathize with their pain. These are not regularly occurring conversations. Their occasional, gifted opportunities that present themselves by me doing the work to stay a part of their lives while respecting their boundaries. There have only been a few so far, and if I'm really lucky I might have the honor of helping my grown children heal the damage I inflicted.

That's what you deserve from your father, mother and any other adult who inflicted pain on you as a child.
Don't let him off the hook.

 

[Myanxietyhasanxiety]

Great questions and points. I need to think on this and reply.

Thank you everyone

 

[Myanxietyhasanxiety]

I am curious about what you want.

To be honest, I don't think I really know what I want? Or what the goal would be in talking with him. I need to sort through those feelings first before I act. All I know is what I don't want...I dont want to hurt anymore. I want the memories to stop. I want the emotional hijacking to end. But i especially know I do not to be perpetate anger, hurt, shame, or hate.

I don't know if I want. It could be validation, it could be just to be heard, it could be to try to heal the hurt and allow us to bond and bring us closer. It could be a hope dream.

I guess That really brings up my biggest fear. What if he dismisses me and the hurt starts all over? What if it goes badly? What if he invalidates me again? Not sure I would be emotionally ready to handle that. Just... not... sure.



Guess I figured it out as I wrote that... no matter how much I am upset, angry, hurt, sad, confused, I love my father. Regardless if he is deserving or not, Its involuntary. I want a relationship. I want to bond. My deepest desire Feel validated. And he may or may not be capable of doing that.

So it's probably safe to assume, I'm not ready to talk to him. I need to work more on validating myself.

 

[Myanxietyhasanxiety]

Oh, and I'm in therapy. I'll bring it up with her, but thought I would get more than one opinion.