Too Scared To Have T Session Today

[Reds]

After last week's screaming match with t, I'm not sure if I'm ready to go back. I have a booked session today and for the life of me I'm just too scared to talk to her today. I thought by today I would have been over what happened last week but I'm not.
I feel like sending her an email and just make up an excuse why I can't make it today. I can maybe say that I'm working late, but again she can almost tell when I'm not telling the truth.
I really don't know what to do and I feel like talking to her today is not an option. She'll probably want to talk about last week :(
I'm so covered in layers and layers of shame. If shame could kill, I'd be gone. :( :( :(

 

[Chosen]

I'd say just e-mail saying that you're afraid to have a session.

 

[mrsps]

I agree with the above, email her and tell her what you have written here.

 

[Lucycat]

Sometimes we make sessions fearful because it is all so difficult we would rather spend time discussing why we can't do it than face the horrors of our trauma. I don't mean this as a criticism, more as a description of some of our self preservation techniques. I know I am guilty of self sabotage at times when the going gets tough.

 

[Jane.l]

Maybe going over what happened last week is important and needs to to be talked about a little and then you can move forwards .

You will feel much better doing this however tempting it is to avoid . It will be ok.

 

[GWhizz]

As I followed your post on it from last week, I wouldn't think cancelling this week will help you or your currently fragile therapeutic relationship. From someone who cancels from one day to the next with constant back and forth indecision, I can assure you it has always been better to talk with my T than the weeks when I backed out completely.

Also, you said that she'll probably want to talk about what happened last week. Remember that this is your therapy. It's not up to her what you want to discuss. Though it probably will be helpful if you could bring it up and get some resolve, so that she understands you better, in my opinion.

From what I recall, you're doing distance phone sessions right? Please take the call - you can always tell her if it's too much that you wish to stop the conversation. Just check in with her. Another week ruminating about it won't do any more good than it has already done this week.

Let us know what you decide and how you feel either way.

Thinking of you

 

[Reds]

I've sent her an email and she asked me not to cancel. So I guess in 4hrs time I'll be having my session. Even though she's asked me not to cancel a big part of me still wants to. To be honest I don't even know how I feel.
I can only wait and hope the session will go well. I feel so afraid of her now and I don't even know if it's because last week was the first time she expressed frustration over my actions or if there's other underlying issues Ineed to deal with.

 

[Jane.l]

Well done for emailing - give her the opportunity to sort things out with you, she will have had time to think and I am sure she will want to reassure you. You will feel so much better for talking through it .

 

[FindingMyself88]

canceling will only make it harder the next time. Good for you for emailing her. That is a first step. Like someone else said, take another small step and answer the phone when she calls. If it gets overwhelming, you can end the session. I had an issue with my T a few weeks ago, it was honestly my fault. She confronted me (in a kind but firm manner) and it was very uncomfortable, PTSD lizard brain came out telling me she was going to quit seeing me or hate me.. But She asked me to keep coming and though it was incredibly difficult, I did. You know what happened? She was her same kind, caring self and it helped me see that not everyone is like my parents. Sometimes conflicts with our T's can be beneficial in the long run, we just have to keep going through the uncomfortableness. You can do this!

 

[Reds]

The session went well and there was no reason for me to feel the way I was feeling., she asked me questions I didn't know how to answer. Like why did I want to cancel, why did I feel so scared. She also reassured me that she's not upset or angry and that our relationship was strong. She also encouraged me to keep emailing her.
I also asked her if we could paint something when we have a face to face session end of this month.