Transference - Gathering Up The Courage To Face It In Therapy

[NovemberStar]

I have never ever talked about this in therapy before - if there has been any hint of it coming up (by the T) I have done anything and everything to avoid facing it. Why? Because it is just too INTENSE and emotionally intimate.

I've been seeing this lovely T for most of a year now. I have emailed her a while back, telling her it is the thing I am most afraid of (transference and talking about it - even acknowledging it), and how I have never ever 'gone there' before in therapy.

I think now though, I am getting close to being able to talk to her about tit. I know it won't be easy, but a part of me is excited because it really will feel like major progress - to acknowledge how transference is at play in our therapy together.

Today I told her I have a list of things I feel are really important, because they really scare me; that the idea of even telling her what they are is really really threatening.

Can anyone relate to this - whenever I even begin to think about bringing any of it up, I get really spaced out; and feel like I will pass out (mentally). I sometimes even have to literally go and lie down on the floor where I am, it feels that overwhelming.

???

It really feels like talking about 'her and me' will trigger a lot of stuff - I am fearful of the PTSD getting really bad due to this (my T points out, if I dissociate due to intense anxiety, it might not have a trauma basis - that sometimes it's my severe anxiety, not the PTSD itself that causes me to dissociate - that helped).

And yet, part of me knows that it has the potential to be really really healing; and I do really trust her - I know she would never hurt me on purpose, and it means SO much to be that she really really respects my boundaries and has never bought anything up that I have said I'm not yet ready to face.

She is so gentle and I really appreciate that - it makes me feel … safe inside

 

[NovemberStar]

ps) I don't ever make any eye contact (or even look at her shoes) because doing that much is really overwhelming. I have major walls up because a part of my childhood abuse was emotional rape by my mother.

Lately I'm becoming aware of how the fear of 'being invaded' plays into my trauma and flashbacks / dissociation. Like today - I had a case worker come over to my house and while she was on her way, I started to feel very, very spacey because it felt too 'intimate' and an invasion of my space, that she was coming to my house, and I would see her face to face.

I had an awful feeling that is hard to describe - the closest I can get to it is saying it felt like another person was suddenly and out of nowhere, 'rushing' AT me, and INTO me. Like they would come running towards me and merge into me.

I feared not the physical pain, but the emotional rape that was going to follow on from that.

 

[BloomInWinter]

NovemberStar, you're doing an excellent job articulating your feelings.

I wanted to point something out in your share that hits close to home for me. For many years, the words I said to myself about my abusers and their actions were the ones I used in describing other people, even friends who were trying to help.

Those words, superimposed on new situations, brought in the terrors of yesterday into my interactions and relationships of today. I never got to just experience life and interactions as they come because those feelings were there before I even got a chance.

I notice you are using the words "emotional rape" to describe the people trying to help you. Is that an accurate description of how you are treated by them?

If not, you might consider not using that term to describe what is essentially medical care or treatment. Also, it may feel like the outcome is going to be negative, but expecting that it will be the same as the abuse can greatly increase anxiety and fear, whether or not the situation does happen.

Even if it doesn't happen to be a negative interaction, it becomes remembered as one because of the overlaying/re-experiencing of the past onto the present. I still struggle with this almost daily.

I do some cognitive challenges when this happens. "It may feel like that time, but this is not that time. I am safe. This person is here to try to help me. This person is not that abuser. Even if something unpleasant happens, I am an adult, and I have the skills to get myself some help. I may feel afraid, but that doesn't mean there is actually danger."

Hang in there.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Novemberstar, I agree. You described it perfectly. Thank you for sharing. You have given me some insight I was not aware of before. "Invasion" and how that feeling can be a hindrance in therapy.

I commend you for noticing where transference is taking place and it's so wonderful that you are going to bring it up.

There is a really great article on Psychology Today called, "A Client's Guide To Transference" if you are interested in reading it.

 

[NovemberStar]

Thank you for the replies ;)

@BloomInWinter - I know exactly what you mean, how you never got to experience a 'normal' or positive relationship before the damaging ones happened - it's only been in the last couple of months I have become to know - as in TRULY, KNOW - the experiences I had growing up changed me as a person - I was born healthy and due to my mother being an abusive alcoholic, unable to cope with the demands of motherhood, the person I am now, is not the one I COULD have been. I'd known that of course, for year,s but to begint to comprehend it fully and emotionally, was really hard. I cried and grieved for the little baby girl I was at birth, and for the things that happened to her that should not have.

I don't see my treatment carers as emotionally raping me, or even think they would - I'm sorry I couldn't explain it very well - I was meaning I was in fear of my mother 'invading' me (because she had done so many times). I don't think my treatment team are going to hurt me, I trust them, and I know they are not out to get me, I know they have absolutely no intent at all to hurt me or cause me any pain, emotional or otherwise. I was kinda just sitting back from the feelings I was having when she was about to come over to my house, and realized that is how I felt back in childhood, not now so much (although the trigger is in the now, but I don't see it as a bad thing).

Argh, sorry, probably makes no more sense the second time I tried to explain it ;-/.

I really really struggle with the concept of 'feeling safe in the now' because I don't - it's probably another issue altogether - My T tries to help me by saying (as have many many others) "tell yourself you are safe now, your mother is not here, she cannot hurt you, it is 2014; you are an adult now, you have much more choices and resources now than you did when the awful things were happening"

I agree with the principle of it, but even in flashbacks most of the time I don't really completely forget that I am in the present; my source of flashbacks are not of an incident that I can remember happening (yet), but more of what happened afterwards: I was completely overwhelmed, unable to cope, and had the awful awful realization, that there was no 'hero' coming to save me, that my life was always going to be like this (I was 8-10 at the time, so not a real understanding of concept of 'grow up and leave home one day'), and my only escape was to die. I felt incredibly suicidal, but being young, had no idea of 'how' or that it was possible to 'kill oneself' - I went to my bedroom cupboard, closed the door, and closed my eyes and tried to 'be dead' by imaging in myself flying away to heaven. Once that didn't work, I was even more hopeless and alone. My biggest fear in all of the flashbacks is that I will again feel that incredibly desperate, suicidal, and again have no one to turn to, and that I will take my life, because the difference now id that I know how.

It's also complicated by the fact that my childhood PTSD was re-triggered 3 years ago due to several destructive (and one fatal) earthquakes and my sense of 'safety' in the world was completely shattered. It makes no difference that I am an 'adult' - I am just as vulnerable to dying / being killed / being all alone with no one to turn to, in such a circumstance, as I was back then. [I thought I was going to die when the fatal quake happened; I dropped to the ground, sobbed and waited to die - After the quake, and while the hundreds of strong aftershocks were happening, I spent 1.5 hours trying to get hold on anyone on the phone but all the lines were jammed and overloaded - I was terrified; and seeing it live on tv, I knew many were dead, and there weren't enough ambulances or emergency services to help - leaving me in even greater fear of what would happen in the next aftershock ;( ]

Sorry… off track. should have just said I struggle with the concept of 'safety' in the present due to the quakes ;(. EVERYTHING I took for granted was under real threat - food supply, water supply, no petrol, not enough emergency services, the people I loved / cared about in danger; army tanks and police curfews in the city centre - fear of rioting and societal breakdown and disorder and lawlessness; the landscape and even the comfort of familiar sights and buildings around the city .. - it was like being plucked form real life and put onto Mars and all the while, hundreds and hundreds of more shakes - and all in a matter of 20 seconds.



@EvenStrongerNow - I think I've read that - I'm a bit sensitive to reading too much about it at the moment; I can only post and think about it when I am very disconnected form the reality of it. When it hits me, I get dissociated and I'm trying so had to not go down that spiral, when I can't see my T until Friday...

 

[Echo]

@NovemberStar - I really resonate with you post above. Whilst I haven't gone through what you have, for me the problems relating to current dangers are real. They do trigger memories of times when I experienced the same. In fact, I have had to realise that I have never felt safe and I have never had a support system of any validity. I have done all the supporting and have not noticed that no-one was there for me. I have not noticed, because it was normal for me to have no support.

My therapist says we will have to do a lot of work on making my life safe in the present, before I can begin to address any of the trauma properly. She even suggested that I may need to stop therapy for a while to build up certain forms of safety in my life. However, we agreed that I find her perspective very helpful in seeing how, as she puts it, I know so little about safety and support. If our present life circumstances are so precarious, in whatever way, we cannot be available to trauma work.

On the subject of transference, I am also very keen not to get involved in it or to discuss it, but I have seen just how easy it is for it to happen. My therapist seems to be handling it very healthily and I try to bring it up any time I feel uncomfortable. She did once explain that she is trying to be the reliable, consistent 'mother' that my mother has never been. I appreciate that she is doing this is a good way. There is still a professional distance between us, and I do feel the sense that it doesn't quite count because I am paying her, but it is great to have her support nonetheless. I would imagine, if done properly, that it is done in stages, with the therapist representing what you as the client need at any given stage, but removing that representation when it would be no more than a crutch.

I do though get upset when I find myself acting emotionally to things she has inadvertently said, that have triggered me, since I don't want that to get in the way of our therapeutic relationship. I do tell her each time, so that it doesn't build up, and each time we have sorted things out with emotional maturity and I have had the chance to realise what is going on when I feel that hurt. It has been very beneficial to do so. I wish you great success in your conversation.

 

[NovemberStar]

Thanks @Echo.

In the past, I have associated transference with feeling emotionally attached and needy and almost desperate for a T / substitute mother figure to love and care for me in the way my own mother did not. It has always been incredibly painful to experience.

This time it is different. I don't find myself having 'mother fantasies' about my T. I have at times, felt incredibly sad that my mother couldn't have been someone LIKE my T (stable, supportive, kind, caring); but I haven't had the 'my heart is breaking and the pain unbearable because my T can't take me home and care for me' feelings I have done in the past. I've been really afraid they would happen, but so far, in over 6 months, they have not. I think this has given me courage to explore it.

I'm going to try to make a list of what it is I need to talk to her about, and my feelings about it. I am REALLY struggling at the moment to think properly - does anyone relate to feeling like there is a massive mental block in your thinking? It feesl like my brain is just not working - I am so forgetful. I am unable to be articulate. I have a strong sense that i DO know things, but that my mind is stopping me knowing them. It feels like cotton wool has replaced my brain ;(

Things I am afraid of, in exploring it all:

*** the fear / anxiety will be 'too much"; that I will dissociate and feel unsafe

*** I am really afraid of dissociating in her office so badly she will try to touch me or bring me back to the room - I have never understood why 'being bought back' helps in a situation like that - because if i dissociated when with her, its because I am WITH her; so trying to 'bring me back' would not help at all - I would only be instantly filled with severe fear again - because the trigger is IN the room with me, and IN the present.

*** she will be repulsed by me - that I will somehow 'taint' her with my feelings.

*** if my working relationship with her does bring up the full range of emotions I have felt in the past towards my mother; I will experience hating her, fearing her, needing her, maybe even loving her - and that It will be incredibly painful.

Why would I want to feel those not so nice feelings towards 'her' when I really like her, and - at the moment - feel safe with her?


Things I want to bring up / talk through with her

[i got really spaced out and a felt a bit 'unreal' just typing that sentence]

*** The outcome of an assessment she did on me, a couple of years ago. I was not seeing her in the context I am now; I didn't know until I met her again for our first appointment, that it was the same person I had met before (and really liked). She was screening me for having BPD and I am really afraid she did find I have BPD. AS part of our discussions in the screening, I was very honest about how I hated that diagnosis; how being labeled that in the past hurt me and left me hating myself; that I did NOT believe I had BPD, and that being labeled that has been incredibly invalidating for me in the past.

I am not against anyone who has BPD; but I have serious hangups and a LOT of emotional baggage as to how I was treated (or not) once that label was attached to my name many years ago. For anyone to tell me I have that now would be incredibly difficult for me to accept or cope with (the diagnosis 20 years ago triggered a lot of shame and intense fear of rejection, as I was not believed and was actively ignored whenever I reached out for help, as it was put down to 'attention seeking'; I was left feeling like a dangerous, pathological liar, who was repulsive and manipulative).

But for my T to say she believes I have BPD, those feelings of shame and fear would be intensified)

Logically of course - if she did find that, and did believe I have BPD, it wouldn't change her perception of me - she already has her opinion! But it would change how I feel she feels about me. But I know that could probably be worked though. Sigh.

*** Discuss openly and honestly, any feelings I am experiencing towards her, all the while knowing transference is at the core. I'm afraid she will see me as repulsive, and BE repulsed, simply by my admitting I have ANY actual feelings towards her that are warm. Even if I were to tell her I feel safe being in her office - I am really scared she will find me REPULSIVE.

Just acknowledging I HAVE any feelings towards / about her I feel sick to my stomach.

Another big goal:
*** Talking about and working on making, eye contact. Doing this will make her 'real' to me. This will likely result in my having more feelings (of fear / warmth) towards her.

I am not sure if I should email her some or part of this list so that she can help me begin to talk through it - or if I am better to write it down and take it with me; having more control over what I reveal when I am in the situation and feeling the fear about talking to her about it.

I think I might email her reiterating that I would like to talk about My List (she knows I have a list of things I am really afraid of talking to her about, but that I think its important to do so). So that on the day, she knows I do want to be pushed to make a start, and letting her know in advance again, means she will be able to ask me questions or have a plan in place as to how to help me make a start / feel safer in sharing stuff.

F#ck - Writing this, I get this really really weird, not nice feeling - I can't even explain it - it sort of feels like a mix of derealization and dissociation - that scares me because I do not trust myself to cope; I am really afraid the fear and anxiety will reach a point where I black out completely - and have no idea what I am doing, or what is being done to me ;(

I think I need to start with talking to her about what would happen if that happens to me in her office.

F#CK -how can I do this, when talking about talking about it leaves me feelings so afraid and vulnerable?