@spinningmytires We have some things in common. The one memory which I fully recalled was my dad having me watch him cum while we were on his bed next to each other. I was 2. I have other memories less clear from earlier in which he was more hands on. He also beat me and humiliated me when I was older. I thought I would live with my dad until he died. I’m sorry your T didn’t encourage you to leave. I probably wouldn’t have left without my T’s encouragement. My dad lives less than a mile away from me now coincidentally and I see him on occasion which is always strange and surreal-ish when it happens. I am hyper vigilant about seeing him and avoiding him.
I have always felt like animals or plants are protecting me in some way, I never considered that paranormal. Have added rocks to that list of nature protectors and now various ancestors and spirits. My T encouraged that and I think it was really important because my “family” relationships were blown to smithereens—even with 2/3 of my children, though there is some recovery in that sphere.
You sleeping in the attic to avoid your father is profound to me. I wonder if you dream about it or about houses in general. Or if you dream about your dog protector. I used to keep reptiles and when I was living with my dad and ex-husband I regularly dreamed about being trapped in a world shaped like a box, sort of like the Truman Show movie. Never thought that maybe my dream psyche was *protecting* me by keeping me locked away in a box, because dad and ex-husband were never in the cages with me.
I have lost animal protectors for various reasons (some tragic) but have taken a different approach to animals in my life than many people I know. I do my very best to provide them quality care and comfort, but when they go I work hard to accept that they are wise in their comings and goings, there are no accidents in timing and they are also capable of providing protection from a distance of time and space. I feel this about certain trees too. And the animals are always waiting to enter into our lives again when we are ready, even just glimpses of wild animals.
I guess when your protector parent betrays you early in life your brain makes up “the good father,”(I like that metaphor), which for me is certain animals, rocks, plants, and spirits. Lately I am learning more and more how to be that for myself—difficult and ongoing lesson for sure.
Sending gentle care your way. Appreciate this conversation.
I have no memory of ever seeing my father cum nor of him ever touching me inappropriately. Rarely was I ever touched by either parent or anyone else though my brother often randomly physically assaulted me - yet again not sexually until his late teens. As a toddler, I might have gotten a few hand-slaps but no beatings nor spankings.
My mother was the judgmental, criticizing disciplinary while my father was always extremely distant and aloof. The only time he’d take any interest in me was during his sexual arousal - but even then he was mostly secretive about it. Hugging was always brief. By age 11, there wasn’t any touching. Once when I was age 18, my father pulling me into his lap and started stoking the side of my head - this occurred during an argument he was having with his wife. I suspect he only stroked my head to irritate his wife. My parents avoided physical contact with each other, as well. My brother was the only family member who freely touched me though his contact was mostly violent.
Twice in recent years, I had attempted to hug my brother only to be quickly pushed away. There hadn’t been any disagreements or anything, he had just simply pushed me away for no apparent reason. Then at other times he will ask me for a hug. Honestly, I’m aware of the social customs yet, I very rarely feel any desire to touch another human-being - while I greatly miss touching my pets.
I never though about trees as being protectors before but without their shade I’d be burnt from the sun, if, outdoors for too long. Rocks as protectors? ..hum, well the earth itself as one big ‘rock’ we definitely need that!!
Rarely do I dream about people, a few dreams about deceased family members. The only dreams about my father occurred during my 20’s. Back then, more than once I dreamed I found my father laying dead, along side the highway, as if, he had been strike and killed by a car. This had actually happened to a few of my dogs. No dreams of sexual encounters that I can recall. My house, clothing and computer repairs, yes, many. I’ve had many very emotional dreams about my deceased horse. Last night I briefly recall dreaming about a USB thumb drive …was that a phallic symbol?!!
Black boxes, black cubes, black rectangles, like my black windows at night, make me feel unsafe. I’ve covered my windows so I won’t see their blackness at night. Many years ago, I had a frightening dream about entering a black rectangular opening. And when I got close to its opening, an entity suddenly grabbed me and pulled me into it against my will. There was nothing physically there for me to grab hold of to resist its force - then the dream ended.
But then later, during the mid 1990’s, I did see black boxes inside one transparent amber sphere in the night sky while I was awake. The black rectangular opening in my dream occurred much earlier and had appeared to merge with the ground itself, so much so, that I thought this black opening was some type of darkened underpass one might drive through on the highway. So I wasn’t frightened by it at first. But once I was forcefully pulled into it by the entity it seemed vast, as if it were a huge black empty infinite space.
As for this thought of being strapped or caged within a black box (I didn’t feel caged) rather for me, the problem seems to be, ‘How can I willfully escape this black box or black space while I am experiencing myself as not having a physical body?’
I doubt that my father ever intentionally tried to hurt or betray me. Other family member had intentionally harmed me, for sure. I think my father was mentally ill and lacking the necessary boundaries. He was too extremely aloof and too disconnected from his own feelings to experience any true intimacy with anyone, including his wife. My mother, on the other hand, was well aware of my CSA yet, she choose not to help me.
